Healthy Sex Support Group
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I posted this in 'Healthy Relationships', but perhaps this group is more fitting? I hope cross-posting is okay. I can certainly use all the advice I can get! I am back at Daily Strength after a lengthy hiatus. I am not sure this is the ideal support group for my dilemma, but it seemed the best fit from the choices. I don't expect to make any fans with this post, but I am going to be honest.
I have three men in my life at the moment. I am 51 and have a husband of 26 years. I have been unhappy/bored/ out of love for probably the past 15 years. I really DON'T want to be married anymore, but am paralyzed by the enormity of untangling a marriage of such long standing. Financially, family-wise, etc. In addition, I know it would devastate my husband, who is basically a good person.
The second man is a single man I have fallen completely in love with. We were together once, in December. Since (and before) he makes dates, then calls them off. We have long chats/cybersex, then he ignores me for days. He told me he loves me, needs me, wants a chance with me if I am ever single...then turned cold again. I get my hopes up, then I end up in tears. Multiple times. He has been single for 6 years and told me I was the first woman he made love to in years...but he won't come back for more. His reasoning is that I am married and he believes fundamentally that it is wrong and he has never even entertained the idea of being with a married woman before. I understand that, but why the back-and-forth? I told him last evening that I would be satisfied with just being friends and he told me that he believed we would have our time and place and that it would all come together somehow. So now I am hopeful again...but what the hell does that really mean...? I have tried cutting off contact twice, but I can't stay away. It's a roller coaster ride form hell.
The third man is someone I sought out as a replacement for the second. He is also married. We get together about once a week and have a great time. We are both very sexual, so are well-suited, and we have a lot of laughs. He is crazy about me. I like him a lot, but can't get man # 2 out of my head...
I have a feeling this mess of my own making will one day explode and destroy my life (I also still troll online dating sites and have considered risky undertakings like meeting with a couple for sex). Does anyone have any advice for me? I need a way to get over guy #2 and a way to resolve my marriage issue...even if it means divorce.
I have three men in my life at the moment. I am 51 and have a husband of 26 years. I have been unhappy/bored/ out of love for probably the past 15 years. I really DON'T want to be married anymore, but am paralyzed by the enormity of untangling a marriage of such long standing. Financially, family-wise, etc. In addition, I know it would devastate my husband, who is basically a good person.
The second man is a single man I have fallen completely in love with. We were together once, in December. Since (and before) he makes dates, then calls them off. We have long chats/cybersex, then he ignores me for days. He told me he loves me, needs me, wants a chance with me if I am ever single...then turned cold again. I get my hopes up, then I end up in tears. Multiple times. He has been single for 6 years and told me I was the first woman he made love to in years...but he won't come back for more. His reasoning is that I am married and he believes fundamentally that it is wrong and he has never even entertained the idea of being with a married woman before. I understand that, but why the back-and-forth? I told him last evening that I would be satisfied with just being friends and he told me that he believed we would have our time and place and that it would all come together somehow. So now I am hopeful again...but what the hell does that really mean...? I have tried cutting off contact twice, but I can't stay away. It's a roller coaster ride form hell.
The third man is someone I sought out as a replacement for the second. He is also married. We get together about once a week and have a great time. We are both very sexual, so are well-suited, and we have a lot of laughs. He is crazy about me. I like him a lot, but can't get man # 2 out of my head...
I have a feeling this mess of my own making will one day explode and destroy my life (I also still troll online dating sites and have considered risky undertakings like meeting with a couple for sex). Does anyone have any advice for me? I need a way to get over guy #2 and a way to resolve my marriage issue...even if it means divorce.
Have that talk with your husband. That is not fair to him and the last thing I'd ever want to know is that my wife spent all her years with me but really didn't love me. What a life. What a deceitful, unfair life he would have. You're 51, so how old is he?
And speaking of 51, times a'ticking. I'm not saying that to make you or anyone feel old, but you're not 30, you know? Why postpone what you feel is the inevitable? What's the hold-up, your financial situation? Your living arrangements?
Do however be ready for the fallout. IF he's going to be devastated (which is NOT a reason to hold onto an empty marriage), then be ready to sleep somewhere else until he's rational. Be prepared financially to sustain yourself for a week or so. Be ready to deal with family and friend's involvement.
I doubt ANY divorce or admission of infidelity has ever gone smoothly. My guess is you'll have a good year of mourning/recovery before you're in a better place (and hopefully him too). But postpone it longer? For what reason, you're scared? You don't want to hurt him? You're unsure what the future holds? No way, that's not acceptable. You owe it to him to tell him, because as the others have said, he deserves that love from you.
And one more thing. I haven't mentioned one thing about the other guys in your life. And I'll keep it that way. They should NOT be a factor in telling your husband and your divorce. Those are and should remain separate entities.
That is my piece. Now I will slowly walk out the door, stepping backward, keeping eye contact, easy....easy.....exiting now.
Be prepared for a nice and easy divorce to turn nasty at times.. Once attorneys are involved, once family starts pulling sides, once the other party has grasped that he has been duped for years, the dynamics change, the parties involved change and before you know it, your retirement money is gone, your sanity is gone and it all turns into a bumblefuck. With you left standing in a corner beating your head against the wall because of all the frustration.
Talk to him, talk to counselors, alone and together - it helps to keep both parties sanity in check....
My comment about the counselor was to have this talked through BEFORE you speak to your husband. Yes, he deserves the truth as soon as possible but I would think it would be worse if you went to him & was unable to answer his questions. Being clear about what you want would benefit him as well. I do agree with Leather that marriage counseling is always a good thing but wasn't sure if you were past that point.
Another thing...as much as I really don't like Dr.Phil, he did say something that always stuck with me. With divorce you have to earn your way out. Be prepared to do the work. There's really no "easy" way. Good luck to you
Huh?!? not sure where you are getting this vibe from...
Family is another problem. My father left my mother after 23 years and my brother, for one, never forgave him. My three siblings are all with their original spouses and I know I would be persona non grata if I made a move to end my marriage, especially if they got wind of my dalliances. And I agree, OkieMan, the men should not enter into any divorce.
Many ladies have gone this route and wondered why they didn't think of it before. There's the added asdvantage that if you're seen in public with your geezer, nobody will believe you two are together.
So, for the ultimate win-win..GWB.
Then be prepared to still feel lonely when THEY are not into you or you don't happen to fit their whims or their convenient times.
Honestly, focus on health, physical exercise, not sex, as the way, the road, to happiness. Relying on other human beings for happiness will always leave you disappointed and miserable. Find a way to be happy just in your own skin. For me, that requires the good sweat of a bike-ride and/or a workout.
I'm not sure I understand that last sentence, "And I agree, OkieMan, the men should not enter into any divorce." I hope that's not the message you got out of what I was saying. A man should enter divorce for all the same reasons you should -- if that's how they feel about their spouse.
I sense that you're hesitant on the divorce option because of finances and family concern. I believe that those are the wrong, wrong reasons to avoid it. Why are you so attached to "luxuries"? Be willing to sacrifice this materialistic need and be happy by doing the right thing. The family -- yes they may be hurt, but they'll adapt.
I'm not advocating divorce. I think in almost all situations, you should work it out. But when there's no love, then THAT'S when I see it as a must. It's showing real "love" when you can grant him your honesty. Otherwise, it's disrespect and a fantastical life. It's not real. Who knows, you may find that a situation like Leather set up for herself may work for you. Likely not though, could be too painful for everyone.
And, anyway, the 'screwed to death' piece concerns me. Too much Viagra and he dies on top of me...a very messy situation indeed.
I do, however, appreciate the humour of your post.