In the 14th year of marriage, a Co-worker approached me with a picture on his phone, asking if it was my wife and if he could ask her out on a date.
Nothing like a kick in the balls to get a mans attention, please, tell the man who loves you that things are not good for you in the marriage and you are comsidering divorce.

Granted, as the board has stated, there are things that need to be prioritized before hand. The advice you have read here is good if not great.
What ultimately occurs is your choice alone, but with implications that create a ripple effect throughout the rest of your life.

IMO, forget #2 & #3 and put a lot of time considering you
Make a list, pros and cons of your marriage, weigh them against each other and make a decision before announcing a divorce intent, sadly, men are often said to think only with their little head, thus forfeiting what their big head knows is best, and just as many things are, its no different with women.
Counseling would be wise, sexual counseling seems to be fitting as well,,, some of,us guys are pretty dim witted when it comes to bedroom activities, we become complacent thinking we do what needs doing without knowing what is desired.
Whatever you decide, be considerate of the groom, I believe he deserves that, and I certainly would never wish him to find out your infidelity, the way I did.

Whatever happens, I wish you peace and happiness along with the same for your H.

Life will go on.

Jmo

You could also ask your physician or a nurse. They often know people in the field.

And keep the goal in mind that you are worth it, your happiness shouldn't be put on the back burner.

Honestly it seems you have a lot going for you, a lot to be thankful for & your husband seems pretty amazing actually that at your guys' ages you still have sex once a week. Seems like you have a good man there who wants to be with you. Just help him to understand that your sex drive is in need...but of course the hard part of addressing the infidelity first. Maybe he will even be agreeable to an open marriage or swinging. Then at least you can get rid of the shame, confusion & deceit.

Cindy, I think you do need to see that counselor. Interviewing or getting referrals is a great way to select one. Just don't pick some random Jane or Bob to be "the one". You need to feel comfortable, IMO.

But right now, I don't think things are going well. Your antics from a couple night ago are very telling. You're taking the easy route right now, you're not hunkering down and really putting all your effort into resolved this, one way or another. It's easy to flirt, cybersex, or have real sex with another man. That's an escape. The REAL work, the REAL difficulty, is doing the right thing. That's cutting off contact with the OM and focusing on problem #1 -- your marriage. I fear that everything that's been said from people in here, and I think you'll agree it's all been pretty consistent, is falling on deaf ears. It's NOT going to be easy if you do cut off the contact; you'll have the OM on your mind for a long, long time. But you need to handle things first. Then the world is your oyster, kinda.

You wrote on here for advice and that tells me you are somewhat serious, kind of at a junction. It's on your mind and can't be just a game to you. So that's good. But making the next step is the big one. The one that separates you from just toying around with the idea vs. truly wanting a solution. I hope you don't stretch this "crossroads" out too long.

I know it's confusing times for you. I know though firsthand that you DON'T want this on your back for too much longer. It's going to be bad if your husband finds out and everything you know will be destroyed way worse than if you deal with this head on and get it over with.

Hope you make the strong, right decisions.

"I had bfs who were studs, but there was always a lot of drama and stress in those relationships."

Yep, Cindy, I've noticed that too, and that seems to be the trade-off. More wild sex = more psychotic, jealousy. More boring sex = more stability.

"I did love my husband and still do. I am just not 'in love' with him anymore. It feels more brotherly."

That's probably the result of extended domestic cohabitation over the years. Too much familiarity. You know each other's every quirk, how each snores while sleeping, etc.

Time "off", time away from each other, trips travelled solo, or with same-sex friends, in my opinion, are a good thing. Then you have time to forget the familiarity of each other in the day-to-day routine and miss each other again, fall "in love" again when you actually do see each other.

I realize trips might not be economically feasible. Take a new job, so you're out of the house more?

tossedasideI agree that is a horrible way to find out and I would hate for that to happen to my H. He is a good man. He deserves a better wife. I know I should ditch both of the other men. #3 would be easy enough. I like him, but dont love him. #2 is another story, though my love is mixed up with obsession. I have OCD, so I do tend to fixate and ruminate. I have sent the pathetic, emotional messagesI told him early on that I had OCD. His blowing hot and cold is absolutely the worst thing someone can do to a sufferer. Perhaps he doesnt know that, or perhaps it feeds his ego to have me obsessing. I know he doesnt like my emotional msgs, but they have not been a deal-breaker yet, as they are with most people.

montanameYes, in many ways, I am blessed. I dont know what is wrong with me.

OkieManI am with you. I have tried cutting off contact twice with #2. I cant stay away, because we run in the same circles, sometimes attend the same events. We will always run into each other and I need to be able to handle that without falling apart. When I msgd him God, I want you. He replied with I was looking at your tits. I caught him looking at me several times, but flattered myself into thinking he was looking at MEthe whole personbecause we did make eye contact. I know he may say he loves me, but he doesnt. I am a piece of meat, but I grasp at any straw

koolmanIronically, a friend and I were talking about doing a girls trip. It is a bone of contention that my H does not want to travel. She already travels without her H and is also unhappy with her marriage. She no longer cares about sex. Maybe when I get through menopause, I will feel the same. Hope so

I still recommend the geezer route...but then I would,,wouldn't I?

Amusing at first, geezer. Getting old now (pardon the pun).

Hey, it was a little sad to see you say that you don't know what's wrong with you. Seems more like what's wrong with the situation. Doesn't seem like you care for the situation, which is upsetting you. Just fix the situation. Sorry if this sounds sappy, but I do feel for you a little in that I think everyone deserves to have great sex. Also I originally thought you were a little older because you mentioned a company that you retired from. I would also want sex more than once a week at your age. I hope you keep working on this. Chin up

there's always the ignore button cindy...I'm using it..

yes, I am retired from an auto company. We have thirty-and-out, regardless of age. Plus, I was given a lovely buy-out package during the 2008 crisis.

I figured early retirement. See ? you have a lot going for you. Maybe depression is making you crazy horny. I don't know a lot about depression except that it's real & treatable.

I sent guy#2 another emotional message last evening. Then we talked and decide to keep contact to a minimum. I will see him at social events (unavoidably) at times, but that one is now over. I am crying off and on, but it also feels like a relief. I am still involved with #3 at this point.

I didn't know that my husband was as unhappy as he was. I thought we had no secrets. I found out and forced him to come clean. It was the worst day of my life and it just kept getting worse. I wish he would have told me on his own, but what's done is done. We had choose let it go or keep working. It will be hard and feeling will be hurt, but if you love your husband in any way, shape, or form, come clean about everything. Don't let him find out on his own after the shit hits the fan, that is heart-breaking.

Normally a cheater, rarely maintains a strong bonding relationship once the infidelity begins, or so say the numerous posts made by some openly honest folks on the B&D board. Not so much scolding you, as thats not my right. However, #3 is married, correct? Imagine the turbulence in his family if his infidelity is found out. Can you live with the homewrecker brand? Cut your ties cild turkey.
It seems to me the best solution is for you yo confide in your H,, confess, and seek additional help and guidance if wishing to preserve your marriage. If not, same steps, confide, confess and walk away.
Broken trust is an overwhelming obstacle to overcome, and if #3 is to be a regular, you really need to ask yourself, how far do I trust a person who willingly breaks wedding vows.

I am not so naive, to think it does not happen frequently, still, its not right on your or #3s behalf in regard to your spouses.

Jmo, Hope you do find a resolution.

Dear Cindy, I sympathize with your delema. I encourage you by letting you know you can find resolution. You are stronger than you think and smarter than you think of yourself. I will offer my 2 cents from a female to female "emotional necesseties" standpoint.

Firstly, they don't call it the "change" for nothing. Hormonal changes take place estrogen diminishes, testosterone increases. But we as females still need emotional connection. (It's a raw deal if you ask me. ) But that's besides the point. No doubt sexy hunks have the ability to match our libidos. But can fail miserably in the emotional needs dept. No fault of anyone. That's just the way it is. Understand it. Accept it. Regulate it. There are healthy choices to have both physical and emotional needs met.

As we get older looks change, meaning our confidence and assuredness can changes. No doubt the attention from sexy hunks can make or break those insecurities. If only temporary.

As we get older it's a time of reflection, things we've always wanted to have and be and do are now in our face. A now or never, use it or loose it mentality. So we think.

It's just a whole bunch of change, can be a crisis, emergency type of perception. No doubt, where marrage offered stability years and years of familiarity also bread a whole lot of boredom/ complacency/ resentments. No doubt attention from new foreign means offers a ton of excitement. I feel ya girl.

But I'm here to tell you. There is a whole lot of fantasy world going on here. These men can't bring you the ultimate longstanding inner confidence that only we ourselves can do for ourself. No doubt if you feel bad now for your choices and actions, pile a true blue Big D onto that ur really gonna feel like kaka doo doo about ur self. The encouragement I personally offer is self acceptance, communication with your one and only true mate and education as to how to obtain some marital refreshment. In other words, instead of looking outside, look inside. I truly believe that is where your answer lyes. In or out of the marriage,either which way, ur up for a challenge. Trust me, I've been single forever. It has it's own set of challenges. No doubt, ur H probably would love some refreshment himself. Look at it as a maintaince program. A little tweeking. What used to work doesn't anymore.

IMHO, I wouldn't tell him about the infidelty. My personal opinion on fessing up is from a place of selfishness. Why? So YOU feel better? Personally, I wouldn't want to know. My stance on that subject is "You live with it. You suffer for it. That's the best revenge I can think of". Sounds harsh, cuz that stuff is harsh. That's another bunny trail down the cheating side of things.

Your're caught in a loop. Trying this, cuz of that. But doing this and then it don't work! Rock and a hard place. If ur H is not up for what it takes to improve your life together, then there is one true blue answer for you. He does need and deserve to know what he can do to aid in ur happy level. Hopefully he is up for it. I don't think it's gonna take any major inner overhauls, in otherwords he's gotta change A-Z about himself or you either, just making a consistant consorted effort to recognize these areas for potential improvement. Who doesn't want to know an easier better way of doing things? Besides giving way to divorce for god's sake and the perils of cheating.

I know in a perfect world that is easier said than done. But you can do it. I just hate to see you go thru worse.