Healthy Sex Support Group
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I posted this in 'Healthy Relationships', but perhaps this group is more fitting? I hope cross-posting is okay. I can certainly use all the advice I can get! I am back at Daily Strength after a lengthy hiatus. I am not sure this is the ideal support group for my dilemma, but it seemed the best fit from the choices. I don't expect to make any fans with this post, but I am going to be honest.
I have three men in my life at the moment. I am 51 and have a husband of 26 years. I have been unhappy/bored/ out of love for probably the past 15 years. I really DON'T want to be married anymore, but am paralyzed by the enormity of untangling a marriage of such long standing. Financially, family-wise, etc. In addition, I know it would devastate my husband, who is basically a good person.
The second man is a single man I have fallen completely in love with. We were together once, in December. Since (and before) he makes dates, then calls them off. We have long chats/cybersex, then he ignores me for days. He told me he loves me, needs me, wants a chance with me if I am ever single...then turned cold again. I get my hopes up, then I end up in tears. Multiple times. He has been single for 6 years and told me I was the first woman he made love to in years...but he won't come back for more. His reasoning is that I am married and he believes fundamentally that it is wrong and he has never even entertained the idea of being with a married woman before. I understand that, but why the back-and-forth? I told him last evening that I would be satisfied with just being friends and he told me that he believed we would have our time and place and that it would all come together somehow. So now I am hopeful again...but what the hell does that really mean...? I have tried cutting off contact twice, but I can't stay away. It's a roller coaster ride form hell.
The third man is someone I sought out as a replacement for the second. He is also married. We get together about once a week and have a great time. We are both very sexual, so are well-suited, and we have a lot of laughs. He is crazy about me. I like him a lot, but can't get man # 2 out of my head...
I have a feeling this mess of my own making will one day explode and destroy my life (I also still troll online dating sites and have considered risky undertakings like meeting with a couple for sex). Does anyone have any advice for me? I need a way to get over guy #2 and a way to resolve my marriage issue...even if it means divorce.
I have three men in my life at the moment. I am 51 and have a husband of 26 years. I have been unhappy/bored/ out of love for probably the past 15 years. I really DON'T want to be married anymore, but am paralyzed by the enormity of untangling a marriage of such long standing. Financially, family-wise, etc. In addition, I know it would devastate my husband, who is basically a good person.
The second man is a single man I have fallen completely in love with. We were together once, in December. Since (and before) he makes dates, then calls them off. We have long chats/cybersex, then he ignores me for days. He told me he loves me, needs me, wants a chance with me if I am ever single...then turned cold again. I get my hopes up, then I end up in tears. Multiple times. He has been single for 6 years and told me I was the first woman he made love to in years...but he won't come back for more. His reasoning is that I am married and he believes fundamentally that it is wrong and he has never even entertained the idea of being with a married woman before. I understand that, but why the back-and-forth? I told him last evening that I would be satisfied with just being friends and he told me that he believed we would have our time and place and that it would all come together somehow. So now I am hopeful again...but what the hell does that really mean...? I have tried cutting off contact twice, but I can't stay away. It's a roller coaster ride form hell.
The third man is someone I sought out as a replacement for the second. He is also married. We get together about once a week and have a great time. We are both very sexual, so are well-suited, and we have a lot of laughs. He is crazy about me. I like him a lot, but can't get man # 2 out of my head...
I have a feeling this mess of my own making will one day explode and destroy my life (I also still troll online dating sites and have considered risky undertakings like meeting with a couple for sex). Does anyone have any advice for me? I need a way to get over guy #2 and a way to resolve my marriage issue...even if it means divorce.
step 2) go get divorce papers and give them to your husband. After that many years of marriage you should have enough respect for him to admit to infidelity and give him a choice at a life that actually contains love.
step 3) start looking into local places to live on your own. figure out a budget, what you can afford and cant, how much furniture would cost, whether or not you would be expecting alimony, etc. Then weigh out how much that all means to you.
step 4) either break it off with guy #3, or make him come clean to his wife too. if you all still want to be together after divorce, than more power to you! just have enough decency to give your current partners honesty and a chance at moving on.
I agree with Viv, stay away from guy #3 and dating sites, that's a train wreck waiting to happen.
If you know for sure you no longer love your husband and the marriage is over in your eyes, tell your husband so he's not in the dark and the two of you can figure out where to go with it. Your husband might feel the same way and is afraid to tell you.
Stbxh and I were in a very similar situation after 29 years together minus either of us cheating. We were both feeling the same way but neither of us wanted to be the one to actually say it to the other. Finally I said it, we tried counseling, we both put a lot of effort into saving our marriage but in the end it just wasn't there for us any longer. Due to finances, it wasn't feasible for us to divorce right away or even live apart so we decided to continue living together as friends/roommates (no intimacy between him and I) and we agreed we can see other people. It's not the ideal situation and wouldn't work for everyone but it worked well for us.
Sorry for being so direct but your situation really hit home.
Guy #2 doesn't sound like he is that into you unless it's convenient for him.
Unfortunately, I am well educated on horrible divorce situations...
Finances, not a problem. We have a big house with no mortgage. I have a pension. I just resigned from a job that paid well and I am confident that I will find another. Hubby has a good job. Lots of investments, etc. Money is the least of my worries, though I do like not having to budget at all. I am not sure it is a reason to hang on to a stale marriage, though.
As for step 3, I don't think he would come clean to his wife. That is not part of our arrangement...and it was exactly that.
Step 1 is the first one that I really need to take to heart. It hurts but deep down, I know it is true.
are you still intimate with your husband at all? I really think you need to just sit down with him and say, "you know that you have been my best friend for a very long time. I hate to say it, because the years have been so good, but i really feel that friendship is all that we have left right now. I wanted to just come out and say it, because with how much love i have for you as a friend, i did not want to keep you from a life with someone who can love you TOTALLY as a wife should. it hurts to say, but i just cant love you in all the ways your deserve."
Logical, kind, open.. All very good.. Do it.....
sounds like you already have that figured out, u just can't bring your self to do it.
Guy #2. . move on, forget it he doesn't love you ( IMO) , he's blowing smoke up your ass to get whatever it is he needs from you that you so readily provide. friends with him? idk, u think you could remain objective and not involve emotion? I know I couldn't
guy#3. sounds like Goldie locks found the perfect bowl or porridge there. . its exactly what the Dr. ordered ... and having sex with a couple. are they hot? :p
I'd like to ask a question, hope it doesn't offend, as I am asking for a valid reason (wont post that reason) but I am genuine in my curiousity..... are all, or the majority of, 51year old women that horny? or are you outside the box so to speak....
The consensus definitely seems to be that guy #2 really doesn't love me, despite what he says. Sigh. A hard reality to face.
Freakchick, I have heard some perimenopausal (which I am...have hot flashes, etc, but still have periods) women are horny, others not. I am, for some strange reason, hornier than I have ever been in my life (and I always did have a high sex drive). Curious as to why you asked me...can you pm me the reason?
Cindy, another problem I see with this , is that it's bound to come up that your husband will ask if you have cheated. Is it possible to get with a counselor (on your own) & talk this through. If only for the "damage control" aspect of it. Perhaps even discuss the intense sex drive you have right now. There's got to be a way of addressing all of this in a way that will work out for everyone