Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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What to do?

RaeLynn
RaeLynn

I have so much anxiety and depression due to my marriage and a huge part of me wants to leave but there is a small part that wants to stay. I guess I try to remember the good times and how he can be when he is in a good mood! I also have a daughter who loves her life and is very happy with how things are. Although she is not close to my husband/her step dad at all. She sees his anger and rudeness towards me and really has made up her on mind that she does not like him due to his anger and miserable attitude he projects to us! For example, he called me up yelling on the phone to me in front of his coworkers about how I better have dinner ready for him when he gets home! Or we will be talking and he gets insanley anger and rude out of the blue. I call him out on it and tell him he needs to not talk to me like that and ask him what made him so upset. Or I'll tell him, does it make you feel more like a man that you can bully around your wife! Then he immediately will tell me how tired he is of our marriage and threaten me with divorce immediately! I told him shouldn't it be the other way around? You have the anger issues and short temper and I feel like an emotional punching bag! So to make a long story short it gives me anxiety to even be around him! I don't want to put my daughter through the uncertainty that a divorce brings either, moving schools, cities and loosing friends. On top of it we have no family to move in with or help us. So I'm just lost. Just really trying to make the right decisions and would love some advise and comfort. Thank you all!! 

RaeLynn
RaeLynn
Yes she does seem pretty neutral and honest. I really respect her for that. I think my husband doesn't want to handle his demons and wants to pretend they don't exist. He gets angry and annoyed so easily just out of the blue with no warning sign or explanation. What makes it worse is that he is so nice and friendly to all the people he works with. They tell me how great he is and how funny he is. Especially the women.... which makes me more mad! So he can be so fun to be around with others but at home he has no filter and is a total ass! I've confronted this to him before and he denies it, don't believe him though.
Alexa987
Alexa987
I'm sorry that you're going through this, from what I read that's abuse and it's not ok specially if you wanna put an example for your daughter, hers and your mental and physical health needs to be your priority even if that means divorce, could be for the best.
RaeLynn
RaeLynn
Yes I am definitely getting really tiered of the head games! He was mean and rude to me again out of the blue and I gave it back to him... I'm getting tiered of keeping my patience and cool to only get used as an emotional punching bag! He didn't like it when I gave him attitude back and he is now not talking to me! Shoot I guess him not talking to me is better then dealing with his rudeness and attitude!
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
Hi RaeLynn, I was reading all of the posts and I was wondering how are things going now? I am glad to read you will be going to individual counseling.

In the two months the two of you went, was anything discussed about his anger management, or possibly a mental illness he is dealing with?

You said in your other post that your sex life has dropped way off. Do you know what could be causing this?

I hope things are going better for you.
RaeLynn
RaeLynn
Good Morning, I'm definitely going to individual counseling next week but he is not! He went with me over the last two months and even admitted his short temper and anger but still did not change it! So frustrating! I feel he is a classic narcissist who won't change. Doesn't want to admit or take responsibility for his attitude and short temper that causes a lot of our fights, that's why I was so surprised he admitted it to our counselor. As far as our sex life it has been bad for a while. I've talked to him about it and nothing changes, he doesn't care. It's all about him, I still think it's weird and not normal for a man! He is just so full of hate, anger, misery and bitterness. Its hard to deal with most the time, especially when I don't understand why!
urbangardener
urbangardener
You know what, RaeLynn, I was reading a few posts up and I thought to myself "she is describing narcissistic behaviors." Now you mention that you think he is a classic narcissist. Please do some reading about dealing with narcissistic people because we can't change them and it usually doesn't get better unless they decide to change. You can look up antisocial personality disorder. I don't have any books to recommend but there are some. I wish you the best and hope you keep on the path of working on your issues. A friend once said to me that until we work on our issues, we keep bringing people and situations into our life that force us to deal with these issues. I have found this to be true in my own life. Be strong and start that plan to create a happy, good life for yourself.
RaeLynn
RaeLynn
Yes, I have been focusing on my issues too. One of my main issues of bringing the wrong people into my life. If I get divorced to my current husband I will be so careful of who I ever invite into my life again. I know one of my issues is rushing into relationships and making excuses for the negative behavior. I will have to look up and read about anti-social personality disorder as well, Because that sounds like him, very anti-social even with his own family. It sucks because he wants to be able to act and speak to me however he wants and then if I snap back I'm the bad guy because I should have just taken it and dealt with it!
RaeLynn
RaeLynn
Just an update for you all. I did go and see the counselor by myself and talked with her. She basically told me it sounds like I look at the glass half full while my husband looks at the glass half empty. She could tell by our meetings that I am like a cheerleader pushing and motivating while my husband can focus on the negative and dwell on it! I told her I'm tiered of being his cheerleader, I'm tiered of being his verbal punching bag! I'm burnt out! She told me to try one more thing, she said to distance myself from him, avoid putting myself in the situation of being stuck around him for him to verbally abuse! She said go about your day and just DO ME, enjoy myself and do things that I enjoy. She told me to not reflect his negative behavior and to continue to be happy and nice to him but just stay away from him as much as possible as to not put myself in the trap. I have been doing this for the last 3 weeks and he has been nicer to me. The sad thing is that I an not happy living like this, I shouldn't have to try to avoid conversations or being around him. He in essence is not really changing, I just haven't given him the opportunity to really be the asshole he can be. Just wanted your feed back on the advice given to me. Thank you all so much!
rmb
rmb
I think it’s intended to change your behavior, not his. You can’t change him. He has to do that himself. What this does is create some space so you aren’t finding yourself trying to be the cheer leader or rally him and instead focusing on yourself.
Prycejosh1987
Prycejosh1987
Its not about remembering good times, Its about working on what matters and communicating openly and honestly.
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