Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have a question about what is gas lighting?
I will give you an example and tell me what you think.
Rmb and Aronia and everyone one else. thankyou for your SUPPORT! I know I ask a lot of questions about this situation but your answers are guiding me to see the truth!
First if all I would like to thank you for the emails that are very inspiring!
I am in a relationship that is not going well right now, and I would like to give you an example of what is going on.
Currently I am not sharing a bed with him and I don't give him any affection since he hurt me many times with threatening to leave me.
I called it a time out and said I needed time since it was not fair that whenever things would go south he would tell me to leave.
He called me stupid many times and we would fight many times about how I do things ect.
I know I am not perfect and yes I do things that don't make sense sometimes but I don't think I deserve this treatment.
After 8 months he says he wants to change but I feel there is always a but...
Yesterday after not talking to me since I guess I did something again to be upset, says that he does not like how our daughter is spending her pocket money and that my way of organizing it does not seem to work and he feels that he does not have a say in this. It bothers him when I ask him, "so I don't have a say in this?" in our arguments. After listening, I told him that if he feels that way than he should come up with a plan that would work for our daughter... He did not seem to like this response. In between our discussion he kept saying that he did not like the way I was talking and that it made him irritated and said I looked frustrated! I tried so hard to stay emotionless, however I felt a little frustrated at times. I asked him again that he should come up with a plan since he should be involved and said that he had one already. After explaining it, I told him okay go for it.
I guess he did not like how I said it or what, but than he replied with I thought this discussion would go differently and how do you like our relationship....
I said that now I was a little confused because I thought I was giving him what he asked for and now we are talking about our relationship..... He says he wants things to change yet when I ask about a therapist he says he is to scared what I am going to say about him! He said that perhaps he should find an apartment...
I asked him if he loves me and he says yes, I asked him what he loves about me and his 1st response is how we do things together. When I asked him again saying yes but what specifically do you love about ME, he says that I am goofy and how I make his problems disappear when I am goofy like this.... He had tears in his eyes when he said that!!
I could go on and on.... But I don't know what to make of this situation.
Is this gas lighting?
I did not feel good about this situation at all!!
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
I think based on what you've said, it's a matter of not if, but when, he ups the emotional abuse for sure, and if he's put hands on you already, that's not usually something, in my opinion, that's a one time thing unless serious changes have been made on his part through some kind of professional psychological intervention.
He's not normal. Nothing good can can come out of continuing to live with someone like that.
If he ever did change and that is what I am after, of course I would give it another chance. Everyone makes mistakes and we are not perfect, however continuing in the same path will kill me and I will not help him! That is why I am analyzing all our arguments now to see if there is a change? Because I may be to deep to realize or be in a defense, although I don't think that is the case!
What power does he have with the system that you don't have yourself? What does he think he has on you that he holds over your head? It's quite unusual for a judge to place a child with the father, unless there is serious issues going on where it's not safe for the kid to be with the mother. He's using that to intimidate you. This is where finding some resources, like through a women's abuse agency or even through legal assistance groups, who can tell you your rights. I know that may not be where your head is right now but these things are very important to start looking into in advance of leaving, so that if you had to leave ASAP, you would be somewhat prepared.
But in order to get the ball rolling, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that you have given up on him, there are no more chances, and no going backwards. You have to stop being afraid of getting hurt, hurting your daughter, or hurting him. Hurt of the heart can heal, but hurt of the mind takes it toll. Don't use this excuse as a roadblock.
Analyzing arguments isn't going to tell you if he's changing. Change is something that is clearly visible by the actions that they take, and they will be very noticeable. Analyzing arguments like a detective going through evidence, to find something that tells you he is changing tells me that you're grasping, and there is nothing wrong with this, it's something everyone would do. Just as long as you are aware of it, so you don't use it as a barometer to decipher change in him.
If you want to be smarter than him about this, line up a support system, tell those you can trust, in confidence about your situation, so that people can vouch for you if he gets mean or weird, then you have proof, and he can't invent horrible things about you, because you have back-up. So getting support is the most important thing you can do now.
Get used to operating in stealth mode when you're around him, so that you're not relying on him for anything emotionally, and go with the flow. Don't spend any of your energy thinking about him, or what could have been or anything like that. Get strong and be strong, and spend your energy on your exit plan. Let him believe that you're fine and all is well.
But in order to be able to do this, you have to let go, and put any ideas of the two of you getting back together, to bed, in order to be effective. Often when we are emotional about something, it can stand in our way of moving forward, and we have to parent that emotion, and put it aside, knowing that there are bigger fish to fry. Practicing this will also give you strength and a sense of empowerment, which will serve you well, and get you to the place you need to be.
Both of you are absolutely right! I guess letting go is one of the hardest things I have to do. I know it is for the best! I don't understand why there are people that can hurt or take advantage of you like this... It really breaks my heart!
Chances are, he not only doesn't love you, he hates himself. And like most bullies, he tries to bring those closest to him well beneath him, not that it will make him feel better about himself, but because he wants those around him to feel worse than he does. You cannot give love when you don't know what it is.
The hard thing for anyone in this type of controlling, abusive relationship to do is to set aside what you think he thinks he wants and needs, and look solely at yours (and your daughters) needs. I suggest that even if he doesn't want to go to counseling, you do.
Also, check out this website: www.deluth-model.org
I wish you lots of love.