Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have a question about what is gas lighting?
I will give you an example and tell me what you think.
Rmb and Aronia and everyone one else. thankyou for your SUPPORT! I know I ask a lot of questions about this situation but your answers are guiding me to see the truth!
First if all I would like to thank you for the emails that are very inspiring!
I am in a relationship that is not going well right now, and I would like to give you an example of what is going on.
Currently I am not sharing a bed with him and I don't give him any affection since he hurt me many times with threatening to leave me.
I called it a time out and said I needed time since it was not fair that whenever things would go south he would tell me to leave.
He called me stupid many times and we would fight many times about how I do things ect.
I know I am not perfect and yes I do things that don't make sense sometimes but I don't think I deserve this treatment.
After 8 months he says he wants to change but I feel there is always a but...
Yesterday after not talking to me since I guess I did something again to be upset, says that he does not like how our daughter is spending her pocket money and that my way of organizing it does not seem to work and he feels that he does not have a say in this. It bothers him when I ask him, "so I don't have a say in this?" in our arguments. After listening, I told him that if he feels that way than he should come up with a plan that would work for our daughter... He did not seem to like this response. In between our discussion he kept saying that he did not like the way I was talking and that it made him irritated and said I looked frustrated! I tried so hard to stay emotionless, however I felt a little frustrated at times. I asked him again that he should come up with a plan since he should be involved and said that he had one already. After explaining it, I told him okay go for it.
I guess he did not like how I said it or what, but than he replied with I thought this discussion would go differently and how do you like our relationship....
I said that now I was a little confused because I thought I was giving him what he asked for and now we are talking about our relationship..... He says he wants things to change yet when I ask about a therapist he says he is to scared what I am going to say about him! He said that perhaps he should find an apartment...
I asked him if he loves me and he says yes, I asked him what he loves about me and his 1st response is how we do things together. When I asked him again saying yes but what specifically do you love about ME, he says that I am goofy and how I make his problems disappear when I am goofy like this.... He had tears in his eyes when he said that!!
I could go on and on.... But I don't know what to make of this situation.
Is this gas lighting?
I did not feel good about this situation at all!!
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
Gaslighting is more like...say you had an awful time on your honeymoon, and when you get back he insists that you had the time of your life and he twists his descriptions of those events to support his claim.
What he's doing is flat out Negation. He's saying if you want our relationship...you'll do it my way. I guess some people could live with that...I couldn't. More than that though...I wouldn't let him do that with my kids. It's not "spending money" if they can't do with it what they choose, including lighting it on fire in the backyard (some of the games aren't really that different) and watching it burn.
Kids learn how to manage money...by managing money. My 5 year old learned that a dollar could get him one matchbox new, or could get him between 2 to 10 used at the flea market. Sometimes he chose new, sometimes he took the ten. Once he had a pile of them, he was more likely to want a new one, or to save his money for something else. In any case, he "wasted" plenty of his dollars, splurged on nice cars with others, and saved the rest. By the time he was 6, he was adept at making his own decisions.
But if I'm "giving" him money, and then saying "spend so much on lunch", "buy a t-shirt", and save the rest...then I'm spending the money...not him.
Would that be gas lighting?
I'm going to say something about kids. Their job is to survive in the world...that's what they're biologically programmed for. So if to stay on the good side of her father she's got to say, do and even think that...that's what she'll do. (Plus ALL kids play their parents off of each other...it's sort of the national sport of childhood.)
Do NOT take it personally. Just go home and love your daughter to pieces.
If you want me to come up with a "label", I'd say that it's more along the lines of Parental Alienation which I guess you could say is a form of gaslighting HER. (Or could also just be that her parents are fighting so it's easier with only one of you there at a time...I can respect that...can't you?)
I'd respond by "Great, I love that the two of you get along so well." (A bit passive-aggressive on my part in spinning his comment...but whatever.) I didn't have kids so that they'd like me or only want to be around me. There are plenty of times when my kids are happy to get away. Then we come back and love (mostly...but not always) our time together.
My daughter is 8. I love her with all my heart and wish her a healthy relationship with her father. I get what you are saying!! Very normal to me, however I am not sure what he is doing is very fair!!
That he likes you best when you're goofy...isn't a good sign to me. I mean it's fine, great, wonderful to joke together, but that's not what I would really want someone to like best about ME.
I'd like them to like my "person" (soul, spirit, essence, whatever you want to call it). I'd like them to like my values. The way I raise my kids (this is NO small thing!) Like holding me when I cry. Like it when I hold them as they cry. Not so much "one" thing as a balance of things...give and take...strong and weak. Like the way I make decisions (for SURE). I don't just want to be someone's silly little thing.
You're wondering if he's manipulating you, yet you're giving him no affection, sleeping in another room and acting emotionless around him? What am I missing here?
Why has he been threatening to leave, and why have you taken such drastic measures with him?
You haven't disclosed what it is that you're doing that is "probably" upsetting him, and you're saying you're not sure why he's now not talking to you. Haven't you asked him or has the communication completely broken down? I apologize if I've missed something.
He probably isn't reacting well to your your house rules. I do think however, that it's obvious he cares about you, by how he responded to your question about if he loves you, but it sounds to me like he's wondering if you truly care about, love and respect him.
When I asked what is wrong... He gave a cold nothing....
"Which I started thinking what did I do now??? "
Than after a few days like this, he says we need to talk, and I think there we go again.... This is our constant cycle where he brings out what he is upset about me, and how I need to change or how I did something wrong and than if he does not like how I act, the answer is I need to break up with you.
1. He says he does not like how our daughter has become because of how I mange the pocket money. He feels he is not included although we did have a discussion about this together.
2. Since I did not want him to feel excluded, I told him to come up with a plan that works better since mine did not.
3. He kept arguing about why me, you can do it to... And I replied that yes we will decide together but he should come up with a plan since he does not feel involved and has nothing to say....
4. He said he already has one and explained it to me and I said ok let's do this....
5. He than answered I did not expect this kind of conversation and asked me if I was happy in our relationship?
6. I gave him what he wanted and now he is upset and changing subject to something I am not comfortable talking. Our relationship and he knows that. I always felt heart broken when he mentioned break up. He was doing this again.... Although I gave him what he wanted.
Now with asking why he loved me, because he could never answer what he really loved about ME. Only what I could do for him. What about as a person. He can not answer that! It bothers me. I don't feel loved by him for who I am. He keeps joking about my silliness, or how my brain does not work or how woman can not be taken seriously ect. When I say his jokes are not funny... He says I am just joking. Don't be like this!!!
I hope this clarifys a bit!