Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
sigh.
Some of you know my story, I left my husband in july after four difficult years.
In April he got arrested for inappropriate conversations with a 15 year old girl, the charge was harassment. /he is consumed with anger and resentment about the effect this has had on his life. He lost his business and me. I left in July.
I was doing okay, I had signed up for Uni and started in September. He came up a few times with some of my things and it didnt feel quite finished, although he insisted he still wanted to divorce with a 'maybe we can get remarried later'. I was confused.
In October he asked me out on a date. and I hesitated and thought long and hard. and I went out with him. So we are dating again. I live in Lincoln, he lives in Cambridge. Initially I was dosappointed in myself. I know my family will be too. No one knows on my side just yet.
On Firday we were chatting and he suggested we go out o a nightclub, now its really not my thing and I said so. I then sent a text to my daughter saying ...he wants to go to a nightclub OMG! ...but by mistake I sent it to HIM! Uh oh. Anyway. after some serious shit being thrown and accusations from him that I was sending it to a man it all got sorted out. the next night I travelled down to see him and when I got there he was still out at a dance. We originally met doing Ceroc and he was at a freestyle night, I knew he was going. Whatever. When he came in he was really happy to see me and we cuddled a little. then I realised he didnt have his wedding ring on.
He had taken it off to go out. After some probing. He said he didnt want to appear married and he didnt know why. He just kept saying he didnt know why, I kept saying he needs to think about it and tell me whats going on here. He insisted we wear our rings. and he said he wore it while he was teaching, he took it off because I had made him angry the night before with the text thing. If I hadnt had a whisky when I arrived I would have walked right there. First of all he told me he was trying to protect me from being associated with him should it come out about his conviction he didnt want anyone to know he had a wife. And when we talked about it later he told me he was still angry from the night before.
I was pretty devastated to see him not wearing his ring. He has a cheating past and I thought it meant he was on the prowl.
He is a bit of an emotional mess, hes consumed with rage from this conviction which has stopped him from being able to work with children.
when we are not together he rings me and texts me when he says he will. He has supported me financially. When we are together he is loving and kind and thoughtful. But somehow I feel he isnt fully committed to me, I cant explain it at all. I have talked to him about it and he says because he isnt sure what will happen in the future with his conviction. He is trying to get it removed and is sueing the Police for wrongful arrest.
I feel like hes playing with me. I dont know. I just feel uneasy. When I try and talk it through with him he just gets cross that I have brought it up again and that I cant seem to uderstand how he is in turmoil at the moment and not himself. He just says hes going through a lot.
I thought he was a Psychopath, Im not sure if he is or if he is an emotionally unavailable CoDependent. He is very jealous and insecure. He is convinced I am not being fathful ( which I am) I dont know what I thought I was doing getting back involved with him. I wanted to see if I could see him clearly from a distance. I just missed him. I told him I want a fully open and honest relationship and we make plans for the future. I was very upset about his ring not being worn. It smells bad.
I wanted to work at this and not chuck it in, I wanted to work at having a healthy relationship and being strong and assertive about my needs. I find myself feeling clingy and insecure, needing reassurance all the time. He treats me well when we are together on the whole. I dont like feeling like that. He just says I should give him a break and cut him some slack with what hes going through.
Anyone find me some clarity here.
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
He is incapable of love. Heis an abuser and he is destroying your strength.
You were much more solid when you stoppped contact with him.
If you can, stop all
Communication and block him. If you need some male attention, try chatting with men or dinner dates. He is hurting you again.
Big hug and be strong
He said something really quiet in bed in the darkness
' Im so scared, with you being there and not here, so I can't control you or see what you do.'
gulp.
I just wanted to try and approach this from the angle of a mature strong woman and see how I handled it and how I saw it. If I hadn't had a drink that night I would have gone but then I was so tired I caved. for a minute there I actually grew a pair. He convinced me ( or I convinced myself?! not sure which) that he did it to protect me, now he's saying he did it as he was angry.....
inappropriate behaviour with the girl.
I have PTSD too, yet it doesn't make me run around and ruin people's lives.
He is a monster and I am
So sorry you are in love with him.
I think eventually you will
Come to a point when you will just drop him, but it's not over till it's over...
I put up with this crap for 6 years.. so I know.
Hugs
But I think its more than love, its like the trauma bonding.
I am trying to be more aware of the abuse and react healthily to him. I find myself reacting less healthily these days and I need to work on that. I find myself trying to placate him and apologise. I mean he is now saying he took his ring of because of the text error, but then he added it was because I don't wear my engagement ring or I don't do this or I don't do that.... and that night when I came over he had promised me he wouldn't be put when I got there. And he was. He had forgotten his phone, I felt that if it had mattered to him he would have remembered it.
I am being stronger but he cripples me. I cripple me. It hurts, it makes me sick with fear., Im not sure why I react like that.
As I was driving over that night I had an idea that something would kick off. I had a thought of ' what am I doing? What does this relationship give me?' why am I doing this to myself!
I am waiting for counselling so I hope to work it all through then without burdening everyone here with my stuff. I am to sure why I even went out on that first date with him. What was I thinking?!!!
This is a really interesting article:
http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html
Glad counseling is in the works, Sunny. Keep posting here though if you need to. You know how much everyone is pulling for you and wants to fortify you.
I am of course in a better position because I am still living independently from him. I know this relationship is giving me nothing positive back and I have noticed more and more how unhealthy he is. I am waiting to start counselling so I am hopeful that I will find the knowledge and strength to break away completely.
It baffles me how I like to think of myself as strong and smart but still keep going back to this man. I recognise the signs from this article.
It makes sense but doesn't help me get out. I think I just need to become resolved to expect more and it will not fulfil my new needs anymore.
It is very hard though.
On the one hand he is the kindest person I know, very sweet, generous, loving, thoughtful and funny. We like the same things, we fit really well, sexually compatible.....but then the flip side of the coin is all the rest....
they talked about cognitive dissonance in this article too, that coupled with Stockholm syndrome is a tough thing to break away from for reasons it explains.
Yeah, the cognitive dissonance points in that article jumped out at me. So did the The Small Kindness Perception and the reference to perceiving a soft side. How to get out, to stop, to me is like asking how to stop eating sweets. You just have to stop indulging the urge, even if there's a bowl of candy on your desk. I know... over simplified example, but I don't know how you navigate ending a relationship without literally deciding I am no longer contacting this person.
Perhaps it's because you had thoughts that something was going to go wrong driving there, that something did go wrong. It made you hyper-sensitive, and not seeing the ring on him, threw you into a tail-spin, as it would anyone.
It's either one of two things: he's either being truthful and very honorable, or he's being the opposite. If it's door number one, and you believe and support him, it can bring you closer together. If it's door number two, you will soon discover it, you will then know for certain, and you can confidently be on your way.
Sometimes it's okay to sacrifice a bit more of ourselves to discover the truth. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes, we can sabotage it all by reverting to fear, and not trusting ourselves, removing any chances of ever reaching and achieving true success.
Lenoire you make a fair point, I was already quite tense which is why I had the drinkie, he had said he would be there and he wasn't so I guess I was ready for something, but with his cheating past it just was like I was waiting for that all these years....
He has called me after every dance before this and since, on his way home. He is very mistrustful of me though which is sad. We have lots to work on and lots for me to think over. My own reaction for a start and why I am thinking about this so much.
We all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect however we do teach people how to treat us by our own behaviour.
I think sometimes we fill in blanks in our own minds that simply aren't true
I sent this to someone I care about recently who has been treated pretty rotten by her man and she keeps on going back for more.... I just find it really sad because she's a great person to
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/relationships-that-hurt-when-enough-is-enough/