I'm sorry this happened, RisingStar

rainn.org is a wonderful website to use. It even has a chat feature if you don't want to call the 800 number listed. I urge you to talk to someone because if you keep it inside it's not good. I was alone in pain and suffering but you don't have to be! Sending big big hugs!

"What helped me move on was accepting accountability for the situation. I didn't deserve to be raped, but if I made better choices, it probably wouldn't have happened."
Jesus, Aronia......I get what you're saying, truly I do. But I find this way of thinking kind of counter productive to someone healing AND to the whole "right to say no" bit. I'm struggling with this statement, primarily because NO ONE who was raped (no matter the circumstances) should take the onus of responsibility on to themselves. I consider myself to be an extremely open minded person but I have a HUGE issue with your statement. Without starting a war, can you please clarify?? I think this a wrong message to be sending to victims of a sexual assault. Just my opinion and I'm certainly not disregarding yours. I just want to understand better, I guess. Certainly you are applying this only to your situation and are not suggesting that this be the emotional route that people who have been raped generally take?

All I am taking responsibility for is getting together with a guy I didn't know. But then having thought about it, you could know someone, he ends up turning out not who you thought he was and rapes you. So, either way it's a battle you cannot win.

I didn't set out to ger raped. I didn't do anything exceptionally stupid or out of ordinary. I think i was just unlucky.

Nobody ever sets out to be raped, however you can put a nail in his coffin so no one else has to go through the pain you're going through. It is a battle you can win, but you do have to be willing to fight. Yes you can know somebody and they change but no is no! You can be married and if you're husband still forces himself on you after saying no and without consenting that's still rape! I really hope you get some professional help so you can stop beating yourself up about this because it's not healthy to keep going as you're doing. I wish you peace and if you ever want to talk pm me. Sending big hugs

You will get through this. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but rather supportive.... There are women in other countries who get raped all the time and literally have no protection and no help.
Growing up where I did, by the time I was 18, I was sexually assaulted over 10 times. Thankfully, really raped only once.
I looked at my friends and thought - if these girls can find the strength to get on with life, I can too.
At least in US ( idk where you live) you can bring someone to justice.
There is counseling available for rape victims, take advantage of that...idk
If it will be helpful to you.
For me Personally, it was best to just stash it away in the back of my mind and move on with life ASAP.
sometimes facing the abuser directly is helpful and saying " you did this" gives some Closure. They never admit to it, but at least you say what you have to say . Just the sound of it is a validation of the truth.

Forest freak - I just read your measage...
It is hard for me to explain in detail why I think the way I do just because my thinking has been shaped by 1. Growing up in a military country 2. In a place where sexual assault is common place
my thought about accepting accountability is applied to any situation, not just this one. I hate feeling like a powerless victim, therefore the idea that I had a choice to take a different action gives me some empowerment.
It also gives me some consolation that it was a lesson learned and I would not allow a particular situation recur.


When I was growing up, as civilians, we were trained to prepare for combat since we were children. Part of the reason why I survived mentally all the horrible things that happened to me was because of that training.

I also refuse to have any MF on this planet ruin my precious years of life by causing me lasting distress because of what they did to me. I hold the power to decide how much longer this offender hangs over me.

I am not saying the poster should do what I did because it is best, I am just offering a different way of looking at it. She needs to choose what's best for her.

I agree with lost soul it was Rape and he needs to have his ass kicked for it , if he's not going to face legal action he should have to face that .

That is sexual assault. Have You thought about going to the police?

Sorry Aronia as I am just reading your reply now...

I totally respect your point of view and your clarification made me see things from a different perspective. Thanks for responding as I agree with much of what you said (well, I'd still thank you even if I DIDN'T agree with what you said....lol). I like the point you made about taking back power - yep, very much a vital part of healing.
I still worry about some people using the tactic of "accepting responsibility' and it turning into a matter of shame, guilt and self-destruction since these things are often the fall-out of many incidences of sexual assault/rape. Hm, I'm still torn on the idea (I think there are some clear cut cases where there lies NO accountability for the victim) but you've given me much to think about.....
Jen

In US rape happens all the time, but in comparison to how it is in other places - we have it so easy.
When I was 15 some guy tried to rip off my clothes in the middle of the street in day light and this was just one of many incidences and my experiences were very common to those of my friends, so we learned to survive that mentally and have a healthy self esteem and have relationships after that. I don't wish this on anyone... Just wanted to offer some opinion that recovery is possible with good results.
I talk to my daughter about this and I tell her : "
Be modest, be watchful , be smart, be physically strong, but if this happens, you WILL survive. This is not the end of the world and I got your back"

I think because when you grow up in an environment where any kind of crime or abuse is kind of the norm (sexual assault and rape are included in those two categories) you develop coping mechanisms to harden yourself to it which results in becoming immune to it. So it's not so much, to me, that it's easier or harder to deal with for some people. I think it's resignation that this is just how it is for some people.

I agree with all you said about teaching our girls how to handle themselves. But we need to seriously start having major conversations with our boys. Let's start with: keep your hands and your dicks to yourself. That would kind of take care of it.

In California, this would clearly be rape. Something like one year in jail, given your circumstances, $5,000 restitution to the victim, and being put on the sex offender registry.

I agree, rmb, why not talk to the boys! They are the ones who commit rapes intentionally or through ignorance. It's like let's theach the girls how to avoid getting raped... the only way to avoid getting raped is by getting wrapped in cotton wool and god forbid you ever decide casual sex is a good idea. But no, it's nothing to do with men..

And yes, you are right about becoming desensitised to violence. This is my second rape. By now, I believe, I have dealt and resololved it. I'm beginning to think that rape is a fact of life that happens every so often, so, if it happens again, which it won't with a bit of luck, at least I know i have the right set of tools to deal with it.

About the boys...
I also have a son, who is 17. He is very much a gentleman and is a little awkward and didn't even have his first date yet.
I think no matter how much we talk to boys, what it boils down to , no matter what gender a child is, are we raising empaths?
An empath will not violate another human being.
Women are just as bad as men when it comes to feeling anger and violence.
If women had penises, they would rape too.
The world is full of awful people.