Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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colleen2017 10/19/2018

Hi,

What are you thoughts on when you're with someone he strikes up a conversation with the opposite sex off the street? Yesterday his motorhome broke down on a busy street. After 3 hrs I finally said lets get it towed. We were sitting in my car and he had his window down. Then he started talking to a girl on the sidewalk. It bothered me. Because why? Well I went to help him where my mother just minutes before got out of the hospital. He called while we were helping my mom to her bed at home. So when she was safe I apologized and said I have to go help the guy I'm living with. So anyways I asked him why he felt the need to strike up a conversation with another girl while sitting in my car waiting for a tow truck. He said he just wanted to make her day better. I said what about focusing your attention on the girl you're with. To myself I'm saying you know I dropped everything to help him for three hours. He took my car to get some tools while I waited at the motorhome. Plus I paid for the towing. Plus when he bought the motorhome I helped finacially almost $2000 that he didn't pay back. Shouldn't his attention be towards me and trying to make me happy?

I told him it doesn't make sense why he felt he needed to make her day better. He said maybe you should look at the real reason why it bothers you. So he throws it all back into my face saying I have the problem.

colleen2017 10/19/2018

Please keep in mind that whenever something bothers such as the above he always goes back to saying about my previous marriage where I was abused for 10yrs.
My thoughts are a couple should focus on eachother not that of making the opposite sex happy. Plus recently he was looking for a shop to rent to live in with this motorhome. He was going to pay someone more than he helps with bills living with me. Then another time he said he was moving to another province in a year or two with the motorhome. Then said he'd buy a place near the mountains to live. All this with the motorhome I helped buy and support financially when he had no money to pay for storage etc. I have some hard feelings with this. He was also goinh to pay a girl off social media to clean the motorhome and his stuff downstairs in our home. I told him there's no way he's bringing a girl off facebook into our home when he's fully capable of cleaning his own stuff downstairs.

arfie 10/19/2018

My thoughts are that it takes a village to live a healthy life and half of any healthy village is going to be the opposite sex. That's ALLOT of people to ignore and/or disregard. Focusing only on my spouse will make an unbearably small world while turning the love of my life into a prison guard.

Just my strictly personal thoughts. . .

Gentle support while you sort what ^it^ is for you, Colleen.

Financial management and domestic hygiene are entirely different subjects in my own mind. The knots get snotty when I try to mix too many threads at once. I like to tackle them separately in my own relationships.

colleen2017 10/19/2018

I'm not saying he can't talk to the opposite sex. But in my beliefs a random girl off the street shouldn't be more important than me. I don't strike up random conversations with men. I don't think that's right. Maybe I'm different but there's a word called respect.

colleen2017 10/19/2018

Also hard to trust when he's on social media constantly. And we don't do much together. We work different hours. He does his thing 99% of the time without discussing things with me. I have an 8yr old from my ex. In my eyes I dropped my family to help him and he's chatting with some young girl off the street. He's 56 and she was about 20. To me that raises a flag.

colleen2017 10/19/2018

So the fact that we live together for almost 4 yrs and we see each an hour here and there I would think he could give me some attention. I work in the field where I see lots of men. But at the end of the night if we were together with a bunch a people he's the only one that matters to me. I'm certainly not going to chat up other men.

colleen2017 10/19/2018

Please don't get me wrong, just because I helped him isn't the reason why It bothered me he thought chatting up another girl. There's been an ongoing struggle with this. He even went to the lengths to meet up with girls behind my back from facebook. He will contact girls off facebook where he was going to rent a garage from and park his motorhome at their place without discussing things. When I ask him questions he gets mad and says he doesn't need to be checked up on. He also was exchanging favours with female neighbours when I wasn't home. Because he parked in her parking spot. And she would constantly ring our doorbell late at night when my daughter was sleeping. I mean there's alot that's happening. Normally I wouldn't care. But I told him if making other women happy then spending that energy on me count me out.

colleen2017 10/19/2018

He's out and about constantly. I hardly know what he's doing. I have my schedule with work and my daughter but I'm not out constantly. When he stays home he's constantly on his phone I get the feeling he rather be else where. And the fact that he said he's moving to another province in a year or so with the motorhome that I helped with plays on my mind. And it hurts. He wants help to clean the motorhome etc. But I can't bring myself to it So what so he can take off and forget about me? Normally I would help him, but how can I in the back of my mind I'll be thinking so I'm helping him clean the motorhome so he can leave. ☹

11Christmases 10/19/2018

I think him talking to that girl while you were waiting in the motor home, may have felt like the "last straw". You have done a lot for him and in return you get a lot of disrespect - him not paying you back the $2000, bringing random people around who disturb you and your daughter in your home. This was just another form of disrespect, flirting with a 20-year-old, right in your face. Only you can decide whether to allow this to continue, or throw him and his stuff out.

Empathy66 10/19/2018

You've been together 4 years but hardly spend time together and he's constantly out doing god knows what....
You live together but he doesnt discuss things together and acts like he's single....
He's happy to take advantage of your generosity where money is concerned and sponge off you.
You drop everything for him to help him and put yourself out, and in return he chats up a stranger on the street and is totally ungrateful.
His future doesnt seem to have you in it.....

Why are you with him ??
What do you love about this man??
Just wondering...

arfie 10/19/2018

Sounds like you have ^it^ figured, Colleen.

Steadying support while you do what needs doing. Stay brave.

rmb 10/19/2018

I love it when some dude is so delusional that he thinks his mere words to a woman is gonna make her day. She’s probably thinking only a loser would chat me up while sitting next to another woman.

He treats you this way because he can. I wish he was better to you but he is not. So knowing this is who you are with, you have to decide if you can live with it because he’s not changing.

colleen2017 10/19/2018

I can't live with it anymore. It's super disrespectful. Actually when he was chatting her up I just looked away and had a look of disgust on my face. I totally agree the girl probably thought whatever..you're with a girl and a old guy. I'm thinking boy he must think he's casanova or gods gift to women. He always says he has a sexy behind etc. I say to myself you're so vain and high on yourself.

colleen2017 10/19/2018

Yes he always says a smile goes a long way and one person can make someones day. Well perhaps, or so I thought I was making his day. There were several people blowing their horn at us and swearing. Meanwhile I was there by his side. He used my car to run to his garage that he's renting off someone because we live in a townhouse. As I sit there and several men walked by I didn't strike up a conversation with them. I minded my own business. Then I had to pay for the towing because he bought things off social media to put into the motorhome and he was broke. As we waited in my car behind his broken down motorhome he was more interested in a 20yr old instead of talking with me. Please spare me.

GirlinCalif 10/20/2018

I see by your posts that you have not been too happy with this guy for the past year and a half, at least. You might want to think about what it is you do like/love about this guy and if you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is doing these types of things, such as being disrespectful to you, constantly chatting up other girls (in person and online), hardly spending time together, he seems so into himself, etc. While you decide on this relationship, you need to show a little more back bone. Go out with your friends and leave him at home. Be vague about what you did and where you went. And since he owes you $2000 on that motorhome, I guess it is yours too, so go to the motor vehicle dept and have the motorhome put in both of your names. In other words, shake things up a bit. Don't be his door mat, because he will most likely not change if you don't start doing something more out of character. Give it a try!

colleen2017 10/20/2018

Well I said to him that I helped out with his motorhome. And he's like I knew it would come down to money it always does. You helped me so I owe you my life. I shouldn't have called you when my motorhome broke down now you're rubbing it in. I said no I'm not but who cares what someone thinks or why do you care so much to make another womens day happy? What about making my day happy? You'd think I'd be more important. Holding a door open for someone or reaching something on the top shelf for someone is different. But actively seeking the opposite sex on facebook to help fix their car. Then exchange phone numbers is crossing boundaries. Or setting up a meeting with a girl off facebook behind my back is wrong. Or adding bunch of girls when I'm at work doesn't make sense. Why do you need the attention from someone else other than me?

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