Healthy Relationships Support Group

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What are your thoughts

colleen2017
colleen2017

Hi,


What are you thoughts on when you're with someone he strikes up a conversation with the opposite sex off the street? Yesterday his motorhome broke down on a busy street. After 3 hrs I finally said lets get it towed.  We were sitting in my car and he had his window down. Then he started talking to a girl on the sidewalk. It bothered me. Because why? Well I went to help him where my mother just minutes before got out of the hospital. He called while we were helping my mom to her bed at home. So when she was safe I apologized and said I have to go help the guy I'm living with. So anyways I asked him why he felt the need to strike up a conversation with another girl while sitting in my car waiting for a tow truck. He said he just wanted to make her day better. I said what about focusing your attention on the girl you're with. To myself I'm saying you know I dropped everything to help him for three hours. He took my car to get some tools while I waited at the motorhome.  Plus I paid for the towing. Plus when he bought the motorhome I helped finacially almost $2000 that he didn't pay back. Shouldn't his attention be towards me and trying to make me happy? 


I told him it doesn't make sense why he felt he needed to make her day better. He said maybe you should look at the real reason why it bothers you. So he throws it all back into my face saying I have the problem.


colleen2017
colleen2017
We had a disagreement last night and tonight. I questioned him why he added some girls on a facebook app? He said so they can send me things. I said what's so important to add these girls when all I hear from you is how stupid this game is, it's pointless, mindless and waste of time? I said there wouldn't be insecurities if our bond was stronger. But the minute I try to discuss my feelings then I'm a B. And he told me to f off this is not worth it. I said yes I was abused for 10yrs from my ex. But yes there are things that you are doing that hurts me. I said do you ever think about my feelings before doing things behind my back like adding strange girls on social media? He said do you think about my feelings? I said what trying to get attention from other women? Of course I do. You say you're busy on the weekend or doing this or that I say nothing. I keep quiet 99% of the time until things are bottled up and need to be discussed. I should be able to discuss my feelings. And he's like what are you doing looking at my phone screen? I said if you have nothing to hide it shouldn't matter. You can look at my phone anytime I have nothing to hide. plus why do you always have to take the phone into the washroom with you all of the time, what's so important to need to be on the phone all of the time?
colleen2017
colleen2017
I aldo told him a guy from our work asked me out. And I turned him down and rightfully so. It is wrong to go out with the opposite sex while living with someone. Plus it wouldn't feel right you're the one I want to have lunch with. How would it look if I went out with all the guys that asked me out. It wouldn't be respectful nor would it be professional.
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
Well, this does sound difficult. He doesn't appear to take your feelings into consideration. He is just doing his own thing, so like I suggested before, go make plans with your girl friends, or family, or whoever, and go out this weekend without him. Go do more of your own thing, since he obviously is.

Go ahead and go out with someone from work. It's not like a date anyway, just sharing a meal or a coffee. You need a friend to talk to. Nothing wrong with having friends, and yes, of the opposite sex. Look at what he is doing. And what he is saying to you. Don't stick around to be the door mat. Sorry to be harsh, but you should not put up with this treatment from him and you need to go out, without him.
rmb
rmb
No matter what you say to him, how much you explain your feelings, etc, he is not going to change. I repeat, he’s not going to change. How many more years do you want to invest in this person who clearly has no respect for you or the relationship.

You know the expression that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? You telling him over and over again how these things bothering you and expecting that to get through to him is insanity. Stop. Evaluate what value this man brings to your life. If you’d rather be with a turd of a man than be alone, he is not your problem. You are responsible for your own happiness. I’d rather be alone than be with someon who isn’t really interested in valuing me or the relationship.
Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
Once again, I agree with rmb. There can be no relationship of ANY kind (marriage, "dating", friendship, work-related) without respect. Your "BF" does not respect you, and unfortunately and much too common, the fact that you continue to stay in this relationship means you don't have respect for yourself.

Instead of demanding he makes some changes, how about making some changes yourself?
colleen2017
colleen2017
You're right I need to make a change. I told him this morning if adding random women on social media is more important than the relationship with me well I'm not standing behind it. Family or legit friends totally different. I said I know who I am. I am not jealous if other women mean more to you than I do it's your problem. He compared me to my ex. I said seriously? Am I abusive and mean? I said think about it the only time we see each other is at night. So when do we get a chance to talk? I also said if he really thinks of me like my ex treated me then I will distance myself completely from you. I mentioned don't you remember I wanted to committ suicide? I cried every night for years? I feared for my life and then I thought just kill me already put me out of misery.
colleen2017
colleen2017
Change of subject but the guy I'm with knows my past with my ex husband. So would like to share something I wrote to myself a conversation I had with my little girl
colleen2017
colleen2017
This was just before we left my ex a few years ago

I had a talk with my daughter tonight. Made me cry.
I asked what she was feeling?
With you I'm happy
About Daddy I'm sad he yells and swears at you. I'm sad he slammed my bedroom door. I'm afraid of daddy and sometimes I think he's a monster. Sometimes at night I hear daddy yelling at you and it scares me. I don't want you to go. I asked what do you mean go? She said I don't want you dead. I don't like it when he yells.
I said every one gets angry and mad. That's normal. But it's bad when you yell and slam doors.
Daddy loves you. He may not like me but he needs to control his anger with you. Every one makes mistakes and that's normal. Just as long as you know its a mistake.
IMy daughter says. I can't stand it anymore. I don't feel safe.
Can you please sleep with me all night?
Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
This isnt about your guy, your ex or your daughter. It is about you and what you do now.

It is clear (to me at least) that the time for talk is over - now is the time for action.
colleen2017
colleen2017
True and basically that's what I'm battling inside of me right now. Hard to end things. But unfortunately that's where things are at.
rmb
rmb
He brings up your ex and compares you to him because it deflects from him and he knows it’s a sore spot. Loving people don’t exploit your past pain to get the better of you and take the heat off themself.

He sounds weak, mean spirited and pathetic. Bleh. Hard to leave? More like hard to stay.

Nothing changes until something changes. That something has got to be you.

.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I think that you already know what's up Colleen..... He doesn't treat you well …..

It seems he uses women …. You don't have to allow this to continue...… I think that sometimes we show people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves

Gentle hug.... I know that it sux….. You deserve better.... xo
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
I can see this has been a bad relationship for awhile for you and understand that it's sometimes hard to just leave a relationship. For now, go stay with a family member or friend, tell him you "need time".

I still maintain that you - shake things up - because you know the talking to him isn't getting anywhere. He needs to see you in a different light. Do something big, drastic (like semi moving out... at least go out with friends, and yes, go have coffee with the guy friend from work....). Your guy needs to Wake Up. That's going to have to fall on you for right now, unfortunately.
freetobeme1111
freetobeme1111
Colleen2017, I believe you already know the answers, but are looking for affirmation. I am 54 and have dated a lot of men (I was single for a long time after my first marriage broke up). This man is using you. He is using shame tactics to control you. He is undoubtedly cheating on you with many women, he is using you for money, and he is going to leave you as soon as something that HE considers "better" comes along... which means someone who will support him while he continues to pursue other women again.

You deserve so much more than that! There are good men out there who will treat you like the queen you are. Get this one out of your life as soon as you can. Change you locks. Change your phone number. Move if you have to. Get police involved if you have to. He will continue to try to get you back until his own escape plan is complete.

Then, take your time and let a good, solid, honest, loving man into your life. I only met that man for me when I was 50 years old. Sometimes it takes a little time, but believe me, it is worth the wait. Until you find "him", focus on anything that interests you. Pursue hobbies, meet new friends, give your children all the attention and love they also deserve.

This man does not deserve someone like you, and never will.
colleen2017
colleen2017
Yesterday my daughter had a birthday party to go to. But I went to my parents in between. When I went to pick up my daughter I stayed awhile. Not getting home close t0 9pm. I didn't text or anything to tell him what was going on. I'm not usually out and about that late. So he said he was wondering why I didn't text? I just said I ended up staying longer at the birthday party. Besides my daughter's best friend since kindergarten turned out to be her cousin too. So what if I stayed and chatted with my family
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