Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
This is a recent text message from my husband that I recieved at work! " So a friend of mine (no names please) calls me up and wants to talk about some problems that he is having in his relationship. He says he does not feel loved, when asked why he feels that way, he says she does not shower him with much love and attention, she initiates only a couple of hugs and kisses every day - mmmm only a couple hugs and kisses in a 24 hour period? He said they only make love about once a week average and HE is the one who has to initiate (or ask) to be able to even get her to go into the bedroom so they can make love. I asked him if she was interested in his needs and wants, he said she wants him to listen to how her day went but when he is tries to talk, she is too busy cleaning and cooking or brushing her teeth and hair or taking a shower or playing computer games or texting friends and relatives. I told him that there are only so many hours in the day and she is using them up on other things than him - life is too short and he deserves to be loved - I said "Divorce her".
Really?
Really?
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
Funny thing, he is still the same guy; it's just my attitude that changed and therefore improved our marriage.
I am very happy with him now and am actively "in love" with him now.
Unless he is someone who's "ways" are pleasing to you, in other words he is a person who just naturally acts in ways that make you feel loving... I doubt stopping the nagging and the bitching will cause you to be actively in love with the guy, but it will bring more peace to the situation.
Right now as I see it, emjay, you are giving him too much power. He says things that go right over your logical brain and activate your action centers, where you then take actions that aren't beneficial to YOU!
I recognize this in you, because for too many years, I was the same way.
I made this quote my mantra...
" Between Stimulus and Response, there is a space, within that space is the ability to choose our response, In that response lies our growth and our freedom"
It's by victor frankl
Be aware of when either one of you are "parenting" the other.
Be aware of either one of you asking the other to do something that you can do yourself ( in other words, taking advantage of each other)
Don't fear the other's anger or disapproval if you are sure you are being fair and treating them in ways you wouldn't mind being treated.
following these tips allowed me to start feeling grateful for the good things about my husband, because I stopped being sad and wanting him to be someone he isn't.
While he is still a stinker who would love to take my power, when I stand strong, firm and fair... things are better.
In the end though... you will have to decide if it's worth the concessions... you haven't been together that long and don't share children.. so there are few ties binding you to him.
Good luck to you!
YESSSSS. That is IT.
I have a challenging husband. And we both have strong personalities but I have learned over the years that I do not have to be right all the time. I just don't, especially over what is ultimately just stupid shit. If I'm not leading by example in my own relationship, not talking the way I want to be talked to, responding the way I want my husband to respond to me, reacting every time my husband is moody or throws a fit about something, then I'm a big part of the problem. My husband is a crab-ass extraordinaire at times, a moody cuss. But that's really not about me, and not up to me to fix or change. It took me a while to not take that part of him so personally, but once I stopped reacting so emotionally about it, our relationship did improve and we became closer. And I've seen him reacting to things better as a result as well. It's not perfect, and I am certainly not perfect and every so often I trip up, but for the most part, I've really tried to be the partner I would like to have!
Listen, I'm not saying stay with someone who treats you poorly or who you don't actually like as a person. But if you have genuine affection for your husband, then look internally and see if what you can change and even if you want to change. I know it seems unfair that you have to change things in yourself and he doesn't have to change, but that's not really what this is about. It's about being a light in your own relationship, and how you do that is to first be accountable for your own role in the relationship and the dynamic.
We agreed that we are both sensitive and defensive. I've told him I will try to 'sugar coat' every question I have to the best of my ability. This is NOT me as I am usually blunt but polite, I get to the point in a discussion without the fluff. This is where my husband and I greatly differ. I want the Reader's Digest version and he gives me War and Peace. We've actually joked about this.
He is a wonderful husband who would do anything for me, materially. I realize I have to change my attitude.
Thanks ladies, you have been a wonderful support as I do not have anyone to discuss my problems. This site has been a God send.