Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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emjaybar 04/01/2016

This is a recent text message from my husband that I recieved at work! " So a friend of mine (no names please) calls me up and wants to talk about some problems that he is having in his relationship. He says he does not feel loved, when asked why he feels that way, he says she does not shower him with much love and attention, she initiates only a couple of hugs and kisses every day - mmmm only a couple hugs and kisses in a 24 hour period? He said they only make love about once a week average and HE is the one who has to initiate (or ask) to be able to even get her to go into the bedroom so they can make love. I asked him if she was interested in his needs and wants, he said she wants him to listen to how her day went but when he is tries to talk, she is too busy cleaning and cooking or brushing her teeth and hair or taking a shower or playing computer games or texting friends and relatives. I told him that there are only so many hours in the day and she is using them up on other things than him - life is too short and he deserves to be loved - I said "Divorce her".
Really?

onetoomany 04/01/2016

So he confessed that the story was made up and actually about you?
Is he saying he wants a divorce?

What an ass-clown.

emjaybar 04/01/2016

He came home around 10. I was on my laptop, got up to get a drink, I saw him go down to the basement, I went back to the laptop and there wasn't any internet. Really? I asked him why, he said the internet went down so had to reset the router (which happens a lot). I told him he could have told me because I was doing some work, he argued that I couldn't have because the Internet was down. Well, it wasn' down a minute ago when I was working. He started arguing, I told him he could have told me what he was going to do out of common courtesy. He blew up, then I blew up. I can't deal with his inconsiderate, narcissistic ways. He argued that point also. I'm tired.

rmb 04/02/2016

I wonder if he has an undiagnosed mental health or a physical health issue that makes him behave so strangly.

emjaybar 04/02/2016

I have mentioned counciling but he won't hear of it. We have talked about not fueling the fire when either one of us gets on each other's nerves. When he makes a snide remark, I ignore it. When I makes a snide remark he ignores it. Why do we talk to each other that way anyway?! Why are we fresh to each other?! Why can't we ask a question and not be questioned about asking a question?! Why do I have to pussy foot around him when I talk to him or ask a question? Why do I have sugar coat everything I say? His relationship with his mother has done a lot of harm. Because of her hardness and lack of attention toward him, he has become starved and battered. This is not a healthy relationship.

ltwist 04/03/2016

Your husband is not well from the little I've read. He's most likely abusive and, yes, this way of being is very likely tied to his upbringing. I was with a man not too long ago who in the beginning was charming, modest, and treated me well. A year into the relationship he could not longer suppress his anger and controlling ways, unbeknownst to me. He also claimed to have been the only child of 4 that was physically abused by his father.

I feel for you Emjaybar. If this is the case with your husband, it is not something you can fix and it's not something he can fix without a lot of help...counseling, therapy, etc. I suggest you read up on emotional abuse and see if it sounds familiar. There is also a wonderful emotional abuse support group on DS. The folks there were pivotal in helping me to see the light and recover from that relationship.

Sending you a big hug.

emjaybar 04/04/2016

Thank you Itwist.

Misred 04/04/2016

It's obvious to me why he doesn't want to go to counseling....then he would have to address his issues. He would rather try and make you change. The problem with that is if and when you do...it's never enough. Sorry you have to deal with this stuff. My mother went through it with my dad and finally left.

Lenoire 04/04/2016

I'm sorry to hear you are still going through this. But I have to say, you continue to add fuel to the fire, just as much as he does. This bickering only comes to an end when one of you takes a mature attitude towards this.

So what if the internet was up and it's now down and he reset it after going to the basement. So what if he says it wasn't up, when you were just on it. What's the point in fighting over it? When you're both in the dog house, just play along with it if it means keeping the peace. A good dose of these, playing-along-with-its, and I guarantee you will see a change in attitude from the both of you. You're really not helping matters any by digging your heels in and spouting off, or getting out of the car and walking 5 miles in the rain. What good has come from it? One of you has to be the hero, if you want to save your relationship.

You can bicker till the cows come home, but no one is going to step in and save the day; not a therapist, not your mothers, not your minister, or anyone else but you.

I wish you well.

emjaybar 04/04/2016

Lenore, you are right. And this is what I resolve to do.

emjaybar 04/04/2016

So now he wants me to write a list of what I want from him, what my expectations are of a husband. Ha, he said he'd give me until the end of the week. Um....I said I would not under ANY circumstance. AND he's recording our arguments because he claims I forget what I said! He's the one with ADD with problematic memory!! I have nothing to be afraid of, I don't forget. What I do though is come at him with sarcastic remarks, I told him that that would stop as it is rude and disrespect. I also said wwe need to stop feeding each ither's fire. I don't have much hope.

ltwist 04/04/2016

EJB, the way I read your post about the internet going off, it sounded like he may have done it on purpose....it also sounded like that's what you may have thought. Just wondering, is that the case? If so, that was a really nasty move on his part.

I realize the label of abuse can get thrown around too easily these days. But, almost at the same rate I believe, it goes unrecognized. In other words, the victim doesn't realize or can't accept that their partner's behavior rises to the level of abuse. I guess what I'm trying to say is just do a little research on the subject and see if it fits your situation.

A written list of your expectations of your husband? A deadline to complete it? WTF. Why can't you have a conversation like two people who love each other. And recording you. Unbelievable.

I think its actually good that you give it right back to him. He's needs to be called out on his ridiculous behavior.

emjaybar 04/04/2016

Another scenario from this evening. He needs a project. He's home all day, he's retired. We agreed on buying an old vehicle for him to restore. I asked him what it was going to cost us and he immediately got on the defensive and asked ' what are you worried about?' I'm not worried about anything, yes he takes care of the bills and is very meticulous, we have a wonderful savings account. I told him that spending should be a mutual decision and it was an innocent question. I asked why he got on the defensive he told me I didn't have to worry about what he spends because he knows what's in the checking account. But when I want to buy something big I have to check with him first to make sure we have the funds. Can we say ' CONTROLLING' ? Yep.

missscales 04/05/2016

I don't pretend to know what is really going on in your life, but it sounds to me that you are both acting insecure and defensive.

He wants you to write a list? Agree! Tell him that you think a list is a great idea and you would like HIM to write one too. Then you can go through each item and work it out...if you are both honest and reasonable with your lists, I think that would bring a lot of peace and understanding to you relationship.

Make another list of all the things that you are already getting from the relationship. Make sure he knows what you think he's doing right. For instance, make it clear that you think he's doing a great job with the finances. A little show of confidence in him could go a long way if his controlling behavior is actually just insecurity.

Until one of you really lays down arms, I think it will be an uphill battle for both of you.

emjaybar 04/05/2016

Thing is MissScales, I have asked to make a list. He won't. I have told that I have confidence in him with the finances, I never question him. I offered him an olive branch but he won't accept it because he doesn't believe in me, his words. Am I wrong in asking him what he can bring to the table to help resolve our trouble?

Lenoire 04/08/2016

You seem to be taking the stance that it's up to him to fix this problem you're both having, without taking any responsibility for it yourself. I agree with MissScales, and what she's trying to say. You seem to have a comeback for everything anyone says on here, and I can just see that attitude being put into practice with your husband. You are going nowhere fast, and until you can see that your actions are fuelling your problems, I can't see any resolve.

I wish you well.

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