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The Ex-Girlfriend Everyone Loves

mslissi
mslissi

My husband has an ex-girlfriend that his entire family loves.  They call her family.  They invite her to family functions.  I went to his home town this last weekend for a baby shower of a family member.  As we are in the baby shower my husband messages me and my mil to go by and see how this girl is doing.  Yes was diagnosed in December with cancer and has since been declared cancer free.  I truly am glad of that because cancer sucks!  He then told me to hug her for him.  I did!  I don't have anything against her......but I just find it weird that they family stays so in touch with her.  It would be like me asking my husband to go and check on my ex.  And let me tell you that would fly over like a lead balloon.  I haven't said anything when he reached out to her when her boyfriend died suddenly or when she found out about the cancer.  Is it wrong of me to just not want to have anything to do with her?  His family just acts like it's no big deal that husband was with her for 8 years of his life.  I am just suppose to love her like they do.  Maybe I am being selfish or immature.  I just don't get it.  

refurb
refurb
i see it the way that you do.

it is nice that his family didn't freeze her out.
it is strange that they didn't put a little distance between her and them even before you came into the picture
once you were in the picture...she should have been less in focus

i find it strange that she herself hasn't stepped back, no honor in her
collegekid37
collegekid37
If you know your husband would be upset about going to see an ex of yours, I don't think its very fair of him or his family to ask the same of you. How often do you see his ex?
rmb
rmb
Is he like obsessed with her or is it just that they managed to develop a friendship after their relationship?
Lost-in-life
Lost-in-life
Im dealing with ex wives , ex gfs , and f**k buddies why do guys do that?? And claim they love you.
Lost-in-life
Lost-in-life
And his family still loves them more then me. Even when i been there for them more then the exs.
Cora_Belle
Cora_Belle
Don't judge your husband's and his family's relationship with his ex by your experience with your ex. Maybe she really is a good, kind, nice woman who engenders close friendships and knows how to maintain friendships despite break-ups.

You can't change the attitudes of your husband and his family; maybe you should change yours. And if you don't think that is fair, then you have a big decision to make.

BTW, how long have you been together?
mslissi
mslissi
My husband and I have been together for 5 years, three years less than he was with her. I do believe she is a kind person that has fallen on hard times. He isn't obsessed with her, I think he in concerned for her. He has reassured me that he loves me and that she is nothing more than a friend. His family has much more to do with her than he does. It just gets me that his family feels like that need to keep him informed of how she is doing. Even if she is nice person. I don't have a bitter attitude, but I do have a hurt attitude. At one point I asked him if his family would rather him be with her than me. This came after my FIL brought a newspaper clipping to my house that she put in the newspaper about missing her deceased boyfriend. Who does that? He thought my husband wanted a copy of it. YES IT HURTS ME THAT LOVE HER THAT MUCH.
Cora_Belle
Cora_Belle
Competition is the thief of happiness. If you continue to compete with her for the affections of his family, you will continue to have "hurt feelings". Your choice. Or you can accept that they have different feelings toward her than they have for you. Wow, what a concept. People feel differently for different people...

PS - Jealousy is not attractive.
mslissi
mslissi
I am not competing with anyone! WOW! What a concept to just be hurt by others actions. If I felt like I needed to compete with someone I would just leave the situation.
Cora_Belle
Cora_Belle
"YES IT HURTS ME THAT (they sic) LOVE HER THAT MUCH."

Sounds like competition to me. Also sound like jealousy. But what do I know...
mslissi
mslissi
Nope that sounds like hurt to me! This is the only place that I have said how I really feel. Yes I asked my husband if he had feeling for her still, as any NORMAL person would do. I do have a great relationship with my ex's family. Do I go to their family functions....NO! Why? Out of respect for his wife. His family did pull back from me out of respect for his wife. His family still loves me but doesn't still invite me tofamily functions. Do her and I compete? Heck no! We have a mutual respect for each other.
rmb
rmb
Why are you so angry? You are posting on public forum and you are going to get different perspectives from different people based on what you write, how it might sound, etc. Try to not take it so personally.

I think your husband sounds like a nice man. His family sounds nice too. I would assume positive intent. If it’s really bothering you the talk to your husband about how it feels to you.
mslissi
mslissi
I’m not angry. LOL. You are right it is a public forum. And by me typing out a response no one knows if I’m angry, happy, or sad. I was stating facts in my last response. Yes my husband and his family are incredibly nice people.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I think it can be hard on family it they've developed friendships for years and then the relationship ends

I'm very close to my ex SIL and I don't know how my brother felt about that....However we became to be like sisters and then their relationship ended ...

Perhaps you could ask your husband to have the family visit with her at different times then you and your husband visit

I never saw my SIL with my brother after their relationship broke down... He ended up with a new wife and it definitely would have not been as comfortable for any of them.... I think that's reasonable

I think it can be sort of awkward and I hear what you're saying....

When you're the family member though it's really hard to dismiss someone you've built up a close friendship with

Sort of between a rock and a hard place

Big squishy hug......xo
introvert61
introvert61
My first real same sex love is still very much in my family. My mom just passed away in June, and my ex (now my best friend) and her wife were a very significant presence for my mom for many years, including the time my mom was in hospice. The weekend that my mother died, my ex (best friend), her wife, my sister, me and my new girl friend all celebrated my birthday together.

It is a memory I will always cherish. My mom was surrounded by the people she loved the best, and who loved her the best.

I know it's hard for you, but I hope you can open up your heart and realize that your guy's love (and his family's love) for his ex does not negate your relationship.
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