Is it any consolation to you that this confusion extends to other females, as well? Am I talking to June Cleaver, Barbie, Atilla the Hun or Gloria Steinem? The signals are so thoroughly mixed that I tend to avoid women just so that I don't have to try to interpret them and *I* am only hoping for friendship. That threat of lawsuit lotto is in the headlines every day. I am often filled with anxiety of taking the risk, even for platonic endeavors. Lawsuit lotto players are a creatively deceptive lot.

I have no clarity to offer, GAPD. Just commiseration. 21st century women are, indeed, a confusingly mixed bag, even to each other.

Did you ever look up social skills groups for Aspergers?


As for being accused of harrassment, I doubt that that would happen, even if you weren't very good at flirting or reading the signals, unless you persisted even after the females clearly showed they they weren't interested. (turned away, walked away, asked you to stop, etc)

My son's best friend has Aspergers. He's 18, and while he struggles in some social situations, he's never had a problem with this.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be very, very difficult and frustrating. If it is any consolation, at one point or another, most men have some difficulty navigating "The Mating Game." I don't have Aspergers, and I know I have spent a lot of time being mystified by women.

Flirting is hard to do. Successfully flirting is REALLY hard to do. I encourage you to work on this. Practice. You have to learn how to talk to women. I imagine it will be difficult at first. Anything worth doing is difficult at first. I am inclined to echo Patti22's comment (above): Have you looked into social skills groups for Aspergers? If not, maybe you can start one?

Bear in mind that there is a wide range between "not getting along with girls" and "girlfriend." However, you MUST do the first before you'll get the later. So, perhaps you might start by making a conscious effort to just be friendly with the girls you encounter daily, rather than trying to flirt.

And... You need to overcome your fear of being accused of sexual harassment or of a lawsuit. You are using that crutch as an excuse to remain in your "comfort zone."

Relax. 99% of the men being accused today of sexual harassment are ACTUALLY sexually harassing someone, and know it. If you are being genuine, it is really, really unlikely that anyone will accuse you of that. And if they do, you have the PERFECT explanation! You can tell them, "I'm sorry. I have Aspergers, and I have a very difficult time understanding social cues or making friends. Thank you for being direct and telling me I was making you uncomfortable."

Very best of luck to you!

Can I ask what flirting is to you or what it looks like to you? Just curious because flirting in and of itself is typically not overtly sexual.

Most women do not accuse men of harassment for merely flirting. So I would make sure you get straight for yourself the differences between flirting and taking stuff too far and coach yourself a bit.

But I do have to agree that you might want to start first practicing with just being friendly with girls. When I’ve ever experienced someone flirting with me it seems subtle and kind of organic. Telling a woman hey you look hot and I want to have sex with you is not flirting.

@rmb Flirting looks subtle, kind, and caring to me. So I do know the difference, it's just some fear that some people may not understand or find me socially awkward. I try to be friendly but I'm socially awkward and can't communicate well, start a conversation, or keeping a conversation. @patti22 I've been in Asperger's social groups before, six years ago and one I've been going to for the past three years, but not often. I would really like to make friends with non-mentally disabled people too.

Well this is the thing... in general men and women don’t think the same! To put it simply what your writing here is right! It’s not anything to do with your autism... women in general do not have the sexual drive that men do. We desire different things. Men desire physical intimacy. Women desire emotional intimacy. Men want something physical and women want to connect emotionally so the key is finding the right balance when it comes to friends. Both men and woman have to keep in mind that when we are friends with each other we are usually looking for different goals in the friendship. Men usually don’t want to be friends with girls they don’t see as potential for a girlfriend. Women don’t mind to be friends with men that they don’t find attractive.... I just got done reading an article about can men and women be just friends? The science says no... theres usually misaligned goals between the two parties so I encourage you to just be yourself, and take it slow with women, be genuine, and if you like a girl let her know! Take initiative and be confident because that’s what women want.. they want confidence... I do not have autism but I have never had close male friends my entire life and do not understand people who do. I find it extremely difficult to be friends with a man bc of my past experience of them always wanting to get down my pants so if your intention is not to be friends with a woman but to be a woman’s boyfriend then be honest with that person from the beginning and be yourself... let her know you don’t want to be friends! You want to eventually be with her sexually...

But if a woman says I just want to be friends then move on... they just want to be friends

Now piece of advice on how to get a woman interested in you.... Take interest in her other than just looks... we as women want emotional connection, want to feel safe, want to feel protected, and to feel that you will be there for us so offer that but not too long... do that at first but if it’s not going into direction of boyfriend/girlfriend then cut things off.... because your not getting what you want and girls don’t like pushovers or weak guys... we like guys who get what they want.

Also for me, I dislike flirting... people are all individuals and some women I guess like flirting but I do not... I prefer a guy to just be real with me and spend time with me and not play stupid flirting games just let me know what you really want n that’s just me

Good luck

Despite your personal experience with females to the contrary, women do get sexually aroused on a regular basis.

However, we don't go walking around in the perpetual state of horniness. I enjoy sex very much and am very comfortable with sex; I like to discover new sexual experiences and can be very passionate. However, the random guy meeting me on the street will not perceive me as "horny", "sexually aroused" or interested in sex at all.

I'm not quite sure what you expect from the girls and woman you befriend. Your post tends to suggest you expect the females you meet to be immediately interested in sex. Although there are some females who have sex with men indiscriminately, most women tend to want to develop an emotional connection before engaging in the physical/sexual connection.

"I can't tell when a female likes me because, again, I just find that females are never horny, find sex weird, are a bit confusing, and me being incapable of noticing many social cues of girls."

This seems to sum up your situation quite well. You seem to equate overt sexual interest with the action/emotion of "liking" you. When an individual "likes" someone, they are interested in the person, not the sex. They are interested in getting to know that person in order to develop a emotional connection. I'm not sure whether you want a sex partner or if you want a girlfriend who cares about you, who has regard for you, who wants to be with you with or without sex. If you want a girlfriend, you have to be a friend first.

If you are friends with the right woman, potential for a sexual relationship will increase given patience, respect and affection.

@foundlove Girls don't like weak guys? That's unfortunate. I'm very submissive, it's how I've been raised. I would still like to make friends first, I don't have any. I understand that a small connection, friendship, must come first. @Yard_Eggs I know that I have to acquaint and befrend a girl first before being intimate. I don't just want sexual intercourse, I would like emotional connections and support too. Currently, the only emotional support I have is the moderate amount I receive from my extended family, but not always as a lot of family lives a great distance. Most of the time I just feel bored and lonely. Wish I could get out more but I can't drive nor ride a bike, I fear both for my balance is a bit poor, putting a burden on my family driving me everywhere for long periods of time. So I need some way of travelling places to meet new people first.

@gapdatar... I tried to explain but not generalize the entire men and women population.... in general I feel like women like confidence but we as people are all individuals... everybody has different preferences and just bc you feel yourself are weak right now doesn’t mean always has to be... people personalities change over time as we mature however some people never do just depends on the person....

There’s someone out there for you just act confident even if you don’t feel that.... people gravitate towards good vibes

If people are shy or awkward or introverted or submissive that doesn’t mean by definition that person is weak. It’s not a moral failing to not be an alpha male or a type A personality. To me confidence is just being comfortable with yourself. That’s it. I can tell you as a woman, I’ve never looked for a man to protect me, or do anything that I can’t do for myself. Some women like that or desire that. But we are all different. What I wanted was connection and companionship, whatever that looked and felt like, because that may look and feel different for everyone.

I want sex. I like sex. I just don’t have a sexual organ on the outside of my body that visually demonstrates when I’m aroused or interested. We give off other cues that maybe more subtle. But that doesn’t usually occur unless we feel some kind of intangible connection or draw even if we don’t know the person that well. That’s attraction, and it doesn’t necessarily mean just physical attraction. I can see if you don’t have a lot of experience with women, have a hard time reading social cues or feel self conscious about your own self how it can be confusing or seem like we aren’t sexual. How to navigate that I’m not sure but I suspect it’s practice and trial and error. Do you belong to any social networks online for young people with autism where they share experiences and what not? Could help you navigate things?

The bottom line is some people may find you attractive as a person and some may not and that is simply how it works for EVERYONE.

What I mean by starting with friendship is that if you are socially awkward, it may be easier to approach women by simply starting with friendship in mind first to take all the pressure off you having to act or be a certain way.

But I think if you can start finding ways to increase your social interactions in general, by getting out of your house, it will give you an opportunity to observe and interact more. There are buses, Uber, Lyft, etc so maybe start taking short independent jaunts, anywhere at this point to get comfortable. Start small. But start.

If it’s any consolation, I have no use for radical ANYTHING, whether they be feminists, political leaders, religeous people, etc. Most people aren’t radical in their beliefs. It feels that way because we are assaulted daily with extremists in every realm on tv, in social media, etc. So just remember what you are seeing and reading may not be everyone’s version of reality.

Men are hornier than women usually n the science has been done to prove that! In my experience I have been confused about the opposite sex, why? Bc men are from Mars n women are from Venus... they write books about how different we are... for all this confusion I’m one to look at the research... I pulled up an article for you how men usually have higher sex drive... this does not mean women have no sex drive.... just means we are different. If you think of people as no different than our fellow animal friends... the world makes more sense.... the act of procreating is very different for women and men... men do not historically have to worry about who they get pregnant and biologically beneficial for men to have sex with as many women as they can... in other words just spread that seed.... women have to be more picky in who they choose as a mate bc it’s not just about spread all your seed to procreate... it’s about finding the guy with best genes n who will be there in the long run to help take care of a child... this is why men have different sex drive than women without considering other factors like sexual abuse history or medical issues...

Here’s a article about the research behind this:

https://blog.oup.com/2010/12/men-are-horny/

Just trying to help you better understand women n I like the facts, hope this helps you

Also yes make friends first, work on yourself... one really can’t have best relationship if he or she isn’t comfortable with him or herself ... I’m in same boat, I’m trying to make for friends n be comfortable with myself more!

Also I wanted to make sure you know what I have learned... confidence is a skill that can be gained n if you don’t have it now you cAn work towards that... taking is a skill that can be practice... for example, look at actors! They practice how to speak probably every day n practice all emotions so whatever you want in life, however you want to be you can do it with work n practice... it is a bit true that personalities are ingrained n never change... we as people are always n constantly changing n evolving... being submissive while not bad can’ create problems in long run in leading to unhappiness possible for not getting what you want... practice being assertive! Google how to be assertive... anyone can do it with practice... nothing wrong with it... it becomes a problem when it to extreme like being controlling

I think some of what you're stating is extremes and I don't know that it's all or nothing for men or for women....

"Women are never horney, find sex weird"..... That's not true for most women.... Sex is normal and natural

You wrote that you grew up where women treated sex as though they were 'grossed out' by it.... I think that's more abnormal Gap

I agree that perhaps looking up social cues for someone on the Autism spectrum might be of some help..... You could perhaps ask your doctor if there's a support group in your area that you could benefit from

There's a Healthy Sex board on here that's visited by several women that may help

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/healthy-sex

I was looking up info online and I like Psych Central..... They have some references and books that may be of help to you....xo

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-it/201603/sex-aspergers-autism

@SunCloudJD Interesting long list with many sources. I read some, still didn't know how people carry it out even with ASD, and I began feeling despair. Ugh. There is something pathologically, specifically subconsciously, wrong with me. Genetic cause you f depression I guess. Runs in both sides of my family.

Big hug sweetie..... Deep breaths.... Are you seeing a therapist??…. Even if you have depression it's a treatable disorder

I have bipolar disorder again treatable...… Sometimes trying to take baby steps can be the best thing for us.... Small steps in the right direction.... One day at a time.....xo