What is holding you back? You're a good person and it's time you started living your real life, instead of this mediocre one you're settling for. You're not seeking abusive men, they seek you.

Abusive people come with specific personality traits. They're masters at hiding who they are from people at the beginning; if they wore them on their sleeve, no one would let them into their life. You discovered it years into it, but your ex, as well as your current dweeb, probably have similar characteristics, that you have observed over time. The characteristic your ex used where he complimented you a lot at first, is a very common tactic. They make you think they are crazy about you, and where have you been all their life. They do this to screw with your mind, so they can settle some roots, so that when they start causing trouble, you'll overlook it because they loooooove you so much. It's all a ruse, and this is what I mean when I say, it's common to go from one abusive relationship to another, because you didn't see the patterns.

You're a shy girl you say, this makes you an easy target for guys like them. Abusive people prey on easy targets for obvious reasons. Abusive people steer clear from people with boundaries who stand up for themselves, knowing they won't get very far. Someone like yourself, a busy working mother, running a household, shy and easy to get along with, wouldn't recognize that you're being courted by an abusive person. But if you connect the dots, and compare some similarities between your ex and your current couch potato, you may recognize parallels and patterns that you can take with you so that you can recognize them and protect yourself and your child. Children learn from parents that it's okay to live in an abusive environment, and it sets a precedent for their future relationships.

This dude has always been a deadbeat, he was just able to convince you otherwise at the outset, and probably the same as your ex. They don't just suddenly go downhill because they've found a wonderful partner who can pay the bills, cook, and carry the household. They've always been broken, you just didn't see all the cracks they glued together before they presented themselves to you. You may also have not wanted to see the cracks for your own reasons. Being able to see theses tiny cracks right off the bat, and acting upon them without the slightest thought, will save you decades of trouble with men. I guarantee you.

Thanks Lenoire, you seem to know lots about what I'm going through. The guy I'm with kinda fell into place as I was having lots of trouble with my ex. I do feel he targeted me. And seen I was vulnerable. 2 years ago I was an emotional mess and to see a pattern with this new guy wouldn't be easy. I am Leary anyways as I can't trust easily. Now living with the new guy I see patterns that of my ex for sure. Lately he's been working on his friends car a lot and last night he didn't come home until 11:00pm. I told him I'm not very happy with this. He said I knew you wouldn't be. Seriously how many girlfriends would be happy with such behavior. My ex did the same he would come home just before our daughter had to go to bed. And when she did he started to pick on me.

Weird thing happened today. I was receiving texts on my phone from people wishing another person a happy birthday. So the polite thing I thought was to respond and to say you have the wrong number. One person thought I was fooling around. So anyways he finally realised that I was telling the truth. So all through the afternoon he kept texting me. Sure I chatted a little. Then he asked me go for a walk. He said he could tell I have a good heart. I explained to him I've gone through an abusive relationship. He said sorry to hear that. But even though he sounded sincere I still have my doubts. Not that I'm looking for anything. He said no rush it was just an idea. But anyways he kept on wanting to chat even without knowing me or seeing who I am. Never once did he ask what I looked like. Just wanted to know how old I am.

Why are you giving any time and energy and thought to a stranger via text? This could be a kid yanking you around. This could be anyone! Again you are in a crappy relationship and allowing yourself to be distracted by someone who seems to pay you some attention. This is a pattern. Different men, different scenarios but kind of the same. I know I'm sounding harsh but it's frustrating to see an adult woman who seems intelligent, warm and kind appear so desperate for a man to be nice to her and so oblivious to how you make yourself a target. Be nice and loving to yourself and choose to stand on your own, independent of a man throwing some of perceived scraps kindness to you. It's like you are looking for a hero to rescue you . Be your own hero.

I'm not looking for anything believe me. I support myself 100% financially. I work full time and take care of my daughter. Honestly the person I chatted a bit with yesterday didn't mean anything. Not like I'll meet them. I don't have the time or energy to spread my self even thinner. On my part it was a nice gesture to let the several people texting someone else saying happy birthday. I agree it can be anyone and I am Leary of that for sure. I don't trust many people anymore.

Actually I told the guy I'm with to say that he's spending less time at home that I'm giving up and I'm going to make myself less accessible to him. As any relationship needs work and effort. Where both need to make time for each other. If I have to fight to get his attention then it's not worth it.

I'm not talking financially rescuing you. It's clear you can financially take care of things, since you're supporting yourself and a man who doesn't work. That's not what I meant by being rescued. I'm talking about emotionally. Because I think you'd
have a keener radar to avoid men who take advantage of you if you weren't seeking some kind of emotional validation. It's not even about trust; it's about self awareness and wisdom in choosing a mate.

I think your situation just reminds me a lot of my mom when I was young, where she was with my dad who was a rotten turd and finally left him, only to end up with another turd after my dad. It was like she went from one bad situation to another, bad in different ways but bad none the less. She was just trying to fill this emotional void, I know now, but her decision making had a profound affect on me and my siblings. Kids don't want to see their parent unhappy, neglected, upset, abused, whatever, in their relationship. It's painful to them and they feel powerless. Kids pick up on everything. And they are absolutely affected by who you choose to be with. I think knowing you have a child who has to share a home with this man who so blatantly seems to take advantage of you financially, emotionally, etc, I can't help but think, please show more strength with this man. Please.

I have read this whole thread and for the life of me, I can't figure out what this guys offers you. You apparently feed him, clothe him, provide the roof over his head and probably pay the internet bill for the FB account that you so vehemently resent and dislike. You haven't mentioned that you love him that he offers good sex. Really you haven't mention what he brings to your relationship other than enough discontent for you to vent to a faceless internet forum and random stranger who texted you in error.

What are YOU getting out of this relationship? Once you figure that out, perhaps you will see the pattern that ends up with you being in abusive relationships.

Colleen I agree with RMB and Cora Belle, and I don't know if you're reading what they're writing and if it's sinking it at all. You keep writing like you're considering staying with him. I think you need to take a hard look at yourself to see why you keep repeating these patterns of letting losers into your life, then not wanting to dump them when they show you their true colours. I think you're a wonderfully busy person, but you may suffer from lack of attention, and that's what you're after. You can't for the life of you see that you crave attention from men so much, that you're willing to put your happiness at risk just to get this attention.

I think it's time you realized this, and it's time you applied it to your life instead of just talking about it.

Wishing you well.

I came on here for support. I feel I'm being criticised somewhat. It's not easy to end an relationship just because people are saying to do so.. Also being from an abusive relationship for 10yrs isn't easy to deal with. There is a lot of emotional damage that came from it.

I don't think anyone is criticizing you. We are merely asking questions so we can better understand the situation. And maybe by answering the questions, you will better understand your situation and what you must do to improve it.

Of course being in a 10 year abusive relationship is damaging. You are not ready to leave this man, it's obvious. But I'll go back to one of my earlier responses, there are two choices. Tell him to leave, or let him stay and accept he's not going to change. Part of supporting people is telling them the truth.

Why I stay with the guy I'm with? Well obviously there are feelings between us. At one point he showed a lot of care towards me. I'm not necessarily saying he's an awful man but there are things that bother me. As listening here I'm not the only one that would have these concerns.

you are right to have concerns. That's what everyone is trying to say. Listen to your gut; the concerns are real. I think you wanted some advice on how to get him off FB and engage in your relationship and what everyone seems to be getting at is that based on your history and how your current boyfriend responds to you telling him you don't like it, this is an unhealthy situation and a deeper issue.

I'm sorry you felt the support was adversarial but you have to know people are really pouring their personal experiences out here to try to help you. It's a gift; try to see it as such.

Wonderfully said RMB. Colleen it's as easy or as difficult as you want to make it, and the advice comes from concern not criticism. But while we're on the topic of criticism, I can tell you that without criticism there is no change, we don't change, we remain exactly were we are, and perhaps this is what you want, to stay exactly where you are.

We wish you well either way.