So is he with you for 6 days of the month? Do you guys live together or are married or just dating?

I think you have a lot of good self help skills, keep practicing those. I would also encourage you to really think about naming how you feel as well as knowing why you feel what you feel. I think it can be normal to feel lonely at times in long distance relationships. My experience is I had to make an huge effort to have a social life outside of my 'love life'. Before I married this current husband, we saw each other for a weekend, two days, every 3 weeks. And we dated for a few years and then got married and we moved to the same town. It was really hard the first week after a visit, it felt the loneliest then. The second two weeks for me were more normal, I was back to my normal living style or arrangement but I had to force myself to socialize some or I'd slide into codependency. Being on my own, working, paying bills, the daily grind. I am trying to say, we lived in constant flux or change being together for a short time, two days, and then apart for 20 days so it was a lot of change. We had to travel back and forth so it was hard working and trying to travel and squeeze two days on a weekend in when our bosses would not let us have more time off. We were able to talk on the phone or text daily and I knew he was faithful.

So I am not sure if you are talking about a codependency issue or where you are always upset, anxious, doubting, stressed, unhappy without being in the presence of this man. Are you creating problems or are you actually aware of problems with this guy in the past. For example, has he cheated in the past or does he give women the old ogle eyed stare if they are good looking or have big breasts. Sometimes our discomfort is really our wise mind saying "hey, pay attention to reality" but I can't tell by your post. I don't want to assume.

Please fill in any more blanks if you'd like.

We are just dating, he works out of town and is only home for a week out of the month. We both have our own homes, bills, responsibilities, so when he’s home I try my best to be present but obviously I can’t let my own life pause. With working and providing for myself I take a lot of pride being able to support myself. I completely agreed with how you pointed out being present with your partner and then afterward trying to navigate back to my own reality because when he’s home we try to do things together and have a routine. So when we are apart it’s hard to tradition back to “it’s just me”.
I create my own anxiety. I’m honestly triggered by a lot of past relationships and I try my honest best to be self aware of my feelings. I know I start slipping when I’m triggered. My triggers really stemmed from social media or words of people.
There’s tik tok videos “how to know he’s not honest.” “If he does this he’s cheating.” They literally make me question and doubt when there’s absolutely nothing he did. It’s just my anxiety and past trauma gets triggered. The words of others is hard too, “how can you trust him?” “I had a long distant relationship and it didn’t work out because there was dishonesty”. I really try to tune out other experiences because its not mine. I fully trust him. I know he’s busy working and providing for a life that one day we can work together to build. I’ve just been struggling with the transitions (I wouldn’t have known that without you pointing it out so precisely.) it’s hard to go from being present and having my cake and eating it too. To him being gone and feeling like I’m just alone…. I try to focus on my own life and things I need to do, working, hobbies… but when I miss him.. I really get into this horrible funk…

I'm wondering if this is a routine to expect going forward, or at least for the unforeseen future? I'm hoping perhaps the time away will lessen at some point and help balance the scale in a way that each of your needs can be better met. Even in the best of relationships, it is very difficult to not feel as you are describing. Definitely keep the communication lines open with each other and continue to focus on a productive routine for yourself. Not to sound negative, but always be honest with yourself and how you are feeling.

I would love nothing more than him finding employment closer.. him working 7 hours away is hard but we try out best. He comes home for a week every month and we have planned weekend trips where I travel to him but it’s not something I can do every month. We plan special 3 day weekends and do things together when I go or we are known to just have decompress days and not leave the hotel the entire weekend. My biggest concern is trying to understand why I have all these anxieties when nothing is even happening between us.

Not knowing how severe your anxiety is, I might add that some of what you have described could perhaps be normal. Wanting to be close to someone and knowing that some obstacles exist, in themselves can make the mind wander into negative thoughts. The very thoughts about what he is doing at any given time can be easily thought-provoking. Does he think the same kind of thoughts?

I’ve never really asked about if he has wandering thoughts. I need to have that conversation to see if he feels any types of worries. I know he’s already established how much he trusts me and knows that I’m not going to hurt him. My anxiety is so much of the mind wandering.. it’s when I’m not busy that it effects me the most.

I'll try to address why we might have anxieties or worries or fears or other emotional needs. First off, we all have them. You actually have a lot of insight into this situation and your feelings. Knowing what you are doing is a huge first step in my book so be sure to praise yourself for this. I admire your honesty.

Anxiety may be/can be rooted in fear or "stinking thinking". Or maybe feeling abandoned as a child or mom or dad were gone all the time or something like that. I am just throwing out ideas, I have no idea about you as a human being. But these are the things that happen to us in our early years that sometimes then grip our brains. So we have to learn to acknowledge where our fears (anxiety) stems from and then actually work to negate that fear with positive self talk.

Maybe exploring your feelings before they happen would help. What I mean is say you start to panic on day one of him being back to work. In your head you are telling yourself stuff like you'll be alone, this is so hard, panic, why would he leave me, all running through your mind -- so think about it now in a calm hour what it is that you are feeling in those moments of anxiety. My guess is you are feeling fear or abandoned or not good enough but I could be very very wrong. We have to know what we feel as the root of our anxiety and rumination.

So stop when the anxiety starts by acknowledging what you are feeling right then, and consider write it down in a journal every evening. What is the root of this feeling, why do you feel this way. It might not be easy to think like this but figuring out the root of what makes you tick will enable you to cope with hard situations in life. If you tend to go into the negative, consider writing 3-5 things you are grateful for that day - even if the coffee was really good and the cold rain stopped. Just find things to be grateful for. This will turn our minds to being grateful instead of being unhappy.

You can look up the tenets of cognitive behavioral therapy and rational emotive behavioral therapy (the first theory of this stuff) and even dialectical behavioral therapy for these ways to control our minds. We all have issues we fret about or worry about that aren't really "rational" or that we are making a problem when if we could just cope and not fret, we'd be happier. There is an ancient book called A New Guide to Rational Living by Ellis and Harper. I am sure there are other new books to teach CBT. And there are online courses and therapists that teach this. My relative took it online and got a lot out of it but it was expensive.

There is also this group on Daily Strength for anxiety and it seems fairly active.
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/anxiety

I can see that you two are very fortunate in how you are doing your best to make this LDR work. Insecurities and anxieties often run hand in hand, often helped with some therapy or medication. Having had childhood trauma is often the cause for how our minds react and deal with current challenges and how we react.

Wow, I knew that I had family trauma but I guess I never really tied the two together in my responses/anxiety with abandonment in my relationship. It makes so much sense that it would arise in my anxieties I just I just never pinpointed it. Thank you so much for the resources. I’ve been doing CBT on my own after learning about it with social work but I really needed more resources to help my own journey. I truly am thankful for your kindness and words.

Big hugs from one social worker to another!

I have had a long distance relationship that resulted in a marriage and it's tough.....

I never had thoughts of any cheating however one person has to decide that they'll give a lot up to accommodate and sustain the relationship and that happens over time

I think the most important thing here is why you'd be having these thoughts and if you truly don't think there's anything he's doing is addressing the anxiety within yourself

You seem to have a lot of self awareness and that's great..... CBT or any behavioural therapy could really help you to move forward and to heal open wounds that you may have

Big hug of peace and calm while you work it out.... xo