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Do you believe petty lies are acceptable at all in a healthy relationship? Or should there be no lies at all, complete openness, complete honesty. I'm of the second opinion, but it seems like a utopia. It seems everyone lies unfortunately. What's your opinion?
The event in my life that prompted this topic discussion is my soon to be husband (or maybe not anymore cause I'm so disappointed) lying to me about having dinner with his ex. I know their relationship is only amicable now, so I'm not even worried about infidelity. I'm just so mad he would lie to me about it. Obviously he thought that would bother me that he dined en tte--tte with her, and I won't say it doesn't. But it bothers me a lot more that he lied to me about it, and that's a man whose main quality I admired was his honesty, I thought. And the way he lied makes it all look suspicious, even if I'm pretty sure nothing sexual or romantic is going on. Honesty is a condition in our relationship we had spoken of many times as it is very important to me. I have been deceived too often in the past.
I have already called off the wedding thing, luckily no set plans had been started, but I'm even thinking of kicking him to the curb even if what we had before was beautiful and he is a good man. I'm just not sure he's the man I thought he is anymore and whether I can trust him. Am I over-reacting?
Yes these are two questions :)
Thank you Healthy Relationships Community
Love to all of you
Matilda
The event in my life that prompted this topic discussion is my soon to be husband (or maybe not anymore cause I'm so disappointed) lying to me about having dinner with his ex. I know their relationship is only amicable now, so I'm not even worried about infidelity. I'm just so mad he would lie to me about it. Obviously he thought that would bother me that he dined en tte--tte with her, and I won't say it doesn't. But it bothers me a lot more that he lied to me about it, and that's a man whose main quality I admired was his honesty, I thought. And the way he lied makes it all look suspicious, even if I'm pretty sure nothing sexual or romantic is going on. Honesty is a condition in our relationship we had spoken of many times as it is very important to me. I have been deceived too often in the past.
I have already called off the wedding thing, luckily no set plans had been started, but I'm even thinking of kicking him to the curb even if what we had before was beautiful and he is a good man. I'm just not sure he's the man I thought he is anymore and whether I can trust him. Am I over-reacting?
Yes these are two questions :)
Thank you Healthy Relationships Community
Love to all of you
Matilda
I wasnt gona go this route but it seems that this is tearing you apart...
Before i hand you an end all be all soulution , if it will work depending on a couple factors , and i need to proclaim before i explain ...that u DO NOT do this. Anymore. Lol. I used this method one time and one time only and it ultimately led to me hooking my bf n his daughters mom back up so he could see his daughter (on cam she lives far away in canada).. but she told me a year later they actually "hooked up n did things on cam ) for 2 -3 months after i linked them back up....
Anyway...u said u dont know if you can ever trust him again. If you really believe u couldnt than its probably best to sever ties. If you really believe youll never love him as much as before , you should sever ties. Youre going to be disgusted with him...its natural.. in this moment ,youre feeling angry, hurt, betrayed , and see him as the enemy.
Will you ever not be disgusted lookiing at him.? Probably..in time..and if hes earned back your trust.
Its touch and go right now. I wouldnt make a big decision yet...
Now, if you want to know exactly what he is up...the real nitty gritty dirty or not details... idk if i should post this for all to see....might earn me a bad rep haha....
Send me a private message, idk if my profile is private or open....if its private, then go into your inbox, compose a new message and just manually type my id : freakchick3175 into the "to" field....and wah lah...
I have some questions about his computer...
What operating system does he use ? ( windows xp....windows 7... a mac? )....
And what email service does he use ? ( gmail, yahoo, ) blah blah..
let me know and if this method i have will work with his operating system ill tell u what you could do. And leave it up to you
"Otherwise, the truth undisclosed is not a lie in my opinion. If you don't ask, I won't volunteer information, if it gets in the way of us being loving toward each other and having a good time."
This is bombastic and highly inappropriate for a betrayed spouse to accept. This is the typical mindset and mantra of a CS: ask no questions and I'll tell you no lies; how treacherous!
This whole situation is very tough for you, I totally understand. This is what I see. You broke up and he had a connection with this person he was dating, but he loved you more and missed you, so you both made up. This is why I feel it is very hard to reconcile with someone after months or longer apart. They meet others and forge different lives than when the relationship you had with them originally was flowing unbroken. So getting back together means that if they made connections, they have to be completely willing to abandon them or you have to be cool with the new people. I am concerned that he ran away that time because you wanted too much. Stuff happens in relationships, I get that, but it seems like he still is not all in here..this new situation is what makes me think that.
He's lying because he wants to keep both..you and this connection to the other woman. He knows you disapprove, but he wants his cake and eat it too. There may not be anything sexual going on but it's his own private thing seeing as how you were not included in any of his plans. It might be an emotional affair.
Bottom line..he's lying and you have to decide whether or not you can be cool with not trusting him anymore. That's a hard road to walk, because paranoia sets in and it changes you, not in a good way..plus, it's a tough way to go into a marriage too.
You have to honor how YOU feel about this. I get that he has been stellar these last six years but sometimes we get a glimpse into someone by chance (finding her name on his calendar) and it's up to us to heed the warning. He may never do something like this again..but ultimately, it is whether you can live with the broken confidence you have in him.
Also, you said you need your alone time. A week I believe. Do you trust him in that week alone? And don't you think he'd be beating down your doors trying to patch this up?
Finally, your son. Did you mention his age? Can he understand you being honest to him? Maybe break it to him that this man will not be in your lives anymore (if you go that direction). A hard and painful childhood memory for him, but it might make it less confusing too. That's a tough call.
I feel for you. I am steadfast that he lied. Multiple times. You might think you're jumping the gun based on this one failure. But it's a BIG failure.
This happened like two weeks ago, I had asked for alone time then and he's been annoyingly here every night anyway. Now I made it so horrible for him by always coming back on this and calling him a liar which he gets very angry about that he finally agreed to give me a week alone to ''reflect''. It's starting to sound like he's the one leaving me because my reaction is too much for him to endure. No, I don't think he'll spend that week sleeping with girls and frankly, if that's what he wants to do, he could do it without my time alone and if I'd find out, it'd make my decision easier.
My son is 10. He saw his dad go, then the boyfriend I had after him for a bit and I know that left scars, I know that a third time of this would be bad. I don't want to stay with him only for my son either but I question how much I'm obliged to work things out, considering he's in a way, a dad to my child.
Also, call me naive, but I read all their texts and we were still best friends me and him when they were dating. I don't think they have sex now. This is about hiding stuff from me not cheating on me, although I feel it as a little treason.
they didn't live together, she actually took over his lease when he moved. That's kinda what got them closer unfortunately.
But I agree with most that this is not a little white lie. A white lie is saying you enjoyed the restaurant he picked when you really weren't a fan or agreeing that you liked a movie he was crazy over because you don't want to hurt his feelings. Those are little lies than do no harm in the long run and if discovered would do next to no damage. This has obviously been damaging and the way it was handled has only intensified that.
That is indeed a great question, and a great advice.
Sending a Christmas card a year would be appropriate, not going on a lunch date that you were never told about or invited to. Unfortunately most people want to give their significant other another chance or believe what they are told only to be heartbroken by the same actions 20 years later.
If I wanted to get down to the nitty gritty, I might put that app on my phone that shows a different number from the one you are calling from and send him a flirty text. See how innocent he responds or if he responds. He won't recognize your number so he can either take the bate or ignore it.
After 25 years of marriage I found out about another affair he had with a coworker. He denied it until the cows came home. The woman even admitted it to me and he still denied it. It was only after she sent me one of his texts that he wrote her. He was so upset that she actually told me. I sent it to right back to him and he had nothing to say. He acted mad at me.
After our divorce we became friendly again and I started to think maybe I was being too hard on him until a friend told me about this app. I used it saying I was some girl he had given his number to a while back. I kept telling him to guess who I was and used enough truths about him to know it was someone who knew him. He got real friendly with me and told me a whole crap load of stuff. It made me so sick that I never knew he had this in him.
I got rid of the app because I did not want to use it again. I think it was called Burned number or something along those lines.