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Do you believe petty lies are acceptable at all in a healthy relationship? Or should there be no lies at all, complete openness, complete honesty. I'm of the second opinion, but it seems like a utopia. It seems everyone lies unfortunately. What's your opinion?
The event in my life that prompted this topic discussion is my soon to be husband (or maybe not anymore cause I'm so disappointed) lying to me about having dinner with his ex. I know their relationship is only amicable now, so I'm not even worried about infidelity. I'm just so mad he would lie to me about it. Obviously he thought that would bother me that he dined en tte--tte with her, and I won't say it doesn't. But it bothers me a lot more that he lied to me about it, and that's a man whose main quality I admired was his honesty, I thought. And the way he lied makes it all look suspicious, even if I'm pretty sure nothing sexual or romantic is going on. Honesty is a condition in our relationship we had spoken of many times as it is very important to me. I have been deceived too often in the past.
I have already called off the wedding thing, luckily no set plans had been started, but I'm even thinking of kicking him to the curb even if what we had before was beautiful and he is a good man. I'm just not sure he's the man I thought he is anymore and whether I can trust him. Am I over-reacting?
Yes these are two questions :)
Thank you Healthy Relationships Community
Love to all of you
Matilda
The event in my life that prompted this topic discussion is my soon to be husband (or maybe not anymore cause I'm so disappointed) lying to me about having dinner with his ex. I know their relationship is only amicable now, so I'm not even worried about infidelity. I'm just so mad he would lie to me about it. Obviously he thought that would bother me that he dined en tte--tte with her, and I won't say it doesn't. But it bothers me a lot more that he lied to me about it, and that's a man whose main quality I admired was his honesty, I thought. And the way he lied makes it all look suspicious, even if I'm pretty sure nothing sexual or romantic is going on. Honesty is a condition in our relationship we had spoken of many times as it is very important to me. I have been deceived too often in the past.
I have already called off the wedding thing, luckily no set plans had been started, but I'm even thinking of kicking him to the curb even if what we had before was beautiful and he is a good man. I'm just not sure he's the man I thought he is anymore and whether I can trust him. Am I over-reacting?
Yes these are two questions :)
Thank you Healthy Relationships Community
Love to all of you
Matilda
My advice: Take a step back or out of the relationship. He should have known the first time you were the one, and now he's made you doubt him again. These are huge lies. He appears to be a master of deceit. It's not all coincidences.
it is nice to have a man's perspective here. I also don't believe in all this being coincidences, it's too much. In your opinion, as a guy, why does he do that? It's not for sex, so why?
Wishing you well.
But to answer, I can only think that he didn't tell you because he wanted to keep it secret. It points to wrong-doing. I can't see it any other way. Even if it's simply talking over food. It just feels wrong.
Otherwise, the truth undisclosed is not a lie in my opinion. If you don't ask, I won't volunteer information, if it gets in the way of us being loving toward each other and having a good time.
Did your husband LIE when you asked him if he had dinner with his ex, or merely NOT TELL YOU he had dinner with his ex?
I can see both sides of this situation, but I'd be more concerned about WHY they met and had dinner together. Was it just a business arrangement, to discuss final preparations for their divorce? Or does he still enjoy spending time with her and wants to continue to do so? If the former, OK, no problem. If the latter, exes are exes for a reason, and you're right to be hurt and concerned.
I think petty lies are o.k. if you're like lying about how the other one looks, or how the other one bothers you with a pet peeve or something... not lying that he had dinner with his ex. i don't think that's o.k.
he kept seeing her because he enjoys spending time with her obviously, but he's not even man enough to tell me this. He just says that he doesn't like to lose contact with people generally and that it didn't occur to him he should in this situation. I don't believe this because we had fights over his seeing her in the past. And we had this conversation, exactly on this subject where I said hiding this will be to me the same as lying, not mentioning it to me when you know it bothers me is the same as lying, and he totally agreed he said, of course, that's obvious he said. So why are we here?
Merely not said it you say.. I think that's many men's defense but it's the same. He hid his agenda from me cause her name was written in it, he hinted he was not seeing her, saying things like: oh, her, I haven't heard of her in ages, not mentioning he's seeing her soon. Fact is: he knew this bothered me, and he knew I wanted to know. He pretends now he didn't get it. But that's simply impossible.
There I said it.
As for him deleting texts/ emails/ facebook messages, yup super easy. Also, as you mentioned he may have the ex under a different contact name (a guy). He also may have a fake emails account you don't know about (I found out about my ex-h by accident, he left it open) Not trying to make you paranoid (not worth it). Again don't dig too deep.
As far as meeting the ex a couple weeks ago (when he cancelled going to a concert), yeah, that concerns me a lot. How did you find out, did you only find out, when you confronted him about the dinner date (asked him pointedly the last time he saw her)?
In regards to Koolman's comment, that lies by omission are not a big deal, it depends on the lie. I mean, not telling your partner how many loads of laundry you did that day (if he didn't ask), is not at all the same as how many sex partners you had that day (if he didn't ask). Kwim?
Also, I am wondering what is up with him meeting with his ex a couple weeks ago (cancelled on a concert). Did he tell you that (that same day), or did you not find out about it until confronting him about the dinner thing that was happeni in a couple days!
I also don't like that he dated this ex, between you breaking up (am I understanding that right?) an making up. I'd be super jealous, especially if he still continues to tak/ text. see her. I would not feel right about that either.
Hope this helps!
FWIW, yes, opposite sex relationships with the ex can be totally innocent (off the top of my head, I can remember *one*). Almost always, the guy friend/ ex wants more than I do (sex). while I want friendship and/ or a little flirting...
He never told me about seeing her briefly the night of the canceled concert. I found out only when he let me see their text messages during that fight about the dinner. That also went against his saying of not having seen her since the other fight we had about her. He says he didn't think of mentioning, it was only a few minutes, she had to give him mail he's got at her place.
About relationships with exes, I've never a true neutral one either. Again, I worry that my life experiences could taint my opinions.
I will ask you this--do you really want to play detective everyday, checking phone logs, Facebook, etc.
You have made it clear that you don't like his contact with his ex. If he truly respected you, he would end all contact with her. He has also lied on several occasions.
I think it's pretty clear that you need to boot him to the curb for good. Life's too short to have to deal with this kind of thing and you deserve better , and so does your son.
but in a previous posts you said, she was an ex, he was with her for 4 months (about a year and a half ago, you were together 6 years, split up somewhere in that-he got with her, he made up, I get that, no big deal).
A couple week ago he cancelled a concert/ met up with her to pick up his mail (which leads me to believe he lived with her too? four month relationship?). You did not find out about latest meetup 2 weeks ago (mail pickup), until he allowed you to check his phone/ texts, until after you made an issue about upcoming meetup posted on his calendar.
Sure, it could be innocent, but it is really worth the secrecy and lies (to you and your son)? Sure he may seem a nice guy, but so have most of the cheats I've been with (not saying that is what he is), were nice guys too (I'm not attracted to the bad boy type)...,so please be careful...