I'm going to side with you, I agree it was both wrong and hurtful what he did. I'd be hurt too, so you're not alone, nor do I feel you're overreacting. To me that's not a little white lie, it's a big one! In my opinion a little white lie is more like you tell your partner you like the dinner they made because you appreciate the gesture, but truthfully it wasn't your favorite...things that are pretty much harmless. Is there any reason why he would need to go out to dinner with an ex? Are they close friends? I just cannot understand why a man whose about to be married would have any reason to go out with an ex, it seems very inappropriate.

I think you're making the right choice, but I also believe you could at some point mend the relationship (but that's entirely up to you). It would be very important that he take the appropriate steps to amend, he hurt you and will have to work to gain that trust back. I'm so sincerely sorry you're having to go through this, I'm wishing you all the best in your future.

I don't think you're over reacting.

If he didn't think it was a big deal, he wouldn't have been afraid to tell you he was doing it.

I agree with mellow, A little white lie is saying "No, those pants don't make you look fat" or " I like your new hair cut"

I'm curious, How did you find out he went out to dinner with his ex?

@ ShastaSue
We sat in front of his computer because he wanted to show me his school project and as he switched it on, his agenda was open in a corner with her name on a date a few days until then. I was shaken but pretended not to see it as my son was beside us and I didn't know how to bring it up. I pretended to look behind me and saw him rushing to close the agenda. Then nothing about it. The following days, I tried to open the door for him to tell me, I said things like, ''if something you did in your life could bother me, you'd tell me, you wouldn't hide it not to hurt me?'' to which he replied of course, that'd be lying and it'd be more important that I tell you if it could bother you. I hinted to seeing another girl soon.. he said he has no clue who I'm talking about. Only when I mentioned her name and the agenda, he knew and said he cancelled that because he realized when I started hinting there that morning that it bothered me. He also says he didn't say it because he thought it was that unimportant, that it couldn't bother me, but we had fights over her before with big scenes and lots of tears. He said it was clear to him we had moved on from then, still you'd mention it no? And not pretend you don't have a clue what I'm talking about until I say her name and the date of your appointment. Fact is, I adored this man, I've known him for 6 years and always thought of him as a man of great morals and integrity and as a very honest person. I've started telling my son he can consider him as his dad. We both said we'd marry and grow old together. But this has shaken me so much. I want to leave. But I know it will hurt my son. (again). And I know I'm not getting with another guy ever so I'll finish this life alone because I don't want to trust anyone again. If that man would deceive me, every human would, clearly. I needed objective opinions. I know part of this is my trust issues.

And Mellowamethyst,
I also wonder why seeing her mattered enough to him to risk shattering what we have. It's just not true that he didn't know this would hurt me. As I said, I cried to him and gave him a scene about her before. He says she doesn't matter, he just didn't see why he should stop all relations to her, he generally likes to keep in touch with people. I've put these words in his mouth but it's generally true.

I should add they were texting and chatting regularly, speaking on the phone regularly, inviting each other out regularly. It wasn't this one dinner, they basically always stayed in touch. And not only I've not been told about it, he hinted to me that he wasn't seeing her, on purpose I think. There are too many signs for me to believe his version :(

I don't believe his story...and I agree with the others it's not a white lie, it's big one...

Hope I'm wrong, but I suspect back when they were texting/ chatting/ calling each other regularly, and you made a stink about it, they took took it (friendship or whatever it is) underground...

Do you have access to his phone records, to see how much they've been calling/ texting? Is it possibly he has another phone? I wouldn't dig too deep, but checking into something simple as this, may be all the information you need..

Also how long ago did they break up? Was their split, just before you guys started dating?

You did not over-react.
He kept something very important from you.
Especially since there has been a problem there before.
If they don't have kids together they have NO reason to stay in touch.
AND why weren't you invited to have dinner too?

Yea I don't like this one bit!

I agree with all the posters who are saying this was a biggie. It is always very painful to see trust betrayed, and yours has been. Especially since you've been down this trail of tears before! I also wonder if there is anyone we can totally trust. And ask yourself if you want to marry a man whose credo is "it's OK to keep in touch with everybody, even ex-es." The wedding ceremony talks about "forsaking all others". "Friendships" outside of marriage put the whole relationship in jeopardy.

I agree. One lie leads to another. If you were the important person to him, he would not need to tell you a lie. They only lie when they want to do what they want to do and they know it is not right.

I am sorry you are going through this. I know you mind is racing. You love him but now doubt him. Maybe go to some counseling. That could help sort things out for you.

Yep..agree that it was not a white lie. The term white in white lie essentially means innocent.
And i agree with ones question too why werent you invited....
Idk ages here but that is one thing to take into consideration *as far as how you handle it* ...
Another thing is how long they were together and how serious it was
And how long they have been seperated for
And if youve ever met her what type of person she is (Is she respectable...respectful toward you...or is she flirty and immoral?)
how do you feel as far as rebuilding trust in him? Do u think it is possible for you to trust him eventually or do you think youll always be paranoid looking in his phone and emails and stuff?
Is he planning on cutting her off now or still maintaining a friendship?

These are all things you need to consider.
If he is otherwise a good man...and youre in love with him and think eventually you can trust him again...then take that into consideration as well....
No one is perfect. We are all going to be let down by everyone in some way at some point. Our expectations of other people are too high and often unrealistic.
And good people in general are hard to come by.
If i loved the man and he was truly good (to the best of my knowledge) i would not let him go.
But i would make clear that the lies wont be tolerated and if it hapoened again you wouldnt be so forgiving.

good luck

@ MTZ3
He did allow me to look at his call log, texts, facebook messages, that's how I decided it's not sexual or romantic, therefore I may be overreacting. I'm not of those who believe in controlling the other in a relationship, I don't want him to tell me who I can or cannot see but the way he really seems to have hid this on purpose...which is the same as lying to me! And he knew my opinion on this too.
Speaking of his call log, the day I brought this up and he pretended he doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about for hours before admitting to having plans with her in 2 days, he told me he had called her in the afternoon to cancel that date. But there are no traces of this call in his phone's log. I find that odd, as if he didn't call her when he said (because he hoped to find a way to go?) or worse, that he'd have changed her contact info to a guy's name so I don't see what they do in his history. I'm becoming paranoid and all conspiracy theories are good :(

About their relationship. they were together only 4 months and that was about a year and a half ago. They seem to have been just friends for a while before he got back with me. ( Because we were together from 6 years ago, he left me because he felt I was moving too fast for him, wanting a house, etc. It's during that time he got with her. )

@ freakchick

great advices, thank you

I haven't met the woman, I would have loved to. I also find this suspicious that he would not invite me to?? Isn't that what everyone would do..
He does say he's cutting her off now, I don't know why that's worth since it should have been done before. He says let's not look at the past, let's move on from here, I'm cutting her off and I'll be careful, blah, blah, I simply can't explain to myself how this happened, I had warned him about her, I had warned him about hiding and lying, we had these conversations numerous times. So what does his word mean now.. He hadn't promise to cut her off before, he probably should have since it was always a sensible subject and he says shes not even a close friend and is of no importance to him, so why risking our relationship for someone you don't care about? That said, he HAD promised not to hide it if he saw her.

As to trusting him again, right now I really don't know :( everything he says seems to be another little lie that adds. That call not in her call log, one facebook message that could seem incriminating to him that disappeared and he says he didnt delete it. He didn't know I had already seen it. He also doesnt remember our talks about not hiding, our talks about her, they were numerous, and they were intense. And he's not a man who forgets much. He had also told me he hadn't seen her in 2 months, (since last fight), turns out he saw her a few weeks ago when he had canceled on a concert we were going to because he supposedly had too much work. Back then he told me, I finish late then I have dinner with that friend. Turns out he spent half an hour between these 2 events with her. To me, that's hiding. He says no, that was irrelevant hence why I didn't mention it.

I do appreciate that he's let me look into his phone, but I feel things were altered there. I also tell myself it's not like he lied to sleep with her... but I don't get it, I just can't.
It's true that my expectations of him were extremely high because he always seemed to have so much integrity. Now I wonder if all this was a mask for 6 years. I played the game, never hid one thing from him, he made the rules and didn't play along.
I don't know if I'll be able to trust him again, and I don't know if I can ever love him as much again. I adored this man 2 weeks ago and now...he disgusts me.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I get stuck on the part where you say,

"I'm not of those who believe in controlling the other in a relationship, I don't want him to tell me who I can or cannot see but the way he really seems to have hid this on purpose...which is the same as lying to me! And he knew my opinion on this too."

And when you say,
"Speaking of his call log, the day I brought this up and he pretended he doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about for hours before admitting to having plans with her in 2 days...", is common behaviour when one is caught lying, and is trying to keep it from you, most especially when talking infidelity, be it emotional or physical.

People lie for a reason, and that reason is usually because they are doing something they know will not meet with your approval.

I feel there is more to this than meets the eye, and until he is ready to divulge the real reason for keeping it from you, you may have trouble trusting him.

I wish you strength.

Thank you BetrayedinToronto,
That's exactly the problem, I really feel he's not telling me the real reason behind this. But he just won't, so where do I go from there. For now I told him I don't want to see him for a while and he agreed to not come see me for a week. If I was stronger, I'd have just kicked him out already. But that's too easy :( probably out of proportion, and it would break the heart of my kid who considers him like the dad he didn't have. I feel it would be unfair to my son if I didn't try to work it out with him. It also would be lazy of me. I can clearly see how he would make another woman very happy in a while and I'd still be alone cause if I'm not trusting the guy who looked like the most trustworthy person on Earth to me just days ago, I won't trust myself to trust anyone.