I could be any number of things, such as:

She is not attracted to men in general and since she is married, watching porn and masturbating is her only real option.


She may be sparing your feelings because you are bad at sex. Some guys have no real understanding of giving women sexual pleasure. Most men think that all they have to is lube up and shove it in there. Because they are having the time of their life, they assume the woman is as well, when nothing could be further from the truth. Roughly 25% of women orgasm consistently from penetrative sex alone. Get your head around that statistic. That means 75% of the women in the world need more just a penis to achieve an orgasm.

-Women find it incredibly difficult to have this conversation with the men they love because it is one of the most emasculating and hurtful conversations you can have with a man.

-Women also tend to think that if their husband's really cared for them, they would figure out this piece.

-If after 29 years of marriage, you have not figured out how to give her good sex, she's probably no longer even thinking it's possible.

-The thing is, some men have good intentions until they're in the moment, then they slip in old habits of putting themselves first. It's a very common problem for wives but no man ever thinks he's selfish this way, cause there are always a ton of good excuses to explain why it happen this time or that time. If you have ever turned over and left your wife hanging, this is you.

Google good sexual techniques and jump start your sex life.



It could be that she does not feel attractive anymore. If a woman does not think a man finds her physically attractive there is no way she's going to get naked with him.

-Take a look at your behavior.

-Do you stare at attractive women, make a big deal about attractive women that cross your path, give a free pass in life to women who are young and attractive, compare women against one another?

-Women can really tell when the person they're married to is more interested in younger, more attractive woman and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO WILL TURN YOUR WIFE OFF FASTER than being forced to watch the man they are married to fawn over physically attractive women.

-I'd divorce my husband in a heartbeat over that kind of behavior. Many women just have quiet simmering resentment and refuse to be the consolation prize their husbands use to get off on after a long day of admiring other women.

-The way they drive that point home is by blatantly taking care of their own needs, while refusing to take care of yours.

-The only thing that will fix this is literally falling in love with your wife all over again. It will take months or years of you focusing solely on her for her to even begin to get over a betrayal like that.


It could be that its just easier after a long hard day to take care her own sexual needs rather than negotiating sex with a partner who is difficult. Do you have unusual demands in the bedroom, quirks, kinks that she does not share? It gets tiresome for a woman to keep pretending to like something year after year that does not arouse her. She might just be selfish and have no concern for your needs, however few women are like that because we're raised to be supportive and nurturing.

It could be that she has a medical issue and penetrative sex is painful. Does she allow you to see her masturbate? If so that would give you insight into what the problem might be. If she's not penetrating, that might be the reason. It could also be that she does not need the penetration to orgasm. I believe that if it were this, she would just say it.

It could be that her body is changing and she does not know how to compensate for those changes. Try sex using super slippery lube. NOT regular lube. Use the super slippery stuff according to the directions. No joke it works like magic if this is the problem.


It could also be that you are thinking of sex as a physical sport and she's thinking of it a mental bonding activity. In order to get a woman interested in sex, these are things that need to happen:
1. She needs to be attracted to you and feel you are honestly attracted to her as a women.
2. She needs flirting and for her husband to be romantic. (Married 17 years and hubbie still brings me flowers and small gift for just no reason other than he loves me. He still flirts with me and points out my good characteristics to anyone who'll listen. I know by the way he acts that he thinks the world of me. That's what being is love is all about.)
3. She needs a transition from normal flirting to sex. This prelude to sex is when you become more handsy and play sexual games to get it her interested and thinking about sex.
4. She needs to have some reasonable expectation that engaging in sexual behavior with you will be pleasurable and result in an actual orgasm for HER as well as you.
5. If there is breakdown in any of the above, what's the real point in including you in her sex?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic

https://www.bustle.com/articles/78101-9-sex-hacks-for-better-orgasms-because-using-coconut-oil-as-lube-may-change-your-life

Why do you think she's lying to you? and if you have IT proof have you ever confronting this and discussed it with her?.......xo

@Gutted first off, I know how to treat a woman. In short, I am a VERY passionate man, I'm NOT a minute man. I have tried gifts, sending sexy text throughout the WEEK, and so on. I will massage her for HOURS on end. She has never had a problem with having an orgasm during sex, she does normally have to be on top to achieve, but not always. Patience is an understatement, I move like a turtle when necessary. I want go into details but I give her EVERYTHING and I always finish last or with her. Thanks for your advice though.

SunCloudJD yes I've confronted her. I have several times. I asked why is this on your phone? Her reply is always, why is that on my phone and such. But I KNOW without any doubt what's going on.

I also found a vibrator in her drawer, ( she asked me to grab her a shirt, no I wasn't snooping) I asked where this came from. She said she found it under our bed on my side. I said WTF?

I wasn't trying to be rude to you. I was honestly trying to help you. You seem really miffed by a total stranger talking openly with you on an anonymous web site. The part about not being a minute man does not really matter if you aren't hitting all the right notes. Most men think about sex in exactly the terms you just stated.

I spent a lot of time and effort to write a very nuts and bolts post that might help you break down the problem and analyze it. Instead of getting upset and dismissing it all out of hand, I would encourage you to stop being defensive and re-read my post. You are missing something. If everything were fine, you wouldn't be having the problem.

Considering your defensive attitude to me, a total stranger, I don't think you will be successful getting her talk about it with you. That means you will have keep trying different things. You'll probably know immediately when you fix the problem, cause she'll warm right up to you again.

Everything in this world happens for a reason. You're a smart man. Figure it out. You can do this!

I'm not being defensive, I sometimes come across as such, my apologies. I have never been good with words, never. Believe it or not I have tried many things that you pointed out already. I wasn't referring to myself as A " minute man" in that aspect, I meant that I take my time in trying to warm her up and set the mood. I can explain further if you wish.

Maybe she’s bored. All that you think you are giving to her may not be what she desires or needs. If my husband massaged me for hours, I’d probably tell him to get on with it. If she is starting to go through perimenopause or menopause, ain’t going to lie— for. some women, what used to work no longer does it. My sex drive, what I liked, my desires, totally changed in my late 40s. My husband for some reason thought extensive foreplay was the answer. It wasn’t.

She may be embarrassed to tell you what she wants or what she’s doing. I think you have to not make this about you and all you do for her and instead recognize whatever you are doing isn’t what she wants. So find out what she wants.

How often do you think she does this? I didn't even know women watched porn. If it's just once in a while, maybe it's not a big deal?

Can you snoop and figure out what kind of porn she's watching. That might give you a hint about what she wants in the bedroom. 11christmases is right, maybe her needs have changed over time and she got some kind of interest she's embarrassed to talk about. You know getting tied up or spanked kind of fantasies. The kind of stuff a woman might be reluctant to take to her nice husband about.

Would you both consider some therapy to work through what may be the problem with a professional.....

He/she may be able to give you some direction to improve what's broken down...

Having someone that you love turn away would be painful..... A relationship therapist may be a big help.... I think if both parties put in the work you can probably find your way back to one another.... Big hug......xo

It's good to know fellas don't corner the market on "roving eyes"!

I dunno, man, maybe you're smothering her. Hold back for awhile, don't let her be your entire world, have hobbies, sports, something to keep your mind off her. Reverse psychology: Let HER be the one to feel deprived and come to YOU!

I have tried many different things. I'm to the point where I really don't care anymore. One can only take so much. I think it's best to just take the backseat and ride it out. I'll just have to take care of myself just as she does. Thanks for all the input.

She may be masturbating and watching porn because her sex drive has bottomed out and she’s trying to find a way to feel sexual. I think taking a wait and see approach is ok except you will want to try to still be intimate in some capacity. Because if neither is making an effort to connect with each other, then so goes the marriage. I’m 52 and my husband is 51. We had to make many adjustments over the last 6 or 7 years because let’s be realistic, our bodies change, our hormones change.

Don’t quit caring. That’s not a the answer. Just try to meet in the middle somewhere. Talk to her. Not about sex per se but find more time to really be close in other ways and see if that bridges the gap.

Some really great advice and caring feedback on here for Dieing Indside. Also some great ideas for a wife struggling with lack of investment in the bed. ;-) It is not strange for the spark to fade; working on it here as well. Marriage is work. God bless all.

Dear Dieing Inside, Porn is an addiction so her denying it is not surprising really. :-( Perhaps you could suggest counseling or go to counseling yourself? Do you have a church you both attend? Work on the relationship outside of the bed <3 Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.