Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Issues with my wife

DieingInside
DieingInside

Hello, I'm new here and would like some advice, please. My wife of 29 years is my entire world. She means everything to me. I have asked up teen times for her to tell me what to do to make our sparks burn again. You see, she claims she has no sex drive. She does offer me sex, but that isn't what this is about. When I leave for work, she masturbates, often to porn. I am so confused. This has been going on for years. She always denies it though. She say she doesn't, but I know for a fact that she does. I've asked her what I can do to help, she then denies it once more. She has always preached about honesty and never lie to her, but she is lieing to me. I'm really hurting, I wish this nightmare would end. 

rmb
rmb
I think there’s more going on here in your marriage or with your wife that you are either not sharing or are not aware of yourself. I find it strange that you can present her with a dildo and porn on her phone and she can look you in the eye and just flat out deny it. Most people when presented with evidence eventually fess up. Something doesn’t add up here.
jojored
jojored
I don't get a sense for how you two connect on a general interpersonal, non-sexual level. Is there closeness? Hand holding? Do you do fun activities together? Do you share hobbies and interests? Do you take time out of the day to connect - even if it's just over a cup of coffee in the morning or how the cat/dog did that cute thing? Do you "see" each other, or just past by in the house?


You said you're not good with words - and it's clear that she isn't willing to open up and communicate about her sexual needs. Or any needs. There's too much indifference that's coming from her. Often times, women won't feel sexual with their partners if they don't feel emotionally close. A lack of emotional closeness certainly could explain why she isn't willing to talk about her sexual stuff.


I think you need couples counseling. Without it, the marriage is on track to decay and die (been there, done that). That's your tag name isn't it, dieinginside?


At issue seems to be more than sex here. It's your souls that are dying. If I were you, I would TELL her I've made an appointment with a therapist, and tell her that you can't go on living like this. It is ultimatum time. Tell her the address and time. Either go alone or go with her. You can't keep living in limbo, waiting for something to change.
DieingInside
DieingInside
We connect on all different levels. I love my wife dearly. I will hug her, hold her, rub her back, you name it, ive tried it. I have mentioned going to counseling and she refuses.
rmb
rmb
Hugging her is physical, rubbing her back is physical, holding her is physical. How do you connect outside the physical with each other? Do you believe you are emotionally connected with each other?
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
If their is a porn dependency she may be feeling a sense of shame? possibly?
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