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Ok I get that this is a very common topic but my situation may be slightly different than the usual "hes just a lazy drunk oaf" sort of situation. Long post sorry!
I'll start with a brief history of myself and my husband- we are very young (mid 20's) and have been married for almost 5 years. We have a 4 1/2 year old daughter. We have our hiccups and arguments but its never been something major (we can usually resolve it after a short time- it's about petty things like who's turn it was to clean the bathroom.). I work full time as a registered nurse on night duty and my husband studies at home online while working 1-2 days per week at a retail job (GameStop). My in laws look after our daughter while I'm working/sleeping during the week and we get her on the weekends.
Husband meets a guy about 6 months ago and introduces me to him and his girlfriend. I'm not an overly social person but I usually get along with his friends he had over every once in awhile. I thought this would be the same.
But it wasn't, my husband started to invite these people over for sometimes 3 or 4 days in a row. It was tedious for me at times, but I was okayish (they messed up our Christmas because instead of last minute food shopping after work on Christmas eve we had to rush out to the city to buy a game to get drunk over and play... which I protested but was voted odd out- we ended up going hungry on Christmas day, thankfully we had a special Christmas on the weekend when I wasn't working but it was still annoying..)
The couple would act like children in my house. Throwing each other at walls and groping or throwing food at each other. It was a bit disrespectful but I just asked my husband in private to politely ask them to tone down the rough behaviour.
Two months pass and the friend and his girlfriend break up. This is when things started to go bad, because the guy would show up at my house with my husband unannounced. My husband would take him out drinking until 5am etc but I let it slide because I knew he just needed support from a friend after the breakup... the only thing I did do was slap my husband on the wrist for not keeping me updated that he would be out so late. This drinking and staying out thing didn't last, so it was whatever.
But what did end up happening progressively was the friend would be at my place sometimes 5 days or more a week, staying late and giving me very little time to enjoy the solace of my home before I would have to go to work. Not only this, but the more I got to know him, the more our personalities just did not click. I am American living here I Australia, and he would constantly say really venomous thigs about Americans- that we are rotten people and insanely stupid etc. He would argue with me at the drop of a dime about something and disagree with many things I might say.
He would maybe be around when my husband and I would argue over something, which happened fairly occasionally (work and what was happening at home was stressing me out, If my husband didn't clean up the house or something by the time I'd get home after a long day I'd get cranky) and seeing this, the friend felt entitled to start treating me badly in my own house- calling me stupid or making sarcastic remarks about me. It was deliberate and making me extremely uncomfortable. I know this because when I asked my husband why he was being rude, he said "because you treat me badly." (I'm actually very nice to my husband most of the time... our bickering at each other is well shared)
Time passes and hes still coming over almost daily. Other things start happening like he starts doing laundry at my house weekly, (my husband said he would pay 10$, but 1. At times he did not and 2. I don't care I don't want him doing that). My husband would spend 3 hours at the gym with him and then the entire afternoon and into the late night with him at our house. The only time we might get any shred of privacy would be (thank God) when my daughter is with us. Even then though there would be times he would just show up unannounced.
Things would keep happening in my house with him there such as he would criticizes my lifestyle, indirectly tell me I'm fat and lazy (mind you, this friend has no other job than the 1-2 day retail job my husband has- they both work max 2 days a week!), make remarks to my husband asking why I'm not the one doing such and such cleaning task if my husband says he's cleaning something (when I am the one actually always doing it.. I clean up more often and than my husband ever has), and he would even say bad things about me to my husband, that he should not have to 'put up' with me.
This last month I had enough. A two week span went by that my husband would cancel plans with me but spend most of his time with this friend, before going on a 4 day holiday to visit some of his friends in another state for his birthday. I was depressed and feeling completely alienated.
He talked to the friend about being nicer to me, but he would still offend me (maybe unintentionally, but I had enough at this point it was horribly stressing me out)
I put my foot down 2 weeks ago and told my husband that I did not want to see the friend anymore. He made me uneasy and I couldn't continue to pretend to like him or be nice. I didn't say he had to stop being his friend, quite the opposite I said I didn't want to take away any friendship from him but I just did not want anything to do with the guy anymore. They could still be friends but just that he was banned from my house. They are welcome to continue what they do at his house or elsewhere.
My husband got upset at first but agreed after a time... temporarily. Last week he invited him over for 3 hours. I allowed it, but I stayed away from the situation completey and did not come out of my bedroom.
This week it happens again, and at first I protested him coming over,. But my husband guilted me- so I said fine, just have him gone before I go to work. They had 3 hours, and then I text my husband to take him home because I want to get ready for work- it was getting late...
Instead of honouring the agreement, the friend barges into my private bedroom where I was and starts to try to rationalise with me- I said "please I don't want to talk. Just leave," but he still goes at it, saying "I don't treat you different than anyone else " and "why should I drop what I'm doing and leave just because you are going to work" etc. I tell him with honesty that I don't get along with him and he makes me uneasy. He tells me "I think you are a terrible person and I can't stand looking at you but I put up with it for your husband." He throws in belittling comments about my personal life, asking why I need my husband to take me to work (a 5 Min drive from our house- I only ask him to bring me bc my shift starts at night... ironically as well, this friend has no car of his own and bums rides off my husband literally daily for almost everywhere he goes).. I get fed up and we escalated, I said to him "leave or I will call the police" and then he starts telling me in delusional and that he hates me. I said ok fine please don't come back.
My husband sided with his friend, saying it was unfair for me to kick him out and they left the house together, my husband saying 'im done im just done with this' and the friend adds 'this will be the smartest thing he ever does' and 'you wont ever find someone to put up with you like he has'
I understand he was trying to talk it out with me, but even the way he went about that was really insulting.. it was as if all he wanted to do was tell me I was wrong rather than actually come to some sort of mutual agreement.
So here I am at a crossroad. All I ever asked in this situation was for my husband not to bring him to the house when I'm around anymore.. but this happened. I don't know if I am wrong or not but I do know that I would become physically sick when this person was around and I couldn't take it anymore. I begged my husband to sit with me and talk about it but every time he would avoid the conversation and say "stop blaming him for our problems."
But I really do feel like he is the problem. I don't know if im right or not or if I am being unfair... I love my husband and I don't want to lose him but this is getting way out of hand for me. I really don't know what to do... it's really taking over my life right now..
Thank you.. for listening to my story
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
I don't think you really see yet how screwed up your spouse is. Seriously, if he feels there's problems in your marriage, he needs to talk to you about them, not act like a teenage punk.
Like Gebaird said, take control, start laying down what you expect, etc. You and your child need a husband and father, not Beevis and Butthead.
I'll be honest, if it was me, I would make it very clear that his friend is NEVER allowed in my home again, and stick to it. It's up to you to establish boundaries and it is extremely important for you to enforce them. If my husband continued to bring this friend over I would leave every single time. It actually sort of happened to me but in a bit of a different scenario. Still, I told my SO, that since he wouldn't stop bringing his friend over I was going to stay at my moms because it was too much stress for me coming home (from a 2 hour commute) to find him and his friend there or my SO gone with him. Things changed from there.
It's up to you to put your foot down and if he decided this friend is more important to him than your relationship, than all you can do is hold your head up high, remember your worth, and begin healing from the inside out.
I think it's true, my husband doesn't respect me... and that seems very much so to be the main problem. Sometimes during fights or even when I'm annoyed at watching him be lazy I may say something scornful like "I work full-time and I feel like you need to contribute more/do more housework" or "I think you can find a better job while studying you seem to have a lot of free time"- these sound like sensible arguments but he says I trigger him with my "passive-aggressive" ways of talking. It could be quite possible that the lack of respect is my fault, but I don't know how I can repair this if he doesn't want to even sit and talk with me about it.
However, your husband has allowed it (allowing anyone,let alone some new buddy, to insult your wife is shitty). That makes him equally as guilty if not more so.
It is up to you to decide how you will ands will not be treated. I'm guessing that your husband might be a bit of an entitled brat himself. Being so young with big responsibilities can be tough and requires people to put on their big people pants and grow up.
You've clearly done that but your husband seems a bit behind in that.
Figure out what boundaries are important and stick to them. You might want to try some couples counseling to have an objective mediator to guide you both.
If I were to label anything toxic, it would be the friendship, not necessarily the friend. While he's an ass, it's your husband that's allowed him into your home and eventually your marriage.
From what I'm reading, you have every right to be upset.
Oh. And the friend is actually older than both of us. He is 30 years old. It's... kindof sad really.. but I digress.
I don't want to ask him to make a choice I dont want to take away something he values but I simply wish he would just tone it down a notch... and keep me away from it.
I tried to give the guy a fair go and I tried to like him, my husband 4 months into the friendship would jokingly say "I get it you hate him", I think maybe subconsciously I was dropping hints but I would always say to my husband "no I don't hate him, I respect that he is your friend" (although there would be times in would express distaste in his behaviour- perhaps that might have put emotional strain on my husband as well).
I know there are things I need to improve on too, but even that night the friend came into my room, prior to that my husband kept trying to get me to come out and be around him. I think he was trying really hard to have us get along but in some cases it just won't happen. This was definitely one of those cases.
It's never going to be toned down because it seems they feed off each other. Truly you may need to be the "bad guy" here and lay down the law.
My husband is not perfect, and neither am I, but I can't even in my wildest dreams imagine he'd ever let a friend talk to me the way this guy talked to you. Or, treat our home like that. This is so wrong on so many levels. I know you're trying to be a good wife and not tell him what to do,but this is too much. It makes me really sad for you.
Your husband has essentially asked a third party to join your marriage. That's not a normal thing to do. Just sunds like he's really immature. I th8nk
This is most likely where the breakdown is. He agreed to sit and talk with me today, he gave me a hug and said once he comes back from his errand we will sit and talk.
I really want to address a lot of the things everyone has mentioned here but I don't want to do it in a blaming way. I want to reconnect and communicate with him, I want him to feel like I'm the one he needs to talk to about his problems and not bottle them away or indulge a 3rd party. I just want him to see where I'm coming from, I'm afraid though if I make one wrong comment though, it will ruin this chance. I still am struggling to forgive what happened to me the other night- I was being treated like Iike a caged dog being poked with a stick and I blew up and behaved in a way very unnatural to me during that confrontation.
How can I start this conversation without sounding condescending...? Should I show him the post I made here at this website..? Or should I ask him first why he feels like he cant talk to me when things get sticky between us?
He is immature in many ways (I can be too I'm not perfect) but I really want to try in taking steps to help us both grow and move forward. I want him to trust me and turn to me whenever there is an issue going on. I absolutely need to set boundaries and re establish what I want from our relationship, but I dont want to be forceful or bitter-sounding.. I really have no idea how I'm going to start this conversation.
I would think about the times where he's been most relaxed and most open to discussion in the past, and use that to set the tone for approaching him. I know with my husband, there's no talking to him when he's upset or mad. I have to approach him when he's in a good place, where he seems like he's not under stress or preoccupied with something. And usually, I find our best conversations about our life together or about something going on that's causing issues, tend to be when we are outside of the house, sort of in neutral territory, like over dinner. That's kind of an equalizer in a way, for us anyway.
I think when you talk to him, you have to tell him how you feel, but you have to say it calmly and come from a place of not blaming or pointing fingers, but stick to what you want for yourself and your marriage and stick to the facts, so instead of saying his friend is an a-hole for instance (and HE IS), say something like when so and so did such and such, I felt attacked or disrespected. I also think sometimes turning the tables a bit can help people see things clearer, like if you said, how would you react if I let a friend talk to you that way, calling you names, taking over the house, etc. Don't say it mean, but just ask him how it would affect him. I mean, if he can't put that together, then I don't know if anything you can say will help him get his head on straight. I think marriage counseling could really help you both, it would give you some support and it would help him better express himself.
These are just some of my thoughts. I don't know if they're right or wrong. I think so much about how we resolve stuff with our partners is how we approach them. I try to be a leader in my relationship when it comes to resolving issues. It's not easy and I fail all the time, but I do try because I find when I do, my husband responds in kind so that we end up both leading together, with the same purpose, to make our life happy, to make our home happy, to make us unified and strong.
Don't let how he may react prevent you from talking to him. He's your husband. You're his wife., You're both parents. You have to be able to have the tough conversations. All you can do is just approach him with your best self in the forefront. So just think about how you want to do that. Then it's up to him if he wants to try to get over the fact that it triggers him or feels negative. This whole "trigger" usage is overused. There are people truly triggered due to trauma, but I think some people use this word as means to shut others down because they don't want to deal with conflict. It's hard to be an adult. It just is. But if he's adult enough to take marriage vows and create a life, he's surely adult enough to deal with reality.
I don't see the point in having to tip-toe around your husband, gather all the right words, say them so they come out sounding like a lullaby, or anything of that sort. He needs to hear it the way it needs to be said. Furthermore, if he cannot discuss difficult topics with you to the point where you feel you need to sprinkle ferry dust around your words, you'll be doing that for the rest of your life. By bringing this guy into your life, your husband is shitting on you, and you're trying to find a way of eating it.
This loser has crossed the line, on numerous occasions. He's poisoned your H against you, and if your husband is backing him up, you've already lost the battle, and there's nothing more to do other than give him notice. To say he's a bad influence on your husband, is an understatement, and I have a hard time believing the, "at the gym for three hours," or "out drinking till 5 a.m. for support," excuse. I wouldn't doubt if they are up to stuff, and I don't think you'd approve of any of it.