I understand how you are feeling. I too always did give and do for my husband ,(stbx) thinking that when two people care about each other they want to do for each other. Unfortunately I kept on doing and giving while he continued to want and expect more but giving very minimal back. We have been married for 17 years , but the last 12 have been with very little communication, no physical touch or any kind of help with anything. I am working full time and come home to do everything while he is here all day doing virtually nothing but playing on the computer and on talk radio.

I finally reached a point where I have had enough. I realized I too have needs and not one of them is being met. He does not want things to change since he has all he wants-- a cook, maid and nurse-- not a wife.

As far as her seeming annoyed or making you feel you've let her down-- I would say I have also struggled with depression and with my stbx that short temper is often fueled by anger and resentment building up with him taking advantage of me ( but also at myself for allowing it to happen) I think maybe it is her own unhappiness and you not able to secure that "magic wand" to fix it all for her. Also the holidays are a BIG trigger for many to grow even more depressed as they never had (or feel like they do have) that perfect family and life,

For her I do wish she could see just what she does have--- someone special who does love her and all of your kids. You are a very special man to stick by her and continue to do what you can and support her. Ultimately though, I think she would do better with some counseling and other support to help her work through things. Also, when the kids seem to ignore you too-- they could just be doing as she does and taking a page out of her playbook-- or worse, they can also be affected by depression.

Any kind of dysfunction whether it is from an addiction, abuse or severe bouts of depression does have a big impact on the whole family ( and sometimes family counseling may help. ) How old are the kids?

My thoughts and prayers are with you and please know that you deserve better than this . You sound like a very warm caring man. I believe they are all very lucky to have you. But in my perfect world you should nit have to shoulder this all alone. Hugs, Kim

Thank you vey much for your kind words. its been really tough through the years. ups and downs, i try with all i have to make everyone happy, sacrifice everything for that to happen. The kids are 15, twins are 12 and then our youngest is 5. i've been with the older 3 for over 8 years. they live with us 95% of the time, only see there dad about 5% of the time.

thank you again...

Hello Charles. Welcome to DS. Sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

4 kids sure do complicate the romance equation. Without them, I'd be wondering why you haven't already headed for the hills.

I don't have any easy answers for you but I am glad you have reached out for emotional support while you sort through the mess. Emotional support can make all the diff. I hope you find plenty of that here.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you Arfie, its good just to hear from people and get some perspective

Big hug for you Charles...…. I think you should be sharing this with her.... It isn't okay and you wrote doormat and those were my thoughts... Not to be unkind but sometimes I think we need to stand up and be heard

Her behaviour isn't okay and she's modeling it for the children.... I would use your voice even if it's through a letter... She's being disrespectful and it seems she expects you to suck it up... Not okay

I think that we do tell people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves and tolerating abuse isn't okay IMHO.... You deserve better

Big hug.....xo

Thank you , all this really means a lot

Sun Cloud brings up a very valid point-- we allow people to treat us as we do treat ourselves. I came from a dysfunctional family and I too was always the one to try to make everyone else happy-- still do . The problem is there are some who will not help themselves -- just keep taking and draining until YOU have nothing left to give.

Sometime back someone shared with me it is like we all do have a cup and it needs to be refilled with love and care for us to continue plugging on. Mine was completely empty and I felt there was nowhere to go. Have you mentioned counseling to her-- for herself or both or all of you? Just curious because I think you could also use someone to talk to.

May it help to know there are many others here who do also care and will gladly lend an ear, Hang in there,

PS Basically 3 teeny boppers and her just hanging on--- God bless you (and your little guy.) :)

You sound like a really great person and I'm sorry you're going through this but it's good that you see how dysfunctional it is.

I understand the challenges of having depression and anxiety, but it doesn't remove her responsibility to address it, get help for it, and then manage it. That is completely on her to take care of. You can of course support her in getting help but it really is something she has to own.

I agree with SunCloud to tell her how this is affecting yoy, but not when she's acting out or going off her nut. She won't hear it. I'd do it when she's calm, she seems in a reasonable place and the kids aren't around so she's not distracted by them. I think sometimes we tend to tip toe around people to make sure they don't get upset. I'd say if she gets upset when you talk to her, then so be it. She may give you the silent treatment. That's ok too. Let her. It won't last forever. The silent treatment is a tactic to get you to reengage. Don't do it. It's like a child that throws a fit. Eventually they run out of gas. Just stay calm and tell her that when she's ready to discuss again, you'll be there. Until then, go about your business.

You've both learned really unhealthy ways of interacting as a couple over 8 years. So to undo that takes time, practice and commitment from both of you. It's ok for you to say, this has got to change, that it's not normal, and then YOU be the leader in starting to change it, by no longer being a doormat, by only engaging with her if she treats you with respect, etc. Keep reinforcing that. If you keep taking it, that tells the world, your kids, and yourself that you deserve it. You don't. You can be a nice guy but also have some boundaries.

Thank you all, its really helped me a lot today. thank you.

Hello all, I read over what you all said again. and i wanted to say that in the past i have shared my feelings with her and even a couple days ago. It doesn't seem to change anything, i never really feel like she cares. somehow our conversation turns into why i'm the one who is wrong and what a horrible person i am for saying anything. I don't know. its hard. i just really want mental peace so i can be the best i can be for my kids.

My stbx is the same way. Truthfully I think it is usually the case where the one with the problem refuses to hear or face it. So when we try to explain how WE feel, they are quick to turn it around on us. He gets defensive and says I am attacking him when I am very careful to just relay my feelings for a change. As a result I wind up walking on eggshells most of the time.

I am curious--has she ever tried counseling or therapy? Also is she on meds (and taking them as she is supposed to?) I have to wonder too-- with the kids being teens (and not only witnessing her behavior, but possibly inheriting some of these traits) Have you noticed them having problems too?

I know it is hard, but I truly believe you need to take more concern and care about YOU. It is not your job to make things smoother or easier for her while she takes advantage. Could you talk with a counselor or therapist? Or maybe a pastor at a nearby church ?

If you can try to begin to just worry about what you need to do for you and the kids. Let her take on a bit of responsibility for herself. If she is in a funk, invite her to do something with you and the kids-- if she doesn't want to-- let her sulk and do what you and the kids did plan. Don't let her mood affect you and the kids. If you do simply tell her (which it sounds like you already have) that you worry about her but until she is ready to seek help, there is nothing more you can do. You have done what you can.
You should be able to look forward to your days and time with your kids, not dread them.

Hang in there.

Charles that's what I mean by you leading. You talked to her. You said what you feel in your heart. You made your concerns known. And now that you've done that, you have to be the one to really say it's enough and mean it. Otherwise, nothing changes. That may mean having to express that if it doesn't change, you will need to move on. Only say that if it's something you are willing to do. Otherwise, it's empty. But I guess that's the point that nothing changes really,until you change. And what you have to change is stop taking it. Make sense?

Thank you all for taking time to give me advice. I think it means a lot that you all say close to the same things. I really appreciate it and makes me feel like what i'm feeling isn't wrong. thank you all again.

She has tried counseling but its nothing consistant, she was on medicine and it seems better at times. The oldest, 15 def has anxienty and depression issues. we have been having a lot of issues with her and when i talk with my mother in law about it she tells me my fiance' had very similar issues.

Its so draining, i don't feel like i deserve this and its not fair. happens every holiday and i can't ever seem to enjoy them. i start out happy and then just getting through the day. sad part is i used to be always happy, always the fun one, i never worried or felt bad and i was very cofident. this has suck my cofidence and happy right out of me. i thank you all again for your help and time.

Your kids see and hear what's going on Charles.... Her taking out her depression or anxiety on others isn't okay

It's a lot of BS if this is the excuse she uses in order to be abusive.... You tolerating it isn't okay either....

Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship??… Do you want to be doing this 5 years from now??… You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.... We all do.... Big hug....xo