Healthy Relationships Support Group

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How to you get from dating to a relationship?

I have been single for 11 years now. Its lonely. I have dated many guys, but its never progressed into a relationship. As the common denominator, I believe I must be doing something wrong, but I am so confused. I have been 'ghosted' so many times, I should be used to it by now, but it just seems to hurt more and more everytime it happens. For example, I met this guy a month ago. Things were going great and I really like him. He had asked me to meet his parents and last weekend I met about 30 of his friends, but I haven't heard from him since. I mean, barely. I texted him a couple of times and he called and left me a message to the effect of "hey, I've been working night and day, I'm not sure if you're working but if you get a break give me a call, I'd love to hear from ya". So I called back the next day, and he sent me to voicemail after the 1st ring. And I haven't heard back. So based on experience, I am being ghosted. I just don't know what I did and it really bothers me. I feel like I haven't been given enough of a chance. I am critically analiyzing all of my actions. Was it because I occasionally teased him? Was it because I was too shy and quiet when I was put in a room of 30 strangers, all of which he knew but I didn't? Its weird because he was affectionate towards me the whole time.. His friend even told me a story about him telling her he liked me. But at the end of that day, he didn't talk about when we'd see eachother next and he didn't tell me to text him when I got home, which he usually did. I know I am overthinking it... but at the same time, I desperately want to know where I am going wrong because this seems to be a painful trend for me. Did his friends not like me? Did he figure out that I have low self esteem when I chuckled at his compliment? Ugg. Please help!! Can anyone tell me what I am doing wrong??

Replies

soulsearcher83
soulsearcher83

Because he's a tool. That's why he hasn't risen responding. He invites you to meet his parents within a month of seeing each other? And suddenly you're at a party with a group of his friends instead? He calls you and doesn't return your call ? This guy is not that interested in you, otherwise he be right on you

I've been through this a thousand times . Met some guy recently that I thought was really into me and I was in to him. It was progressing nicely and he kissed me on the cheek for the first few dates and progressed to kissing me on my lips on his own. And then the mood started to shift a little bit but it was already shifting before I brought something up. I merely mentioned the idea of us making out next time I see him and he totally hit the brakes in that conversation. He said he's taking it very very slowly because he never did in the past and he regrets it . In my mind I thought, dude it's kissing, not a marriage proposal. After that he didn't make an effort to make any new dates and even I had to plan the last two before this conversation. He has texted me maybe twice since then. He has a full plate and has his kids every weekend. So we could never make any weekend dates until after their bedtime . Wednesday's were up because the kids and his mother were there for dinner tonight so basically it was Monday Tuesday Thursday and Friday evenings. The weird thing was he took PTO from his job in order to go out on a date with me during the day. That's a sign that he seemed pretty interested in me if he's doing that. And yet he fell off the radar anyway.

There's no excuse especially if you act like you're into a girl and then you disappear. So I think what happened to you was this guy was testing you out, playing with you, and wanted your attention and affection and wanted to make sure that he made you feeling left hanging on purpose so you would want him more. In other words, again, he's a tool. Best to move on. After being single for 11 years, not sure what I can tell you on that one because I don't know you enough . My relationships are usually short, no more than six months, that's for many reasons. I started out with an interesting, intelligent and funny guy and end up with a guy that I find quite annoying and either is a severe mamas boy mama's boy or has a drinking problem. The last one ended up insulting my looks and exhibiting a drinking problem. Even though the insult was unintentional, it happened twice . I tried to forgive it but I couldn't let it go. Another guy that I dated, what are my longest relationships, was extremely dependent on his parents financially and emotionally. And he was nearing 40. He has no disability , but he refused to move out of his house or work and he lives off of his inheritance that his parents gave him while he was still living there and while they were still alive. And he lied about having a job. He said he did promotions for filmmakers and film festivals. When in reality, he wrote a review for his friend's movie on IMDb. That's it. We were going to go to his room and then his mother stopped us and said "oh wait I haven't cleaned in there yet." That was a quick end that relationship . I gave him another chancier later and for Valentine's Day he gave me something that he could've probably bought at the dollar store and refuse to pick me up from school when I was very sick, even though he was the one that drove me there and promised to pick me up. He had every excuse in the book not to turn around and pick me up. I have no gas, I'm tired, I don't have money for gas etc. I had to call my father for a ride because my boyfriend refuse to pick me up even though he said he would .

Are you the common dominator? yes. Are you the reason that all guys who are potential suitors are not chasing you ? Now in my humble opinion there are plenty of fish in the sea but the water is polluted. Be patient, put yourself in social situations where you are bound to meet nice guys, going to meet ups and community events and volunteering with things such as Habitat for Humanity where they painted and build homes for low income families. These are opportunities to meet some nice guys . Don't let this one guy or any of the previous ones get you down. They are just not worth it. There are still good ones out there but hard-to-find. Keep trekking. You'll find one. Just make sure you're putting yourself in the place or places where you're visible and where there are guys who have your shared interests . Don't overthink it. Honestly, I really think this guy was just another tool.
jimthzz
jimthzz

How long has it been since you havent heard from him?

days/weeks/months?

there can be a simple, non-awful reason. Worth one last phone call.
openheart
openheart

After we first met, he waited 3 days to call me. Apparently that was a rule he had, despite telling me on the day we met that he would call me the next day. After that initial call, he would text me daily, and we would continue a conversation throughout. We had a couple of great dates and this conversation kept going, however there would be more distance between replies. He went away for the weekend and didn't message me, which I didn't mind as I knew he was busy. Prior to that he had asked me to meet his parents the following week, but when he returned he had to go out of town for work and then I had to work evenings. Meeting his parents was never brought up again. However, he did invite me to meet his friends the next weekend (the one after he went away). I was the one who messaged him on the Saturday to ask if we were still on, and despite seeing him on Saturday night (where I met a couple of his friends), I was the one who messaged him on Sunday asking about plan details. After meeting his friends on Sunday and parting ways with him I texted him when I got home and thanked him for a nice time and told him his friends were lovely. I didn't hear back. So on the Wednesday I sent him a racy text to say he was in my dreams the night before expecting a curious reply. But no reply. So I texted him on the Thursday saying, haven't heard from you in a while, I hope you are doing ok. He called late Thursday night and left the message of "working day and night, give me a call on your break, I'd love to hear from ya" (on the previous sunday, he did mention that he had been getting calls all morning about work). I called back the Friday night and he sent it straight to voicemail after the first ring. My message said that I had been working and didn't get a break, but call me when you can. It is sunday and I have not received a response.
So initially, I assumed he was busy with work. I knew he was playing poker with his friends on Wednesday, and in the past he usually texts or called me prior to that. But its been a week since I've actually talked in a back and forth manner with him. I don't think its because he is busy anymore. My work week has been crammed as well, but I reached out and made an effort. I don't think there is any excuse for this now. I think he has changed his mind about me.
So
jimthzz
jimthzz

He could be off hiking out of phone signal. Too soon to presume ghosting.
AgentSmith
AgentSmith

If someone has a "rule" about not calling someone they're interested in for 3 days, red flag. If someone says they're going to call and doesn't, red flag. If someone is playing hot and cold games, red flag.

Realize that as we get older, the dating pool gets cloudier and cloudier. It is increasingly difficult to find a "normal" person. Don't assume it's your fault.
openheart
openheart

Thank you everyone, I appreciate your insight. I am not one to play games, but I am learning that this may be the only way to get ahead in the dating world. Although I do not anticipate a reply from him, I am thinking that if I do get one I have thought of telling him one of the following:
a. Not talking to me is unacceptable and I have therefore lost interest.
b. I have met someone else and have a date planned.
c. Finding out what is going on with him or wrong?

My friends told me that in the beginning of their relationships, they pretended they were dating someone else and it seemed to work for them. I think this may be the best way to win his interest back, however I am a terrible liar, and I worry that may backfire. What I really want to do is tell him that I am not interested in games and either he likes me or doesn't, but that I deserve the respect of being told when he has lost interest. But I also worry that because that isn't a game, it won't work. I just don't know what to do. I believe that I am an honest and straightforward person and I have faith that there are others like me out there...
JeanaRose
JeanaRose

Women agonize way too often and way too much over any man they think is potential relationship material. Once we emotionally grow up (has nothing to do with physical age) we realize that a man who wants us will be drawn to us and we don't have to go through all this. There is no reason to mentally & emotionally chase a man all over hell's half acre. The one that wants you, shows up on your doorstep. All the ones who don't, fall away like autumn leaves.
AgentSmith
AgentSmith

By lying and telling him you're seeing someone, you are playing games. The idea is to avoid those who play games, not to play along. There's no reason to get him back interested in you. He has issues if he's behaving this way. Take it from me, I've spent many years psychoanalyzing men who behave like this. I've studied psychology for over 10 years. I've been able to accurately figure out a diagnosis for their behavior (later confirmed by psychologists/psychiatrists). In the end, it was a giant waste of my time. They are simply not worth it. Now my goal is just to figure out as soon as possible if they are healthy enough for a relationship, if not, to move on quickly and not waste any time thinking about it. There are so many screwed up people out there. You can't waste your life trying to figure out every single one of them and trying to figure out ways to get to them. Find someone healthy.
openheart
openheart

AgentSmith, how do you figure out quickly whether they are healthy or not?
rmb
rmb

What did people do before texting? They got busy with their lives and didn't feel the need to be in constant communication. Stop reaching out by texting. Just stop. It's not a good way to communicate when you're dating someone, unless it's to say, I'm running late, or to confirm plans. Otherwise, this whole not getting a text, getting a text... meh.

I would just not contact him any longer period, and then if he reaches out, great. If not, then you know this is not a relationship that is going to go anywhere. If he reaches out to you by text only, I'd tell him if he wants to contact you, to call you.
september2014
september2014

The truth is, you set the rules for your own self and your own standards and then you work around those. If someone is doing something that makes you feel crappy or like you aren't worth their time, just drop them. I know you're interested in this person and that makes it hard, but it's really the best thing. It's empowering to stand to up for yourself. And if you hold your ground, you'll start to make a habit out of looking out for yourself FIRST. It's okay to like someone and care about them, but not at your own expense.
Aronia
Aronia

Idk if it will help you or not, but the other day I decided to send my bf a video message and I recorded myself talking and then I reviewed it and never sent it to him. I realized that I am SO intense. Not many people can handle that.
I rarely get rejected but I can see why my relationships go sour. I have a very strong presence, strong energy and when I come it is like an avalanche. I am not loud, but everyone knows I am in the room.
At work, strangers look and study me. My coworkers follow my lead.
It can be annoying and intimidating in a relarionship..
my bf told me he is scared of me sometimes because I am so strong..
Maybe you can try making a video and see if it is something about your presence.
rmb
rmb

Aronia, that's brilliant. Self awareness is so important.
openheart
openheart

Lol, I talk to myself as if I'm talking to someone else in the mirror all the time. Where I think I am going wrong is when I playfully tease the guy. I've noticed they do not like it. It is my weird attempt to flirt, but I can see why it would be interpreted as hurtful. Despite being aware of this, it still slips out sometimes, especially when I am uncomfortable. I teased him more when we were around his friends, and I could tell he didn't like it, but I didn't and don't know how to fix it. This has happened before, and I am aware that I do this, although it is not intentionally hurtful, it is like I'm helplessly watching a train wreck...
koolman
koolman

It helps to know what you define a relationship to be. Constant togetherness? Communication, long conversations several times a day? Sex at least a few times a week? There aren't clear-cut answers to your questions. It might be you, it might be him, it might be that work and stress, life intrudes, maybe his passion for you just comes and goes.
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