PS I do believe part of my problem is I can be a bit braver here (behind my laptop) than I am in person. (I guess I am a hopeful coward)

I don't blame you for being cautious after being scammed. Loneliness is epidemic of our time. I met my ex-wife here on Daily Strength and we had bad and good times together and now we are divorced but still good friends. Knowing someone on Daily Strength is not like knowing someone from a face to face setting. I recommend joining a real community in your neighborhood or city, such as volunteer work or a book club. Not knowing what your circumstances are, it is hard for me to say what will work for you. I am a senior citizen living in such a facility and even though there are others living here, it is still a lonely existence. So, I write, and I publish books. I sometimes take online courses. But maybe you can go to a community college and take courses to meet people or learn something from their extension or community classes. What I am saying is that you can judge someone better or the situation better with face-to-face contact. Shyness or social phobia can be improved a bit at a time.

Thanks Victor. I have heard from many others (both on and offline) who tell me it is time to get out amongst others here...face to face.

You mention the shyness....For the most part, I do try to communicate with others I come across (Primarily because I know what it feels like to be discounted and feeling lost and unimportant.) But I tend to be way too chatty (I think because I am nervous...afraid of revealing something someone may not be ready to hear.)

As far as I have come, I sometimes have my moments where I get sucked back down by negative thoughts and feedback (need to grow a thicker skin. lol). I have only found one other who allowed and encouraged me to be exactly who I am and accepted me. (as i did him) Sadly, it was not my husband....and he is a zillion miles away.

I had nothing but good experiences from online dating and from the worst one - POF!
I met some really good guys and had great dates.
The last one turned into a relationship.
I met more bad matches in person than on line.
I think when you date online you have to be a little bit of a detective.. look at the photos and see what’s in the background.
A person that is truthful is consistent in his story every time, he answers your questions instead of changing the subject and he remembers what he said and what you said to him.
For example - you say “ I don’t like Starbucks coffee” and then a few weeks later he may ask you if you would go to Starbucks on a date.
This would tell me that someone is not paying attention or is dating a lot of people at the same time.
It is a small thing, but later on if you continue to see these little things, they build into a pattern.
You can also tell a lot by how someone talks about the mother of their children.
Let’s say the ex is a total nut job. A good guy will say : “ my ex put me through a lot , but we try to be civil for the sake of the kids”. A man who doesn’t know you well should not be sending a flock of F$$ks when describing the mother of his kids.

ALso - there is nothing wrong with being forward. I think a man who tells you he wants a booth call, maybe kind of sad, but at least he is honest and not tell you a bunch of lies.
You being honest is also good. If it scares someone, oh well. Not meant to be

Veggie - i am going through a book called "Boundaries in Dating" and it might help you. It discusses how important proper boundaries are to avoiding trust issues......which I deal with. Basically boundaries are a tool to protect yourself and avoid some of the heartache that leads to loosing trust in the opposite sex.

I'm reading through the responses and while some of the advise is good regarding dating....Didn't you state that you are married and if so would it be okay with you if your husband had online friendships or relationships with women??
I would think if you're married you really shouldn't be concerned with trusting anyone online and consider it as entertainment purposes only. You speak of growing close and booty calls....Those type of conversations shouldn't be taking place unless you have an open marriage.

I’m not sure if you mean online here at DS or online, like a dating site.

Finish your current relationship. Don’t start engaging with men until you have ended your marriage. I think even friendships with men is dangerous when you are in a crappy marriage.

I’m married and neither one of looks for relationships, even platonic, online or not, with the opposite sex.

I am still married....but not happily for over 10 of 15 years. I have told him several times that I want a divorce. Each time, he manages to "convince" me to think a bit longer. The last time I mentioned it I was triple teamed by he and his 2 sisters.

Since then, I have something in the works to give me access to a chunk of my own funds......to help me get started and toward legal costs. I do want to see if I can't get a consult to see what I need and what I am in for if I proceed. He and I are both currently going day by day going through the motions. The thing is he is content ...really just wants a roommate, cook, nurse, housekeeper. I am the one who is finally realizing I want , need, and deserve more.

He knows I do chat with others (and also men) When this all started over a year ago, I was on a gamesite. I jokingly mentioned to him that a young Englishman wanted to chat. He just laughed (which I took to mean no one would want to bother with me....or... he could care less) And he and I started chatting everyday. Eventually hubby was upset and wanted me to stop He said I should be talking with him instead of strangers. (and I should have). The problem was...I had to censor my words with him. Often he just didn't want to hear .....or he would get defensive and shut down. I did tell him that I couldn't get what i need from him so I was still going to continue with the other.

Then I came on DS looking for others with similar circumstances to share with and for support. he knows that and that i chat with more people. (I have also explained on here it is with many for different reasons ...we are all looking for support) He made the comment how would I feel if he were chatting with others (and women). That i wouldn't be happy and very hurt. That was not my intention.....truthfully though that should reinforce the need to admit it is over and move on.

I have never gone on a dating site or went looking for a new relationship. Once I do open up and start chatting (several times as we both got to know more of each other) things did seem to progress to wanting more and possibly planning a future....but not until I am officially free obviously.
We don't have an open marriage...it is not my intention to do anything until divorce is at least begun. Don't want to hurt him more than I already have. (I just can't continue t stagnate.)

So do you tell men
That you are still married
In a sticky situation that you are getting out of
...so you’ll go through the motions with your husband unt you get the chunk of cash, sounds a bit deceitful and you want trust ?
Very Interesting

Anyone I do chat with does know that I am still married but trying to get out. With my husband, I have found that if i just go with the flow (for the most part) we get along ok.

The chunk of cash is from my employee stock (worked for the same company for 21 years) It is NOT the entire acct but an early redistribution they now offer. My 401 k and the rest of that is still in tact (and I do realize that he's entitled to half of what I have earned over the years.....just as I am his) it is not my intent to "clean him out" (if anything, I plan to leave him with more than I need to take with me)

The thing is as long as I have been thinking about this my hands have been tied. I have never had a small amount stashed aside (just as my own ). From day one I put his name on my accounts, credit cards....The house, car.....all are in both names. Since things have been worse, others told me to start to try to put small amounts of cash aside to save for the day I could afford to leave. We needed both incomes and every last penny toward expenses and debt, so I never did this. (I just stayed put and miserable)

Sadly, you are probably right .....this may be deceitful at this point....but the last time I brought this up, the anger and threats of making sure I paid any and all legal costs.....the tension and attitude is no picnic to deal with . It is easier to make nice until I again muster up enough courage (and have some financing to actually take that first step.)

might be worth considering just going now, you will burn cash, a lot, whenever you, burn it now, get to bottom now, can start to surface sooner

IT would be very unusual to find a good man who would want to pursue a good relationship with someone who has not lived independently and has not broken a relationship.

So many say to spend alot of time on your own after a breakup or divorce......time to regroup, rediscover things of yourself......wants, needs, likes dislikes. I am guessing to simply enjoy and adjust to newfound freedom.

@Aronia..... I am wondering why (if the other knows of the situation and that I do plan to end the marriage) it is not feasible that someone could be interested (and hopefully decent)?

There is one man I have been chatting with who I would like to meet. He is out of state. After I have again told hubby I still think we would both be better off starting over (divorced), I do want to go to visit this other man. I want to actually meet (face to face) and get to know him. I figure worst case.....I get away, get to see the sites where he is and (if nothing else) do find a new friend.......best case....discover there is someone special and we can then begin to learn more about each other.

Everyone mentions spending some time living independently. Many people have gone straight from home right into marriage....or relationship to relationship...never on their own.

That is not the case with me. I would waste 20 years continuing to live at home trying to care for an alcoholic father and brother (who was often emotionally abusive ) At 35 I finally was convinced that I did deserve a life of my own. And I did...and I did enjoy my newfound freedom. My husband did move in and I married at 40.

For me.....now at 56 (augh) I feel I have wasted so much time already....I don't want to waste more. My mother (who I am constantly reminded I am so much like in all respects) was gone by this age. She would die a week before her 54th bday. Worst thing is...I expected the same for me, and at that point, I really didn't care. Now, I have this deep desire to actually finally experience life and ALL it has to offer (including maybe being able to actually find happiness before i die.)

Okay, I'm going to give this my best shot.

When it comes to strangers; meeting someone on line is a total crap shoot. However, meeting someone in person is a total crap shoot that could get you killed. That about sums up how I feel. Meeting on line offers a thin layer of safety that you typically don't get in the real world.

For example: Where did you meet your husband? At a bar? Bars are a good place to hook up with alcoholics, not nice men. Church? Lots of guys are attracted to religion because it's the last place they can go to be told they're in charge. I don't want a guy running my life, I want a life partner, so I avoided looking there. I could go on and on, but the point is when you meet people in real life they hide who they are, lie, tell things from their own perspective and will deceive you to get into your pants in a heartbeat. It's difficult to be emotionally honest face-to-face, especially for men because talking about feelings is not considered masculine behavior.

The same can be said for online. You just face a different subset of problems. Men are more likely to be emotionally honest, but we all skew the conversation in the direction that makes seem like good people. However, the anonymity of being being behind a computer makes honesty easier for those that are so inclined. You have to use good judgement when you meet someone on line, expect that you will get close to many before you find a companionable love mate and need to follow basic safety protocols. If you can't go pick someone up at bar and find your perfect partner in 3 goes, you won't be able to do that on line either. Don't have expectations of online relationships that real world relationships can't begin to match.

Her are some red flags for hooking up on line:

Is the other person willing to share their real identity with you after a reasonable amount of time?

Do they link you on social media so you have glimpse into their real life?

Do they accept any responsibility for the dissolution of former relationships or is it all the other person's fault?

Are they respectful?

Do they try to move to flirting or sexting quickly?

Do seem mentally stable? Do they talk about how much they hate taking their psychotropic medication or how hard it is not to drink?

Are they trying to hook up with you while they are still with their husband or wife? This is a huge red flag. What kind of person would insert themselves into another person's relationship that way? No one I would want to be with.

Are they on the rebound from an ugly divorce?

Have the people in their lives stopped speaking to them full stop? This is a big indication the person is a total douche, has drug or alcohol problems, or allowed an abusive spouse to cut them off from others.

I met my husband on line and asked him everything from have you ever been arrested to why is your head so big. I know it was annoying for him but we were from different countries, so It's not like we could grab a coffee. I lived in the US and he was in England at the time and neither of us were married or in a relationship of any sort. When we met for the first time, I made sure it was a public place and others knew where and who I was with. He turned out to be a perfect British gentleman, but I didn't know that at the time.