God, that is so true! My dad and I are currently not talking because he is very shaming towards me about my religion, telling me more or less that he fears for my soul. He has been living with a woman that he is not married to for over 15 years. While committing adultery, he has also abandoned his children and currently refuses to pay child support for my younger sister. That being said, he'd also told me that he has no idea why I don't want to talk to him, because "the god [he] worship[s] is not one who tears families apart." Thanks so much for posting this. Really hits home for me!

I was told once from someone who supposibly loved me, that I would never amount to anything. Now THAT hurt!! I carried that with me for a long time. Thank you for posting this Living! Hugs GB

Still carrying the load of my now deceased parents telling me I would never amount to anything. It never really goes away.

When criticism in not constructive then chances are it's coming from a hurt and weak place inside the person criticizing. It can be difficult to distinguish destructive from constructive criticism but if it is something you can, with a logical mind, use to improve your life, I would say it's constructive even if the approach is shitty.

Ex: "your a shitty driver you're going to get us killed" can be the same as "hey, I notice you drift in your lanes and don't always use your mirrors, that can be very dangerous". One sounds nicer but both can be true.

Telling somebody they will never amount to anything has no constructive value in my opinion and likely the person saying it feels that they did not live up to their own potential.

A father living a life against his own religious values telling others how they should improve their values is trying to somehow justify their "sins" by putting those around them down.

A once homeless person insulting somebody's home never healed or grew from their past. By insulting others homes they are trying to erase their own painful past.

I don't think relationships need to be tossed away because of these things, in fact, calling someone out can be constructive. Turning away in anger perptuates their dilussions that they are "better than" you.

Next time five them a calm rational constructive response.

I'll never completely forgive this dick-head bully who criticized me relentlessly in the 4th grade, encouraging his cronies to join in. Made my life at Northridge Elementary a living hell. I'm sure his father and/or older brother(s) were doing the same to him at home, but that's no excuse--don't dump it on me. The only positive things I can say about that experience are it toughened me up, made me tap into anger as a means of survival, and made me aware of the concept of evil.

pinkpony, you're spot on. I think sometimes too that people take another person's opinion on a matter as a personal criticism, when in the end it's just a person's different point of view, not an attack. And it's true, some people just have a crappy delivery.

But really, people can find fault with and judge whomever they want. I mean, when people say someone doesn't have a right to judge someone, well sure they do. People can think how they want, about whomever they want. Are they often off-base, hypocritical, hiding behind a little self loathing, fearful, mean spirited, etc. You betcha.

One of my favorite quotes ever:

"What other people think of you is none of your business."

Deepak Chopra expands on this by adding:

" If you start to make THAT business your business, you will be offended for the rest of your life. "

The destructive criticism is more about the other person than you. I think sometimes we have to just let that stuff go and understand it's likely coming from someone who is damaged or fearful. Doesn't mean you have to tolerate it and it's ok to call things out when necessary but it does take the sting out of things when you put it in that perspective.

My mom says some insensitive things all the time, even way before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. I know it's because she never felt very good about herself for most of her life. I usually ignore it and then tell my brothers, "Guess what YOUR mother said now? And we just kind of chuckle about it. I mean, she's often not right about what she's saying, but then again, as far as my day to day life and happiness goes, does it really matter that much? Nope.

Post # 5 is a bummer.

I understand that once evil touches us that we at that point become "aware of evil"

The bummer part ( to me) about your post is .. " It made me tap into my anger"

Pretty sure that is the goal of evil. To take sweet compassionate people and change their love to anger and hate.

Again... It's good to be aware of evil, but if it CHANGES us, makes us colder and meaner and sadder .... then doesn't that mean that evil won?

There is healthy anger and there's destructive anger, or functional anger and dysfunctional anger. Anger itself is a normal and healthy human emotion. Whether it's healthy or unhealthy has to do with how it's used and how it's expressed.

Holding on to anger... not healthy.

I find that anger is often confused with frustration!!!! Ex. I have a terrible round of golf and get my butt kicked......I hit several shots into the lake or bunkers......I appear angry ...but I'm frustrated.....I know I can do better...My g/f burns the steaks.......12.00per pound.....angry no frustrated yes..she knows better ......If somebody tells you that you can do better that does not mean they are always angry they know you could and should do better they are frustrated with you...just my humble opinion...

Yorman, I always joke that my husband has two emotions, anger and more anger. But you're right, what seems like anger to me is often his frustration or confusion or fear.

I make no bones about it. I get angry sometimes and sometimes tapping into that anger actually is a catalyst for making a decision that ends up being a good decision. I see people on this board who describe how their partners mistreat them and they don't know how to get out or move forward. I think, boy if you'd just get a little angry, it may help lift you up and out. I'm not talking stark raving lunatic behavior or destructive anger, but angry enough that it becomes a catalyst for positive change.

This is a good little article on the upside to anger:

http://www.spring.org.uk/2012/03/the-upside-of-anger-6-psychological-benefits-of-getting-mad.php

Koolman - child bullying is really hard to handle... There is no protection for kids.
When I was 5 I used to go outside to play and the older 5 girls ( 6
year olds) used surround me and bully me, pick on me, shove me around..
I would Come home crying.. My grandmother would
Sit me down and teach me how to deal with them. After some time, nothing worked and I didn't want to go out anymore. If my grandmother came out, they would behave, but once she went on, it was over.
So one day it was really bad and my grandmother said, that I had no other choice but to take action since nothing else worked. I was terrified of the idea.
However, I wanted it to stop. I went out, I got surrounded once again and they began shoving me. So I made a fist, closed my eyes and punched.
Apparently I hit one of them in the face and gave her a bloody nose.
From day, no one has ever touched me or said a word.

The next time I was bullied was in 2nd grade by a huge boy in my class. After 4 months of asking him to stop, I grabbed him and threw him and idk how but he ended up on his back on a desk.
It seems cruel now, but it was a different time and a different place.:.
I learned some valuable lessons from these incidents.
I wish I was there to kick butt for you.

I feel terrible for kids that are relentlessly and systematically picked on. I remember in school those kids who were for some reason the verbal and physical punching bag for other kids.

Aronia, you and I would have made quite a pair! I got teased quite a bit by boys when I was in grade school because I was chubby. I actually felt ok about myself, was outgoing and fun, but I took the teasing, because I could, because I had the wherewithal to endure it, because I was strong and I think I knew some teasing is just the nature of being kids. I had a brother who picked on me constantly when we were young so I think I was kind of toughened up from that. Anyway, I could take it but I could also verbally dish it out right back at them in defense so I didn't feel overly harmed by that experience. But then one day, one of these boys pushed my head into the drinking fountain when I was getting a drink. That was kind of a "Oh HELL No" moment for me. He stood their laughing and I kicked him really hard between the legs, and the kid went DOWN, crying and rolling on the floor. The kid didn't know what hit him. Of course, I was the one who got in trouble, but that little a-hole never said another word to me or put hands on me ever again.

Different times for sure and I was probably wrong for doing, but It was good to know I could take care of myself if I ever needed to.

I was a very timid child, and became a scapegoat for my angry father as well as the schoolyard bullies. I never could have taken physical measures to turn things around, like punching them in the nose! But I'm glad for the ones who ended their torment by doing that.

Adults can be cruel to kids, too. As an overweight child, I was teased and criticized by adults who really should have known better. Including my own family and relatives, friends of our family, etc. To this day, when someone says something about my weight, I want to throw them into the wall!

But my post had to do with "petty stuff". I really still want to laugh when I think of my brother-in-law's sister selling toilet seats, but thinking she is the ultimate critic.

Thanks for the criticism on #5, ladies! I don't hold onto unhealthy anger, am generally a pretty happy go-lucky guy, but the original post dredged this shit up, and it surfaces every time I deal with a new asshole, so I felt it was worth mentioning.