Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi everyone,
I was at my boyfriend's house last night, and brought over homemade dough for everyone to make their own pizzas (including my 10yr old daughter). He was mostly outside with his friend, while my daughter and I were inside helping his daughter make her pizza etc. Later that night his daughter was snuggling with myself and my daughter and he scooped her up wanting her to snuggle with him bc he said he was cold. He wanted to be close with her, which is fine. However, she didn't. She wanted to hang with "the girls" as she put it.
However, he wouldn't let her go and kept holding her on his lap to the point where her emotions escalated and she was screaming, hitting and trying to get out of his hold, and at one point said he was hurting her, which he said he wasn't. This went on for about 15 minutes and it was all I could do to keep quiet about it. Both my daughter and I looked over a couple of times but said nothing, as I didn't feel it was my place to do so, being his child and home.
After finally letting her go, she came over and sat in a chair close to me heaving from crying and very distraught. I wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her, but tried to remain neutral and put my arm around her. He then got mad again saying he'd had enough as he turned her bedroom light on telling her it was time for bed, and she said her mom let her stay up with her and watch movies...she was still heaving from crying before, still very upset at being held against her will. My daughter piped in trying to strike a nuetral deal, for her to give him a hug and him letting her watch the rest of the movie with us. But his daughter didn't want to go near him. He then picked her up anyway and brought her into his room (in an attempt to put her to sleep now) where she cried again for about 10 minutes and to the point of saying over and over "I want my mommy!"
It was very upsetting for me to be in a situation like this because if it were my daughter I wouldn't want her restrained against her will like that and to the point where she was screaming, hitting feeling physically hurt and clearly in distress. And because I didn't feel it was my place to say anything, I told my daughter we were leaving. I couldn't stand hearing it anymore. It was hard to listen to.
But once we got our coats and boots on, they both came out, and she came over to me for comfort asking "aren't we having a sleepover?" She was still very upset and I stood there caught in the middle of leaving and him seeing us ready to go (we were supposed to spend the night) and her now wanting us to stay. My daughter wanted to stay to be there to comfort her, but he mentioned something about me going to warm up my car (I guess providing an out for whatever reason). So then I felt guilty for leaving this distraught little girl who seem to need us for comfort. But he told her to go get something and we made our way out.
It didn't seem he was intentionally trying to cause her distress but rather oblivious to the fact that he was. He seems a little jealous at other times too when she wants to sit on my lap and sit with my daughter and I and has done this before, but not to this extent. It was awful to see her being held against her will and to the point of this level of distress. It was so disturbing that I had to leave last night at 11:00 at night, and still is. It was awful to witness and not be able to do anything. And I can't imagine being physically held against my will like that regardless of my feelings and actions, like his daughter was.
What are your thoughts?
-
Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
-
We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
I don't know how else he would know I contacted her other than her telling him, which she said she wouldn't do, given I have my own daughter to look out for (don't need someone trying to seek revenge on me). I called and left a message for her to call me. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting the mom know how her daughter was being treated, but now I'm not so sure.
There are people who are "naturally" (most research shows that parenting is a learned behavior) good at parenting.
There are people who suck at parenting but want to be better.
And there are people who suck at parenting and aren't going to change. (For whatever reason. Maybe they're just convinced that they're "right". Maybe they're convinced that the child is trying to "control" them. Maybe the cows are flying.... Point is, the reason doesn't matter...because they're NOT going to change.)
And there are people who are flat out abusive.
I really have no clue what category he falls in. Twisting an arm once years ago, may have been clearly abusive, just something that happened (my son STILL talks about the time I closed the truck on his head...I don't even remember it...I was probably tired and distracted), or poor parenting.
Thing is...it's up to him. After my divorce, my ex was pathetically bad with the kids (even spanked our daughter with a belt one time), but he learned, and got much better.
It's concerning that months are going by and his daughter doesn't want to visit him (that never happened with our kids...well beyond the normal trying to play parents off each other games that all healthy kids do).
Resources ARE generally available to him. Both through most county governments and through his insurance for family counseling. It's really up to him to decide if he wants to take advantage of him, or if he's going to just double-down on what he's doing.
Sounds like the girl has a good mom. That's a huge thing on her side. I really wouldn't worry about it that he found out that you talked to her. Nothing you've said so far indicates that he's been revengeful towards his ex-wife. Showing your daughter how to stand up for herself and others is a powerful real life lesson.
Best of luck to you and your daughter, Patti
He may know because of the timing of everything, ie him restraining her, you leaving his house because of it, you braking up with him. He may have just put the pieces together although I would actually not even blame the ex if she said something. It could have come up when they were arguing and well, emotions often prevent us from censoring ourselves. Besides, she kind of really has one person she really needs to protect and it's her daughter. I really would step out of the situation now and not contact either one of them. If he threatens you in anyway, call the police.
And the mother not only told him, when she said she wouldn't, but didn't even have the courtesy to call me back the other day when I wanted to see if she actually told him (this coming from someone who told me to keep in touch).
He said he knew I called almost from the beginning. I thought I was doing the right thing but now just feel like the ex-girlfriend that went behind his back to his other ex - so not me- even though I did mention it to him that it wasn't ok that he treated his daughter like that (i.e. made her cry in an attempt to get attention for himself) and got told I was crazy.
I feel I got myself into a mess that has me looking like the bad guy for nothing.