Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi everyone,
I was at my boyfriend's house last night, and brought over homemade dough for everyone to make their own pizzas (including my 10yr old daughter). He was mostly outside with his friend, while my daughter and I were inside helping his daughter make her pizza etc. Later that night his daughter was snuggling with myself and my daughter and he scooped her up wanting her to snuggle with him bc he said he was cold. He wanted to be close with her, which is fine. However, she didn't. She wanted to hang with "the girls" as she put it.
However, he wouldn't let her go and kept holding her on his lap to the point where her emotions escalated and she was screaming, hitting and trying to get out of his hold, and at one point said he was hurting her, which he said he wasn't. This went on for about 15 minutes and it was all I could do to keep quiet about it. Both my daughter and I looked over a couple of times but said nothing, as I didn't feel it was my place to do so, being his child and home.
After finally letting her go, she came over and sat in a chair close to me heaving from crying and very distraught. I wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her, but tried to remain neutral and put my arm around her. He then got mad again saying he'd had enough as he turned her bedroom light on telling her it was time for bed, and she said her mom let her stay up with her and watch movies...she was still heaving from crying before, still very upset at being held against her will. My daughter piped in trying to strike a nuetral deal, for her to give him a hug and him letting her watch the rest of the movie with us. But his daughter didn't want to go near him. He then picked her up anyway and brought her into his room (in an attempt to put her to sleep now) where she cried again for about 10 minutes and to the point of saying over and over "I want my mommy!"
It was very upsetting for me to be in a situation like this because if it were my daughter I wouldn't want her restrained against her will like that and to the point where she was screaming, hitting feeling physically hurt and clearly in distress. And because I didn't feel it was my place to say anything, I told my daughter we were leaving. I couldn't stand hearing it anymore. It was hard to listen to.
But once we got our coats and boots on, they both came out, and she came over to me for comfort asking "aren't we having a sleepover?" She was still very upset and I stood there caught in the middle of leaving and him seeing us ready to go (we were supposed to spend the night) and her now wanting us to stay. My daughter wanted to stay to be there to comfort her, but he mentioned something about me going to warm up my car (I guess providing an out for whatever reason). So then I felt guilty for leaving this distraught little girl who seem to need us for comfort. But he told her to go get something and we made our way out.
It didn't seem he was intentionally trying to cause her distress but rather oblivious to the fact that he was. He seems a little jealous at other times too when she wants to sit on my lap and sit with my daughter and I and has done this before, but not to this extent. It was awful to see her being held against her will and to the point of this level of distress. It was so disturbing that I had to leave last night at 11:00 at night, and still is. It was awful to witness and not be able to do anything. And I can't imagine being physically held against my will like that regardless of my feelings and actions, like his daughter was.
What are your thoughts?
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I read some of your older posts...am I correct that he had Christmas Eve with his ex-wife and left you alone, then failed to show up on Christmas Day and got drunk instead? I'm sure he wouldn't choose those words to describe his behavior, but that's what it boils down to. And I saw another post where he is frequently texting his 5-year-old's mother, to the point where you think it's excessive.
It sounds to me like he needs a lot of attention. Maybe that's why he fails to have appropriate boundaries with exes, and now perhaps with his young daughter.
I think all of these things you posted about would bother me also, if I was in your place.
Misleading... Do you see the restraining as a form of abuse? (Hence the suggestion for a nanny cam).
And rmb, yes this is the same child that you mentioned about the house inspection. And I will say something to him about the situation. At the moment, I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts about it (and to get over my emotions about it - was a disturbing situation to be around, especially as a mom - her crying for her mommy - and parent in general) and to have some time first so that I can try and respond constructively about the situation (as much as one can given the circumstances). Given that I left at 11:00 at night, he knew something was up, and when he texted and asked about things, I said my daughter was uncomfortable (didn't say I was yet) and that my eye (that I previously hurt) was sore. I will explain it better to him later as I mentioned above.
By restraining her just because he wants her attention on him, it's giving her the message that 1) it's about the man's/or other's needs and her wants and needs don't matter, and 2) that it's okay for a man to restrain her against her will... An awful message to send a little girl, or anyone.
I would definitely discuss it will him.... I would be careful how you word things as this is his child.... Perhaps starting with...." This is how I felt when I saw"....
He may be feeling left out and his confidence may be a little shaken if he doesn't get to see his daughter very often
I personally wouldn't use a nanny cam.... If I was that concerned I would call CPS
I also tried talking to CPS, however, the in-take lady seemed more annoyed about things like name spelling and overall. I gave her the child and mom's first names as that's all I knew and the father's first and last name. However, I didn't get to telling the story bc upon indicating I wanted it to be anonymous the worker agreed with that part but seemed frustrated with my need to feel protected too and wanting to somehow contact the mother about the issue. Then upon telling her I didn't feel safe with their procedure with contacting the father because he would know it was me reporting the incident (seeing as it was my daughter and I, and possibly his room mate heard it) which could cause problems for myself and my daughter, she told me it was my duty to report. I told her it's also my duty to keep my child and self safe too, especially given something in particular that he said today. So, I changed my mind about pursuing the matter further with them.
Then I tried looking up the mom, and thanks to being in a rural area, I found her name and messaged her and hope she will respect my confidentiality in the matter (mom-to-mom/parent-to-parent). As a mom I would want to know and I feel this little girl needs protection from this kind of thing.