Healthy Relationships Support Group
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About a week and a half ago, some friends of mine were getting together at their house to hang out for a bit and then go out for drinks. When I got there, I knew everyone but one guy. He was nice (and incredibly hot) and I found out later in the evening, our engaged friends were using the night as an excuse to set us up. We spent the next day out with our friends, got dinner just the two of us, and then met up with friends again. We had one more date that was just us two. Already this guy is calling me pet names, asking for advice while he went on a guys vacation this weekend, etc. I'm not generally a fan when friends push people at me, but now this guy seems to be seeing us a couple and we've only hung out 3 times! I know myself and I know that if I feel pushed or pressured, I'll pull a runner and the guy will never hear from me again. I feel like I want to give him a chance so I've told my friends to stop pushing the whole deal on me and have tried to set a slower pace for how often I hang out with the guy (like twice a week.)
The difficult part is another friend of mine. He's been my best friend since we were in school and it's been getting to be more than that now. I talk to him on and off every day, we spend the night at each others' houses a lot, and we've hooked up but not actually slept together. I did tell him how I felt but it was at probably the worst time ever. He was at a bachelor party weekend and my "telling him" was more a frustrated blow-up than anything. (To my credit, I didn't KNOW he was at a bachelor party weekend till he told me the next day.) He never directly acknowledged it and now both of us dance around the topic and joke about the fact that neither one will just cop to it. I think it's more of a "no one wants to go first" type thing. My friends told me that after I left one night, they were talking about this other guy and he was acting jealous and when they finally asked him if he was interested in me, why was he so bothered, they said he clammed up and wouldn't say anything at all. A lot of people find him difficult...hell, I do too sometimes...but he's one of the most important people in my life. I love the guy, pain in the ass as he is.
I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I don't want to potentially rob myself of a good thing by completely ignoring this new guy. Slowing the pace down and telling my friends to shut up about it are both practical, easy to achieve goals. But if I had the chance to be with my best friend, that has been dealing my craziness for almost half my life now, I would take it in a heartbeat. I just don't know how to make that conversation happen...we're both a little emotionally stunted. The other problem is that I've had boyfriends try to force my friend out of the picture before, some successfully. It won't happen again. He's been there longer and it takes a lot of work to get our friendship back on track after the boyfriend is gone and I'm trying to make up for blowing him off for months/years at a time. So, if new guy comes in to the picture, he has deal with my friend's presence...and a lot of underlying tension that comes with it.
Okay, so I'm a mess. I never know what I'm doing. I thought dating would get easier as you got older, but I'm in my late 20's now and still find myself in a disaster area!
The difficult part is another friend of mine. He's been my best friend since we were in school and it's been getting to be more than that now. I talk to him on and off every day, we spend the night at each others' houses a lot, and we've hooked up but not actually slept together. I did tell him how I felt but it was at probably the worst time ever. He was at a bachelor party weekend and my "telling him" was more a frustrated blow-up than anything. (To my credit, I didn't KNOW he was at a bachelor party weekend till he told me the next day.) He never directly acknowledged it and now both of us dance around the topic and joke about the fact that neither one will just cop to it. I think it's more of a "no one wants to go first" type thing. My friends told me that after I left one night, they were talking about this other guy and he was acting jealous and when they finally asked him if he was interested in me, why was he so bothered, they said he clammed up and wouldn't say anything at all. A lot of people find him difficult...hell, I do too sometimes...but he's one of the most important people in my life. I love the guy, pain in the ass as he is.
I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I don't want to potentially rob myself of a good thing by completely ignoring this new guy. Slowing the pace down and telling my friends to shut up about it are both practical, easy to achieve goals. But if I had the chance to be with my best friend, that has been dealing my craziness for almost half my life now, I would take it in a heartbeat. I just don't know how to make that conversation happen...we're both a little emotionally stunted. The other problem is that I've had boyfriends try to force my friend out of the picture before, some successfully. It won't happen again. He's been there longer and it takes a lot of work to get our friendship back on track after the boyfriend is gone and I'm trying to make up for blowing him off for months/years at a time. So, if new guy comes in to the picture, he has deal with my friend's presence...and a lot of underlying tension that comes with it.
Okay, so I'm a mess. I never know what I'm doing. I thought dating would get easier as you got older, but I'm in my late 20's now and still find myself in a disaster area!
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
As an outsider, I see these as two separate issues and I'd look at them that way. With the new guy, just tell him you want to keep it casual if that's what you want. Better to be straight forward and honest than have him think something is happening when it may not be. If you do want to see where things go, then see where they go. That should have nothing to do with this best friend situation. If it does, then you're not in a position to seriously date anyone because you're too hung up on the best friend
If you want to try to have a relationship with the best friend, then do. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. This is the risk we take when we are interested in something. If you'd rather just be friends, then be JUST that. If he can't handle you dating someone, well really, that's not a good reason for you to not see other people. In fact, he has no say in who you see or don't see.
Tell your group of friends to back off. Sheesh. TJust say, KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY. Your not their social experiment for crying out loud.
There's nothing wrong with where you are in terms of being in your late 20s but it may be a good time to just take a step back and think about who you are and what you want, independent of what your friends think, or what guys you think you should be with.
I can see why you want your friends to "shut up about it" cause they might ruin your chances with both guys if they let it be known that you are wanting to have your cake and eat it too.
We all went the best possible deal for ourselves, right?
Would you be willing to date a guy who was really waiting around for another girl to give him the green light, but he was just dating you just in case? If you can honestly answer yes you would be fine with that... then carry on!
Want to date both? Do it.
Want to remain friends and date one? Do it.
True friendships and healthy connections will appreciate your candor and ability to be your own woman :)
Think about what you want, what you will and won't tolerate, then take a deep breath and jump in! Have Fun!
" I want us to be a couple. How do you feel about it? " if he says no, then go after the hot guy.
Done deal.
You have came up with the solution. I am now laughing at myself for going into all the moral reasoning and analyzing it from every angle, when the perfect solution is so simple!
It's a tall order to expect someone new who comes into your life to put up with any underlying tension or drama with your guy friend. Doesn't mean you can't still be friends with your friend but no strong confident man is going to want to take a back seat to your friend who has been around longer. I'm not talking casual dating where it doesn't matter but should you ever meet someone you do want to become more serious with, you will at some point need to deal with the friendship situation one way or another.
There is nothing charming or flattering about someone getting jealous when someone mentions you have someone else in the picture. So if your friend is really interested in pursuing a more than friend type relationship with you, he needs to own that and address it. If he can't or won't, or you can't or won't own up to your feelings about it with him, then I would take that as a sign that either he or you prefers the limbo or he or you isn't really ready or he or you just aren't sure yet.
I'm not on the friends side or the new guy's side so whoever you choose, or don't choose is totally in your hands and up to you. I mean, you know your heart and your head. But just try to be as intellectually and emotionally honest with yourself as you can be. Hard to ever go wrong when you do that.
What if the 13 year friendship dude met someone else? How would you feel about that? Are you willing to waste more time and worry about getting your feelings hurt should he meet someone new?
Don't mess up what could be an amazing thing.
I have always been a bit of a risk taker..
When I was young I had a similar situation, very close to a guy and we never had sex but we'd sometimes kiss, snuggle, sleep in the same bed and we were just emotionally close. It never went beyond that. I can't speak for him, but I developed strong feelings for him but deep inside I knew we weren't going to be together. I think we were security blankets for each other. I didn't end the friendship outright but I ended the closeness because it just confused things too much, for both of us, and I don't regret that. The freedom from each other allowed us to see things with percision clarity.
So sometimes I think friends stay in these situations to avoid self examination and to avoid loniness and fear of being our own person. Because to be quite honest, people who REALLY want to be with other person will make that happen, regardless of the cost.