Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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7cjl10 05/20/2017

I had a really bad talk with my husband today and I will not be staying married to him... He moved out Feb 10th to his parents and has had little contact with our son since. He buys him toys from time to time when he has him and make a play day out of the time he has which is not fun to clean up the mess that leaves me when he returns him. I am done cleaning up the mess he leaves I have done it for too long. I did it when we first met 10 years ago when he was in school I would help him with his school work and fill in at work when he was too overwhelmed by school. And I even picked up extra jobs so he could decide what he was doing with his life and take time doing so... I am done with this... He called today to tell me yet again that I had done nothing with my life and that I was not worth his time. So to that I say goodbye.. I have blocked his number until I am ready to talk to him. I am filing the divorce papers again and going back to school and caring for my son all while he does the smallest things for our son by some times showing up to a soccer game or taking him to dinner. I am done saying daddy is working but will just say daddy is too busy. I am done with being told I am not worth the time or money. I put in my time supporting my husband and when it came to me staying home with our son while he was not in school and in 1/2 day preschool he could not do the same for me I am done being told to just put our son in daycare even though I was not making enough to cover that cost plus my added travel and such.

I am curently married to a guy that would say I cheat because you are depressed. I am sorry but I was not depressed but was building walls around myself for protection of our son and I when you started bringing these women to my house saying you now after 10 years wanted to open our marriage I am sorry but NO. I am not sorry that one day your son will know the real you and never want to talk to you again.

Aronia 05/20/2017

If you keep your child from his father he will resent you.
I know you are hurt and you are justified , but you are channeling it onto your child.

7cjl10 05/20/2017

I am basing keep him mostly from him on their interactions not just feelings... My husband is quick to anger and shouting with my son and he does not need that.

Thumpa 05/21/2017

I a man so sorry for what u are going through.... good on u for standing up for u and ur son. Although I may not have any experience with this all I know is it's good to vent and like I said- u are standing up for urself which is a really good start.
Just keep looking after u and ur son and ur (ex) husband will eventually realise he has dug his own hole... some may realise it and do everything to climb out to make this better (even if it is just for ur son) and some will just willow at the bottom and not try at all... either way ur son will eventually know the REAL him, even if its decades later.... my husband is 35 and only just know seeing what his "father" is really like....

Keep ur chin up, stay strong and look after ur boy :)

7cjl10 05/21/2017

Thanks my son is my number one priority here. I am sad I lost my husband in all of this but know that if we are meant to be together he will do everything he can to make sure I know he will not put us in danger again.

I'm sorry your husband went though something where his dad was not great too. How is he taking knowing what his dad really was?

rmb 05/21/2017

You are wrong to keep your child from his dad and it will back fire. The mature thing, and the right thing, is to establish times he can see him, even before you go through

Unless your husband is abusive to your child, no judge is going to prevent visitation so you might want to start establishing some of that now.

Lenoire 05/21/2017

It does sound like there is some abuse happening here, and I too would be concerned for my child's safety, if he is not a stable person.

gregsbaby 05/21/2017

I had to keep my oldest (he's 21 now) from his dad growing up because he was doing some stupid stuff and hanging around some shady characters, which later caused him to do fed time. Sometimes people don't understand that we really have to speak up for our kids, especially if they're not old enough to speak up for themselves. More times than not it's because as a mom we go into lioness mode and will do anything to protect our cub and unfortunately if that means keeping them from a distance around their father, so be it.

rmb 05/21/2017

Up until this post, the OP was trying to get her husband back home; she didn't want to give up on the marriage. If abuse was a concern why would she want her husband back in the house? Doesn't quite add up to me. The husband is a scumball it's true. Not sure I'd go so far as to say he's abusive to his child though. But hey, what do I know.

7cjl10 05/21/2017

I think he he reason I thought it was better to have him back home was so there was not times where he was alone with our son because I could step in and prevent any abuse if I needed. It was always very stressful and would have continued to be stressful. But my son's safety mattered more than my happiness and still does but the abuse is now aimed at my from afar.

I am not just trying to keep him away for the sake of keeping him away but he is very degrading to me and our son and that is not healthy.

rmb 05/21/2017

No, you are right; it's not healthy. I get that.

Jersey_of_Oz 05/22/2017

just try to be the clean one in the divorce and don't give your son the details until he is older and never speak poorly of your ex while your son is around. The first step to getting healthy is getting out and that is the hardest step. our thoughts and prayers are with you.

7cjl10 05/22/2017

We have been talking on and off and he is being nice right now and hope that continues. He starts a new job today. Hopefully that helps with his mood staying positive too. He is one that relies on outside things for his happiness.

Praying for him and our family everyday

Aronia 05/22/2017

You can petition the courts for supervised visitations.

7cjl10 05/22/2017

Tried that and don't have enough to get it done but they basically said let your kid get hurt then we might grant that.

Aronia 05/25/2017

That's not true. All you have to do in this country is make a report to child protective services that your spouse is abusive to your child and they launch a full investigation.
If your husband is truly abusive then it is crazy to attempt to keep him in the house with your allegedly abused child.
You are a good person and I think you are honestly trying to do what's best, but you have to pick: is he an abuser or not ? If he is , make a report, divorce him and deal with custody through the court and keep your child safe. If he is not, he has the right to parent his child just like you do and if you attempt to keep the child from him, he will take you to court and file for full custody. The judge is not going to take kindly to a parent who is not allowing visitations.
If he is inappropriate then he can be sent to parenting classes and get his act together.

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