Walrus koolman is right. I'm sending you a friend request. I suffer from PTSD. I hate to say that my wife abused me because she passed away but that's pretty much what happened. I'm still going to councling to improve my life but I think I've gone a long way since my wife died.
Your self esteem is virtually non existent. I've been where you are and it's not pretty. I can easily revert back to negative tendencies and self loathing but I try my best to move on. I have 1 really good friend that I can confide in. If you don't have that you have to find a counselor who will. Self help books helped me out a lot. Positive you tube videos are really great and free. I've been where you've been. Equally fucked up or worse. Read my journal. I think you might get something out of it.
I've been accused of many horrible things abused, hated, and despised but I realized I wasn't the evil ass whole they portrayed me to be and I finally started to fight back after years of being neglected. I suffer from
PTSD, extreme anxiety, and severe depression. I'm med free now. That's kinda hard but I suffered from horrible night sweats from the medication. If you want to speak to someone who has been in a very similar situation as you. I will respond as soon as I get the message. I wish the best for you sir.

I agree with Koolman too, a lot of this stuff isnt really your place to place all onto women. Also, your many posts about extreme feminism, its not pointed at you directly and nothing for you to fear. You sound like a very sensitive and nice person who isnt discriminative, so the more you go on about women is likely for you to come across to be sexist even though I dont think you actually are, and then you're likely to be verbally attacked and be a target by these 'women.' You sound very intelligent and have a naturally inquiring mind...if you cant access therapy at the moment are there self help books you can get from the library? I'm sure you'd be very good at research.

I think your issues stem from abuse, not women as a whole...and you've projected this abuse onto a whole gender.

How about some practical advice? Some women actually enjoy being studied, but until you know someone personally, it is safer to assume that they don't.

I recommend that you master the art of the discrete glance. This will prevent you from fixating you gaze and getting embarrassed when caught. If you accidentally make eye contact, immediately smile and say hello, or ask a mundane, impersonal question. This will at least break the ice and get you off the hook. In the realm of positive outcomes, it could even lead to a conversation.

I hope things will get better for you SW. It is not easy, however I am a big believer that once can heal from PTSD but it takes a long time.
Before I was 18, I was sort of abducted twice, raped and sexually assaulted multiple time, but was able to get through it and continue my life without lasting effects, so I hope you will be able to recover as well.
The only bad part about it is that when I faced another severely stressful situation, all of the past came up in therapy and I had to go over it again. This time around it seems much harder and I do have PTSD now from that last bad situation. It will be 4 years and I still have flashbacks and nightmares.
So.. I understand how difficult it can be, but I hope you can heal.

Are there any art classes near you that draw live subjects?

In the class you'd be required to not only look at a woman, but study and draw them. You wouldn't be alone, you'd be surrounded by others doing the exact same thing. And the model is expecting you to both look at and draw them.

Just a thought.

Every day that goes by that you don't address your experiences, feelings and perceptions in a therapeutic setting is another day where you are victimized all over again.

Sometimes, you just have to accept the help that's available even if it's not exactly what you are looking for. Perhaps you've already looked into this, but this is a good site for resources. http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/

It gives information finding care, different support groups, local advocacy groups, webinars, resources, etc.

I'm not saying it's easy. Obtaining mental health care, for whatever is the issue or cause, is a pain point for lots of people in this country, for various reasons (money, insurance, resources, access). But I think there's help out there if you are open to it.

I should probably clarify that when I say "look/glance at women" I'm not talking about staring at or ogling women. I'm talking about the same kind of look/glance one does when seeing anyone around them when walking down the street, where you SEE the person, but aren't exactly looking at them as you walk.


@patti: I've taken those types of art courses before and had awkward results. A few times the model ended up being someone I knew from my college courses or from work. Usually during drawing sessions I would have trouble with the assignments due to dissociation.


@rmb: Back when I still posted in the ptsd support group I spent months pouring over and looking through those kinds of directories and looking up if there were any local support groups. The results were pretty dismal (thanks in part to 2/3 of the funding for such things getting cut by a former governor). I ended up having to make do with self help materials while saving up to afford professional help.


@patternskies: It's difficult to not be afraid of the extremist types when I've encountered them first hand. It doesn't help that there is a stigma against talking about them, where if you complain/vent or express fear of them you're viewed as sexist. Especially in support groups where you see everyone around you talk about the horrible things their abusive families or significant others have done to them, but if you try getting any support yourself you get viewed as a bas person.

When I was in a really rough patch with my flash backs and dissociations I turned to the ptsd support group for help. Instead of help I was told I deserved what happened to me because I'm a guy, and that I had no right to complain about my experiences because women have it worse than I ever could.

I'm not necessarily talking solely local support groups but 1:1 therapy that is available for reduce fee due or at no cost due to income limitations. It's not necessarily state funded. I mean, maybe there isn't anything available in your city/county but I know most communities have therapists or community mental health practitioners who will accept reduced fees or provide some services free. I live in a fairly conservative state with a conservative governor who didn't expand Medicaid but I also know there are other non state funded programs here as well.

Anyway, I'm not trying to be contrary but I'm ridiculously stubborn, apparently.

It seems like the only feasible option currently available to me is to try overcoming this fear through exposure. I may have to just force myself to practice briefly glancing at or looking in the general direction of women in public (preferably at a distance and when they are facing away from me). Then maybe over time it will become easier for me to look at women.

This is what I do. I look, smile, and say good day. Or I just nod.
There's no worry about possibly looking like a perv. Just be genuinely nice. People that matter won't find that harassing.

Do you have any female friends you trust that you can practice with, like maybe have her walk towards you on a street and then ask her if there's anything about how you looked at her that seems off? Because she may be able to tell you if you're inadvertently staring too long or if you're doing something with your body language that you may not realize.

@drew: I used to do that since I always was told or read that I needed to at least try to fake being confident enough to do that. Unfortunately, even that attracted extreme hostility from some women. In a few cases women have threatened to falsely accuse me of sexual harassment for being in the same area as them or just politely saying hi to them.


@rmb: I don't have any female friends. Also, I doubt staring too long is the problem since my anxieties make it difficult to even glance at women without feeling bad about it.

So it's not that women get put off if you make eye contact with them but that you're just afraid they will? Sorry, I wasn't clear if it was how you thought you literally came across to women, how they see you, or if it was just how you see yourself.

Do you not come in contact at all with women at all in your day to day life?

The only times I come in contact with women is in professional settings (ex: at work or if they're the cashier at the store). I can generally handle these types of interactions due to feeling safer in a professional setting. However, my job generally doesn't give me opportunities to just mingle with women. And even when it does it is brief encounters where people tend to behave in a professional manner.

Given my reputation and long history at my job I tend to feel safe from things like false accusations (the security cameras help too). Outside of work is another story though since I lack those safety nets.