Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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vincent0001 08/18/2016

It means a lot to me to make a positive contribution to my wife and kids…. Making a meaningful contribution to “my tribe”. I spent a number of years so focused on growing my business, that I negated what’s important. One morning a few months ago, when I was mediating at 5:30 AM , this realization hit me a like an epiphany. I immediately wrote a list of things that I feel a husband / father should do on a daily basis to contribute and to be set an example. I practice these things religiously, and I have seen a big difference in my entire family, including their own attitudes and behaviors. Last night, however, my wife said that even though I do all of these things, I am not “onboard”. This hurt my feelings, because I want her to really grasp and understand how important it is for me to make a positive contribution to the family that benefits everyone. I am not sure what she means. She is going through some very emotional times right now, her self-esteem is low, and I am wondering if she’s projecting? If so, I am happy to be her sounding and venting board (I can take it). But if it’s something I am not doing that needs addressing, I need to know. Any thoughts?? Am I making sense??• Provide for my family• Make my wife feel special• Spend time with my kids• Support and encourage• Help and contribute• Practice emotional intelligence• Eat healthy and exercise

lostsoul72 08/18/2016

I would have to say that you are on top of your game with analytical thinking of what others need. Maybe your just sumerizing and I am not understanding. I applaud you for your efforts and love for your family though and please take my words as constructive critisiam . Maybe your wife needs to be more than told she is beautiful. Do you hug her still, kiss her still, make love to her, make a date night and take her out and make her feel special? So many people get caught up in the rat race of life that they forget to keep the love alive you have to work at making your partner feel needed, wanted, and loved. What you may feel as supporting your wife well may not be what she is feeling. Talk to her and keep the lines of communication open. There is no doubt in my mind that you love your family, but I see things that kind of point to their opinion of feeling loved and your opinion of showing love are different. There is a good book I suggest you read called the 5 love languages. It has a lot of good information about how people speak differently when it comes to love. You can also go online and look up the web site and learn more about it. With any book or advice though you need to take away the knowledge that will help you most.
I wish you all the Luck!

vincent0001 08/18/2016

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, I kiss her, hug her, and tell her I love her every day. I also make date nights / afternoons... but I can increase the quantity. But that being said, I think you are right. I think that what may speak love to 1 person may not to another. I am going to check out "5 Love Languages". Thanks :)

SunCloudJD 08/18/2016

I think it 'sounds' as though you are doing a great job but I agree to talk to you and ask what she means... I don't see any point in trying to guess ...If she makes a statement like that I would imagine she's willing to discuss it... Big hug...xo

vincent0001 08/18/2016

Thanks, SunCloud :) Yes, I agree communication is key

gebaird 08/18/2016

I think it's important to understand why these issues are coming up. Sometimes we go out of our way to help another person feel loved/wanted, and they still don't feel it -- not because of anything we are doing wrong, but because of the challenges they are facing. Have you ever given someone a compliment and had them totally dismiss it? Like if you say to your wife, "You look really great in that dress" and she says, "No I don't" or "I'm too fat." That has nothing to do with you (assuming the compliment was meant sincerely), and everything to do with her self-esteem and body image. I guess what I'm saying is that you can be a loving person and express that love in all the right ways, but you cannot MAKE HER FEEL LOVED if she subconsciously believes she is unworthy of love. The best relationships consist of two self-aware people who are willing to work on their own individual issues as well as the relationship itself. Keep working on yourself, and keep doing the right things (including understanding how she is feeling about herself and the relationship). If you do your part, and she does hers, the outcome can only be positive.

ScarletAngel13 08/18/2016

Maybe you should be asking your wife what you missing that should be addressed instead of a bunch of internet strangers. However, I have a feeling that you may be overcompensating and expecting a pat on the back and your wife is probably thinking "and now he wants recognition for finally going what he should have been doing all along.'

Misred 08/18/2016

I was going to suggest the 5 love languages. If you search the Internet you can take the quiz on-line. It's quick, but still read the book and ask her to read it too. You need to find out what says love to her and do that, not what you think speaks love. For instance the date night suggestion. For me, adding more date nights or telling me I'm beautiful would not cut it for me....not that those are not nice things, they just don't transfer to feeling loved for me and could make me annoyed. But that's just me. I'm an acts of service kind of person. You pick up my plate at dinner (after I've eaten of course) and put it away for me. Or you pick up my favorite candy on your way home from work. No out of the way trip necessary...just go into the gas station after pumping gas and get a milky way. I think once you find out what her love language is, you can achieve your goal. And I hope she joins you on this by finding out yours as well.

lostsoul72 08/18/2016

Scarlet I agree with what your are saying, but I find your reply a jaded. I can only speak for my self, but when I face a problem I ask for help. I also go to the other person involved if there is one and ask them, but I like to have others opinions. Sometimes people get stuck in a certain kind of thinking and its always nice for people to point out other avenues. I may be an internet stranger, but I am one that cares and will offer my advice and opinion if it helps someone else. Lots of people (including myself at times) view the world and relationships with blinders on or threw a tunnel and it helps them to have others help them look outside what's normal.

koolman 08/18/2016

Yeah, ask your wife what she means by "on board". Ask her if she can be more specific.

vincent0001 08/18/2016

Thanks, gebaird. That was very clarifying. I like the message of "stay the course" and "be aware". Thanks :)

vincent0001 08/18/2016

You may be right, ScarletAngel13 . I need to put my ego aside. Thanks for the cold water.

vincent0001 08/18/2016

Thanks, Misred. Yeah, I am starting to see that everyone has their language of love. Oh, and I do pick up her plates AFTER she;s done eating - LOL

rmb 08/18/2016

Hmmm...I wonder if it's the difference between acting and being. Maybe she thinks you're just going through the motions. Part of being a great husband/ dad is understanding your wife's and kids' needs vs defining that for them. You can only do that through hearing your family, and asking them to help you understand something when you don't. Your wife is trying to tell you something and it may be that what she's trying to say is intangible, deeper, finer than your very general list. I would ask her to give you an example of when she has felt you've not been on board. That may give you context and also help her explain it to you.

Being there, being present, being engaged, being a true partner, being IN IT, it's messy, it's hard, it's inperfect, and it's neither clinical nor calculated. Throw your great guy list out the window, get out of your head and talk to your wife with your guard down, and your preconceived ideas of what she needs, who she is, and how she is checked at the door.

vincent0001 08/18/2016

Thanks, RMB. I have tried to "listen", and I need to pay more attention to understanding what my wife and kids are "really saying". I get that, and thanks for the reminder. So you think the list may be constricting?

rmb 08/18/2016

I think thinking about how we want to live and what we value is important. Having a personal code, creating a guide, these are important because it's aspirational and keeps our moral compass steady. But without execution, it's kind of lip service. I think it's wonderful you recognize areas you want to focus your efforts. But engage your wife so you can both understand ehat each of you needs. I think this is a constant thing you have to do in a marriage. Constant.

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