Do you have any contact with her at all?

Welcome to the forum Hurting. I'm sorry to meet you under these circumstances and I would very much recommend that you join the forum within DS, PEACE, (Parents of Estranged Adult Children Everywhere). There you will find so many other parents who are going through the process of grief through estrangement with their children for many reasons. You are not alone! It's a great site for a support system.

It never ceases to amaze me just how petty and vindictive one parent can be where the general emotional well being of their children is put second to their own.

You may very well be a "Hurting Dad"

But if she wants nothing to do with you or your parents, she must be feeling very hurt herself.

What is SHE feeling and perceiving HER truth to be?

She must feel very hurt in order to cut you out of her life, has she told you why? Has she given you a reason she doesn't want you to be part of her life?

I did not one line in your post that was interesting to me.. You type.. " she has made little effort to see my mom and dad.. her adoring nanny and papa" In my opinion, the wording says a lot. I'm reading that there is some expectation that she OWES them because they are old and her grandparents.. If they are "adoring" they are still young enough to make the "effort" for HER! She is the child, not them.. They best be putting in the effort to let her know they love and care what happens to her... a guilt trip like.. "you should respect your Nanny and Papa.. isn't going to work on a very hurt and wounded child. She sounds angry and my instincts tell me her reasons are valid to her. put your thoughts ON HER and I bet you'll be able to fix things.
Sometimes our society gets things mixed up and feels the "child" owes the parent respect and a relationship. We as parents brought these humans into the world to care for THEM and fulfill THEIR needs.. not the other way around.

Good luck

Hurting, I can't recommend the PEACE forum more. There, you will find understanding and support.

And, I would add that on any forum you become involved with you will find all kinds of support, or posts of the self-righteous indignation. You will learn to take the positive advice and toss away the negative. It all comes with the territory of conversing with the diversified.....

Big hug for you Hurting... I'm so sorry that you're going through this with your daughter... It does 'sound' like there's some sabotage and using your daughter from what you've written...

I'll put up a link for the group that pd has recommended for you... xo

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/haven-of-peace-for-estranged-parents-hope

Thanks for the replies. I am new to this, so I do appreciate the direction to get involved in right group. patti22, I have had sporadic communication with her over the past year and a half. When she refused to allow me to pick her up, I understood that the time had come to "release" her and her mom from any obligation to me to fulfill my desire to see her as I wished or any legal (court blessed) obligation (we had few joyous time together leading up to that anyway). So I did, in thought out email I let her know that I understood that given her age (16), things change and she was now old enough to decide where she wanted to lay her head at night (mom's or mine). I have and still feel that this was the right decision, though I felt that with some time and space and some room for her to feel some independence, that it would allow for a fresh perspective and renewed relationship. It hasn't.

She does well in school, has many friends and in general is doing pretty well as far as I know. I get no updates or communication from her mom and my only knowledge comes from online school parent portal thing that allows me to see her grades, attendance, etc. About 3 weeks ago, I noticed where she had been gotten into trouble 3 days in a row for being "disruptive" in class. I called to speak with the teacher, he asked her why I was calling and she called me screaming and crying and saying "this is why I don't want you in my life". Bear in mind, I have never spoken to anyone at her school, especially the new private school she has been attending since about the time she "moved out".

To Shasta, I guess she may well be hurting in some way though she hasn't really expressed that. I'm not a dad that belittles, however I may have inadvertently made her feel badly of herself because I would question her as to why she wouldn't do things as I had asked (I.E. clean room, kitchen, wash some laundry, etc. - thought being, I wanted my home to be her home and not some place where she had to crash every other week, I thought I was doing right as a parent). I didn't mean to hurt her self-esteem, but I might have. I have apologized and asked if she would want to go to a family counselor to help us sort things out, she won't. I have given space (gone weeks with only occasional "love you text". When she called me crying, I almost begged her to let me take her dinner...I just wanted to put my arms around her and let her know that what she perceives as bad, is only her daddy attempting to determine her well being and let her know that I love her. At this point, anything I say or do is perceived as negative in some way. She plays soccer and her coach in emails is frequently asking parents for Gatorade donations and I've thought about dropping some off, but it would be perceived as something bad. I have never been asked to attend one of her games, though I did coach her little league teams both soccer and softball for years.

Not saying that her mom is to blame here, just saying that unfortunately she doesn't help and has no desire to. To feel so powerless to repair this is the most maddening thing. I have been holding my breath for 18 months, I will continue...I have no other option.

pd2012, SunCloud, Thank you.

I mention her grandparents, only to say that she has cut them off too, despite the fact that they like most grandparents love and value the time with their grandchildren. Of course, she owes them nothing and if not wanting to spend to time with them, her decision. It is still difficult to understand as I can't fathom myself telling my grandmothers to "leave me alone", they loved me so much and I loved them. I can't wrap my mind around that, though I trying.

I guess you are just going to have to ask her straight out why she doesn't enjoy your company. If you care for her, you will listen and try to compromise.

I too had a tense relationship with my Father. My parents had a wonderful relationship and were married until his death, so it wasn't an issue of a broken home. Once, I over heard him say to my Mother.. "You turned her against me".. Nothing could have been further from the truth. HE turned me against him, by not accepting me for who I was, too many.. "You should do this" "you should be like this" "You should have been a boy"..... etc.. nothing builds anger in a person more than NOT being accepted for who they are, what they WANT. I know that sometimes parents are feeling FEAR for their child that is making them say certain things and/or trying to force the child to be a certain way... but it is not going to endear you to the child. A good parent wants for their child what the child wants for themselves, not what the parent thinks is "best"

watch the movie "Monsters Ball" that movie sums it up better than anything I have ever seen. Motivating through guilt and shame might have worked back in the day. With kids these days.. it doesn't work AT ALL. They know they have power and they don't have the need to please the parent. If they are not accepted for who they are.. they don't think it's them, they know it's "you" ( or Us, as a parent myself, I'm not singling you out.. I really hope it works out for you)

Shasta, it is not a matter of wanting her to be someone that I want her to be. It is a matter of instilling a sense of responsibility (taking ownership of what is hers and contributing to a common cause), fulfilling those and reaping the satisfaction and boost to ego and self worth one derives from accomplishment is all. Btw, I have never wanted her to be a boy, I have loved every minute of her being exactly who she is, which includes being a girl. Furthermore, she was the easiest child to raise, which is another reason why I am so caught off guard. I am not a perfect parent, I freely admit mistakes such as admitting that I likely "hounded" her too much to do things I asked of her while at work, instead of playing on her phone the entire day (during summer). I requested these things not that I couldn't easily do them myself, but that she would be the benefactor of the reward of accomplishment and not the pain I felt she was instead getting from doing nothing more than phone time and watching TV. The "chores" were things that could be done in less than an hour as I understood it is her summer and want her to be able to relax as well.

She did text me tonight saying "love you, too", in response my 3 word "I love you" email to her a few days ago. Haven't heard those words in awhile, it's hope.

Hey, want to adopt my kids? You sound like a fantastic father!

I'd give my left arm for a co-parent that was also expecting chores, respect, and responsibility!


Just a thought. Could this be just a normal phase of a kid being overloaded with high school work and putting friends first?

In any case, my best advice is to bond, bond, bond with her. Keep with the expectations, but beyond that share time with her on her terms. Offer to take her and her friends to the movies then out for a snack. Ease drop on the kids in the car as they talk to each other. It's amazing how much I learn.

In fact, volunteer to be the driver for anything involving more than one kid. (One kid in a car either has headphones on, or is sulky because they want them on and their mom has made up a rule that they can't have them on....) With more than one kid, they will talk more openly about more things...

I wish you the best,
Patti

Could it be her mother has alienated your daughter from you??? Was it a bitter divorce?

I ask this since your daughter is cutting off that entire side of her life..

I'd back off, just keep saying "I love you... how are you... can I help in any way..." and listen. That's all. Just listen.

She may come around...

Hugs.

Thanks Patti, I appreciate the kind words. It's amazing really and probably adds to feel despair I feel, the fact is I have had little girls at my home overnight nearly every weekend (yes, single male, never seemed weird and was trusted) and I loved it. Watching 5 little girls sing and dance to Momma Mia, was a classic...I still laugh at that. 2 of them became like my own and still are. I have have driven those kids around the world, it seems...but I didn't mind...I loved them, too.

Patti, I think you are right to an extent, certainly phase of life, friends , hormones plays a significant part. DeliAnnem, is right too, inasmuch that when conflict arose between ED and I, when she would complain to her mom (educated speculation), her mom likely replied something like "yeah, your dad can be that" or in some other way undermine me and confirm in ED that she was right and I was wrong and intimate that in many ways that I was just a general pain in the butt. Instead of doing as I did (btw, not to portray myself as super dad...I'm not) and backing up her mom, regardless of how I destructive I feel she is. She her mom, she's a good mom...she just unfortunately feels that I am not necessary and a impediment in her life. Well, now I'm not. No coordinating anymore with "her dad", life is grand.

So, parental alienation of under current sorts...probably. If my ED is not explained another perspective and in fact, her "teen' emotional perspective (assuming is it flawed to a degree - "dad is mean, rude, a jerk" etc.) is further validated by those she currently trusts...it will take awhile I suppose, before she has room to see. She is good kid, angry and darn near unholy these days, but a good kid.

I appreciate you taking the time to comment and hope you have good evening and weekend. God bless us all.

I'm sorry you are hurting, but I am not that naive. There is no child that would refuse to see her father for NO reason. Something big traumatized her and you are making her out to be the "bad one".

Also, she doesn't owe anyone anything, as someone else has mentioned., especially just because of a biological relation or elder age.

Alice, in what way am I trying to "make her out to be the bad one"?