I think you just need to open up lines of communication with your daughter and ask her WHY she doesn't enjoy your company.

I have to say your thoughts on "it's a phase of life" " could be hormones" "her Mom undermined me"
are all forms of denial that you are half of the equation.
The people on this "support" board who are telling you the cotton candy what you want to hear stuff, ARE NOT doing you any favors.

They are putting you in a mind set of continuing to blame others and remain in the "victim" role. When they are on another message board and people come on complaining about their Fathers. Their advice is... "Go NO CONTACT"

The best advice is try to control the only person you CAN control.
You! Take action to find out what your daughter wants.
If it's something you are unwilling to give her or do for her. Be honest with her and tell her that it's a deal breaker, if it's something you might be able to do for her, then do it.

But don't accuse her of being brain washed, hormonal or any of those things, cause that is not cool. That is akin to calling her stupid.







You want a good relationship with your daughter, you are going to have to ask her what YOU can do to achieve that, and listen to her.

What's done is done.

But I'd never have let my kids just quit seeing or having a relationship with their father. Custody issues are parental issues not kid choices.

Given a choice, my kids would have skipped going out to California to see their dad last summer. Instead I pushed HARD for them to spend the whole summer. My ex wanted it, but was too fearful of alienating them to ask.

The whole time out there they whined (well they whine here too...they've become teens...).

However since they've been back, they've texted him more, and tell me more about his thoughts on various subjects...so I know they've been talking.


I get the idea of asking your kids "why". I just don't think it's valid. School's not a choice, so I don't need to know why they don't want to go. The doctor isn't a choice. Seeing their dad's not a choice. Seeing me isn't a choice. And their chores aren't a choice.

(Homework, more or less IS a choice, because my kids are now choosing their own classes. And if my son wants an AP class, it's his choice.)

The cut off is high school graduation. That's when it becomes a choice. That's also when parental financial support becomes a choice...

I found this odd.. " school is not a choice, so I don't need to know why they don't want to go"

yikes!

I guess the Dylan Redwine case traumatized me. He didn't want to go to his court ordered visitation with his Father, and his Mother made him, that didn't turn out too well.

We all have different perceptions on life and parenting.

As Dr. Phil says.... "How's that working out for you"

Kids are just people who WILL remember how they were treated when their parents had all the power and they had none. plain and simple.

I agree with the concept that once they are 18.. it's a choice on both parties.

If his daughter comes to the verbal abuse board and states her "piece"... I wonder what your advice would be to her. hmmmm

I think the OP is venting how he's feeling and he's hurting...

I do agree that I would perhaps have a sit down with your daughter when things are nice and calm and ask her 'what's been going on... I've had the impression that you're unhappy about something"... Big hug...xo

There is a Christian song I think by Jeremy Camp where he speaking to God about the "whys" and suffering in the world. He tells God "I a ill-equiped to understand and God reply is of course, it is not yours to understand, but to have faith and trust. So as much as he wants to understand, he limited by that of which he can't change.

I almost feel like the subject in the song, as much as I want to understand her reasons (and I do very much), it is still difficult. I am sure I have hurt her by "hounding" for lack of a better word about doing things (clean, take the dog for a walk, etc.) that I felt she should do. I know I have my share of blame in this, make no mistake........

I once read an estrangement story where woman described how she had little contact with her teen daughter for a couple of years and how crushed she was when one Saturday she ran into some friends with whom had a daughter that was friends with hers. They commented on the graduation they had just attended and beautiful her daughter looked..... My daughter will be a senior. Just relating this story makes me weak in the knees. I want to fix this, but not sure I can. I don't blame her mom for this, only to the extent that I know she very okay with, which boggles the mind...soulless.

I am far from an "ideal" parent, this I am certain...but I love, I'm a hugger and have told her daily I love her. Seems she should at a minimum know that she is loved and valued by me. My parents were far from perfect as well (drove me nuts sometimes and could really tick me off), but I have always known that my brother (adopted) and I were loved beyond anything. That was enough for me...to forgive their missteps and the 5% of the time they were basic idiots and instead to embrace the 95% of the time they weren't.

I think things will get better now that she is an adult. You have not gone into detail about her specific reasons on why she doesn't enjoy your company. I'm left to assume that she perceives you to be a very "power over" sort of person, I could be wrong, but again, you haven't shared with us why she is telling you she doesn't wish to see you.

But when she is over 18, maybe she will want your company because without you telling her what she should do.. your finer qualities will show themselves to her.

Just keep showing her you love her and I'm sure she will respond in a positive way!

Shasta, as a parent I feel it is my responsibility to "tell" (your word) her what to do. She is a child and if left to the whims of a confusing chaotic distorted world, she would be left with few tools in which to discern bad from good, you see...she is a child. I will never apologize from tending to my child as a farmer tends to his crops to keep the weeds out, I prefer a more weedless child - for her. I may have been too harsh, certainly...for which I have apologized and acknowledged to her and expressed my desire to change this. Sorry to seem harsh, but we just see the raising of our children quite differently. I admit further, that I was not as prepared for an adolescent / teen child that I should have been. Again, as much as you want me to admit my failures...I have. Your wording of things has such a negative feel "doesn't enjoy your company", "power over", "telling her what to do"...not sure your why even comment. You'll will say, because you won't accept your part of the blame / see her side. I will say, how many times must I say, I have made mistakes, could have done some things differently and said "I recognize my part of the blame"?

What do you do, when asking your child to do something (assuming there is a time you have at least asked them to brush their teeth) and they give the finger and a go to hell look?

Hurting: BRAVO! and Spot On!

Children are susceptible to all types of influences, so it's the responsibility of any caring parent to want to ensure their children gain the knowledge to know the difference between good and bad choices.

There's so such thing as "the perfect parent". If you think you are, you're dreaming in technicolor! Every parent makes mistakes and what happens very often with a parent of a child that becomes estranged is that they take on sole responsibility of "what went wrong". What did I do wrong as a parent responsibility, and then you second guess every step of every phase of their life of what you "must" have done wrong! After all, you are the parent, so it must be your fault as a parent... It's an exhausting and endless load of guilt that you carry around.

Every child needs guidelines or rules to follow. Patti is right, you will go to school, you will do chores, you will get the best grades you can to the best of your ability, you will learn financial responsibility and you will have a curfew.

I think what it comes down to is set up whatever rules that floats your boat in your own home. I have a BIL/SIL that raised two boys with the attitude of parents should just allow them to be themselves, let them make all their decisions on their own. And to quote "Dr. Phil", (who isn't always right just because it came out of his mouth) "How's that working out for ya" It didn't because the oldest crippled himself drinking/driving and drag racing! And the other son is a carbon copy of the affluenza teen, Ethan Couch!

It also wouldn't fall within the realm of disbelief to suggest that after a divorce, one parent just might take an itsy, bitsy opportunity here and there to influence their child in a negative way against the other parent. I mean, after all, I've seen this myself on the Dr. Phil show.. lolllllllll

I would also add here that from what you've posted Hurting out here that there are many, many unlucky children in this world that would be extremely grateful to have you as a parent. A parent who generally cares about their children's physical and emotional well being.

I think the thing is.... We can tell kids that we want them to do certain actions "for their own good" but if for some reason they don't "buy it".. if they feel that in reality we want them to do the action for OUR own good instead.. some kids might dig in their heels.

Ok, so you've admitted you've made mistakes. That's good. Now move forward from a place of building a relationship with an adult daughter. An Adult ( one that you don't try to weed)

I also think as a person who wanted to raise a child from the perspective of weeding crops, you were at a disadvantage. Your situations( being divorced) already put down many "weeds" so trying to keep a "weed less" child in the midst of a weedy situation is really challenging. The expectations have to be adjusted in those situations in my opinion.

Keep lines of communication open, ask if there is anything She needs and be willing to help if you can. keep the phrase "You should" and all other un asked for advice to a minimum and hopefully she will come around.

Question. Is she involved in any activities that you know of? Plays? Sports? Anything?

Have you gone to watch her?

I agree Pd, there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

humans are unpredictable, ever changing, fluid creatures! There are no guarantees..

I would say your BIL and SIL's son's tragedy was just that a tragic accident, not proof of their bad parenting.

The op is lucky because yesterday is gone and we always have a fresh chance as long as we are here.. So call her up and ask her out for ice cream!

Like Oprah says.. "When we know better. We Do Better" ha ha

I am just loving these quotes.

Oh Good Grief! does anyone have a "weed wacker" out here?????

The level of piety is too much for me and still be able to digest my lunch today...

Shasta, you couldn't be more wrong! It's bad parenting to the core! But, that's not a conversation that I'd even debate!

It's the accusatory tones/attitudes and innuendo that parents of estranged children have to endure that simply makes me laugh at this point. I've learned a long time ago to let go of the pious whomevers that sit in their homes and judge others. These are the exact folks that project perfectionism in their own homes to only find out that "that AIN'T the truth). Trust, me this comes from my own family members and friends... and not the folks out here.

We just need to "weed" out the advice that applies to us and toss in the compost heap what doesn't apply to our situations.

What do you call accusing your BIL and SIL of bad parenting?

THAT"S not judgment?

You won't debate it because you know you are being just as judgmental as you are accusing me of being, so yeah.. I guess we should all take it for what it is worth.

a bunch of people who like to converse with strangers on the internet.

Cough