Yawn!

I've been gone the past week as I needed to be my thoughts. We do the best we can and unless our failures include willful neglect, abuse of any kind (telling your child to "get up off your butt and get that room cleaned" is NOT abuse..."get up off your lazy fat ass"...IS). I would suspect that few parents are guilty of this, to those that are...grow up, seek forgiveness and do right from this point forward.

She plays soccer, sings in ensembles and is a good child...just going through teen "confusment" (I made that word up).

She has been texting me a little and recently texted my ex-girlfriend stating that she "missed her Dad". So we (I) will take it slow and be as of forgiving and forgetting heart as I know to be and allow healing hopefully to seep into our relationship. I love her, I miss her terribly, but need to patient (not my strong suit).

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and well wishes. Reminder: God still does miracles!! He can for you, too!!!!! Love to you, Hurting(but hopeful)Dad

Well, it's Easter Sunday which brings to 2 years since I have seen my daughter on a holiday and mid December since I have seen her at all (met for lunch).

Most days I do okay, but today is going to stink. I praise God for Christ's resurrection and give me Him the glory, I trust He understands and forgives the anguish I feel today.

I wrote before, I wouldn't have let her cut you off. It's not a choice.

That said, what's done is done.

Young adults often don't spend ANY holidays with their families. My ex used to go back home for dinner, than right out the door to visit his friends. I used to at least help his mom clean up.

SOOO, if you want to pretend that your daughter is still there, you could spend 2 days cooking. Package up a small percentage of it and pretend that she spend 30 minutes eating it. Then put 90% of the food in take-away packages for her to take back home with her...


***My son is a volunteer firefighter. He's at the station all day today. I did get to throw chocolate bars on him when he was still in bed...***

Hoppy Easter!!!

(Tomorrow he spends all day doing the homework they piled on him for the long weekend.)

Patti, I didn't have a choice as I saw it. For the preceding 6 months prior to her refusal to go with me after spending the night with her friend (1.5 years ago), rare were the enjoyable weekends. As I saw it, she simply didn't enjoy the time here as it was away from friends, life in her mind and I guess was just a twice monthly "interruption" in her life of which she began to greatly dislike. I believe this is the reason for the difficult time we had and in general her being "difficult". She was expressing (she's not a communicator), I hated having her life disrupted. So, I tried to to remedy that by not mandating by me or court that she must stick to a 12 year visitation schedule and allowing her to decide and removing that which was causing irritation. It was my hope that this would allow for renewed attitudes and fresh perspective (was 16 and would soon have her license and driving, I knew I faced a losing battle anyway and no court is going to force a 16 y.o. to visitation and would only make worse). I thought I would be or we would be rewarded for the difficult (I know she 16, but it still hurt to let go in that way) decision I had made...but I was wrong.

I guess I am different, I always went home for the holidays. In fact, I married at 21 and wife was 19...no children, were in love and wanted to be married (both finished undergrad degrees, opened business, bought an acreage with beautiful home...all before we divorced 7 years later)...smh...

We always made time for parents/family on both sides, even though we were obviously busy with each other and life... So whereas understand your sentiment, I can't totally concur with it. But I am glad you got some chocolate to your son. : )

Well, still have not from my daughter. It has been over a month since I have heard her voice and have not gotten a text in awhile. I had emailed her a number of weeks ago to let her know that our dog (her dog, chocolate Lab) had e-ray confirmed severe hip dysplasia and that she would likely have to be put down within 6 months to a year so she would have time to spend some time with her and take her for a short walk or whatever she wanted. She did text saying she would do that. Well, as it turns out our dog (firm loved member of our family - Lucy) is getting worse quickly and in pain (taking meds, etc.) and I will be forced to do unthinkable sooner than I thought. I thought likely next week, but she seems a little better today, trying a different med...so we'll see. But I did text my daughter with unfortunate update just so she has a chance to see her if she wants and to do what she wants and not feel badly about her decision. I didn't go see my grandmother (had bad brain tumor) after driving away from her home that last time (she was able to walk me out with a little assistance and say goodbye, but I knew I wouldn't see her again (her thinking was worsening at this time anyway). But she meant the world to me and I just couldn't face seeing her that way. She lived 4 hours away or I probably would have, but she was gone within a month. So, I guess I represent heartache for her now. I haven't heard anything since my text yesterday and likely won't, but I didn't want to do what I don't want to do without her knowing before hand, because I didn't want her to have that to hold against also. However, she hasn't made time for Lucy either, so why am I concerned about it? I am damned if I do and you know the rest.

Oh hugs.

I've written and deleted 4 different types of responses. Everything from my experience, to kids being only ours for a short time. I'm just not sure what to say for comfort. I wonder too if kids don't turn out exactly opposite of what we expect...or not...who knows. I'm not there yet with my kids. In many ways I've never expected any of this...so each day is a gift. If it ends tomorrow, I'll still be the happiest mom on the planet.

My daughter is sleeping in the living room near me. I can hear her breathing. My son gets his braces off tomorrow.

Life is short. I guess I could look at what I'm missing, but then I'd miss the minute I'm in.

Enjoy your life anyway. Don't put it on hold for her to find you.

Hugs.

Thanks Patti. I suppose I am too simple to understand. I just don't... I know my house likely got boring to her and her mom's house probably felt or feels like home base and when there she doesn't feel out of the loop and simply it makes sense to her and her life simple...I guess. That's okay, I can grasp that but to make so little time for me her dad seems odd to me and the hand full of times I did see her over the past year and half it was at my urging, not like she just came by. She has soccer game (I still get emails from school) and I here at home. I sure seem like a whiner but I'm not...just really hate this and even more hate the fact I can do nothing about it...dang. I need to let go and have tried, but I don't know how. To top it all off, while I watch my dog break down...I have a business I run from my home and made a mistake that is going to cost me some me money (I sell Native jewelry over the internet and mixed up rings, one was $500 the other $30....guess which buyer can't reach...). My dad lives with me, he doesn't get out much anymore, but made mistake of telling him in passing and he pops off...So I don't see my daughter, dog is dying, cost myself $500 and my dad decides to be an ass....WOW. It is wonder I haven't had a heart ache yet. I do everything for that jerk and he has be an ass. He's gonna be out on his soon.

huugggs to you....Please sourround yourself with people who make you feel good and valued. Volunteer or join a community group if you can

Thank you Sparkie and Bit for the well wishes good counsel. I guess I was receiving posts by telepathy because I did start volunteering with a tornado disaster recovery project working with clients to speed repair so they can get back in their homes. It is a perfect fit especially given my admittedly anxious and saddened state of mind many days. It is a nice break and helps...and surrounded by nice and Godly people.

I do pretty well most days, as I try to stay busy and not think too much...but it is those moments when I recognize how beautiful a Saturday is or the late evenings when I realize another day or another week / weekend has passed that I will not even have the opportunity to speak with her...this is when the heavy sighs begin. She won't call, take my call and seldom returns my text messages (which I try to keep to a minimum and yes Bit I am the King of Goofy...that's never a problem...lol.) She has asked me to basically just leave her alone and not contact her. So, texts are a minimum but even then probably too much for her. I am at a place where whatever I do, it's wrong.

I did go to her soccer game on Monday. It was the final game of the year, so I thought I would go hopefully not be seen. So I arrived just after it started and was immediately spotted by her and so I sat and watched until I felt so uncomfortable a few minutes before halftime and left. I wasn't sure if she had seen me, but I reasoned that leaving early would likely be the best thing as I wouldn't put her in an uncomfortable situation and generally avoid any potential drama...not that we ever had drama before...but things have changed. I am completely out of the loop beside the emails I get from her school. In fact, I received an email that was sent to all the soccer parents asking for help providing the meals for the kids on game days. So, I sent a low key email to back to her coach saying that I could and would help. I never heard a word from her, except another email the next day saying they are still in need of food help. I guess my money is no good. So yeah, shut out. Oh, I did text her that night and fibbed saying I had a meeting, but that her team looks real good and that I love her.

I don't blame her mom for this, however it has always been apparent that she never "backed" me up and I didn't care as I couldn't change her and didn't affect me, until now. to be fair, I don't like my ex-wife any more than she likes me, but I backed her up when daughter was griping or whatever unfairly. I wish she had done the same.

I feel my daughter has reached a decision that she won't see me at all during the remainder of her high school, she is junior. I am pretty certain I won't see her for years and the fact that is even remotely possible just blows my mind and hurts my heart. I hope I'm wrong. Thank you for your encouragement, concern and good counsel. I appreciate it and if I can be of help or lend an ear, please do not hesitate to ask. May God rest our worrisome minds and may we all feel His peace.

Okay, the soccer coach is a real person too. Probably has a teenager for themselves, work, life, who knows? Maybe a sick relative?

If the coach doesn't get back to you within 24 hours...give them a break. They may have a dozen emails to read through. Why not just go to a game and bring snacks? Or why not even take over that responsibility? Collect the money, go buy the snacks, and bring them to all of the games? That may take a significant responsibility off of someone else's shoulders and onto your own...and give you a regular chance to see your daughter.

As for volunteering for the tornado victims...that's awesome. I have fantastic memories of volunteering the whole summer for flood victims when I was 18. (I'm atheist....great to be surrounded by atheists too...just saying.)

Well, I guess your daughter is the one who knows best what she has went through for all of these years. She doesn't owe anyone anything. And yes, your parents may be old, but that does not mean she is required to want to be with them. I'm sure there is more to this.

It sucks being a child having no rights and always being owned. When you are an adult, you finally get to choose who is worth it. I'm sure she will make the right choice.

Patty, I understand what you are saying about taking responsibility and taking snacks, lunch, etc. However, at this point I feel if I overtly thrust myself into her school / soccer functions it would not be met well and likely seen as an attempt to "win favor", guilt or something other than what it actually is...just a parent lending a hand to help with his daughter's activities because that involved parents do. Why? Because they love their child, want to know their friends and teachers, to show the child they are a priority and just to be generally involved with their child to continue to nurture the parent / child relationship and simply to enjoy the little extra time with their child. Now, I had received as the other soccer parents emails from the coach reminding them of meal needs and though I would normally promptly offer my help, I have been reluctant due to the current status of relationship with her. At this writing, I have basically no communication with her. I have done as you suggested with minimal (a couple a week unless she has engaged me) lighthearted texts, goofy funny to sending her a song / video expressing my love. So, I offered to assist with the meals...having never done that and lack of specificity in the coach's request and also feeling it best to lean toward anonymity if possible, I offered to just pay for the meals or to bring them to the school and also asked what would normally be their meals. Of course, I give the coach a break, however her emailed meal requests expressed great urgency and a little parent condemnation as in "parents get on the ball and give me some help". Which I suppose is why I offered when I had not before and was not doing it as an attempt to show how great a parent I am or to win favor with my child...in fact I feared it would anger her...thus I sent a very direct I can help, just let me know how and left my number so if immediate help was needed, it could get done. I know I am in the weeds with this whole soccer meal thing, just saying it seems I am damned whatever I do.

Alice, I have admitted that I was ill prepared to deal effectively with my teen daughter. I know I could "harp" at her and basically ask every wrong question and likely said many wrong things. I have always known better than to use words like lazy, stupid, fat, crazy, etc. However, I likely didn't have to as I probably indicated this to her with other words less taboo, but equally hurtful to a teen I just didn't understand. I should have just walked away sometimes understanding that maintaining her trust was more important than driving a wedge by expecting immediate response and change. I love my daughter, but I can I be a little stupid. To be clear, I don't yell at her I just did things with good intent and in what I thought was a positive way...was actually hurting her.

Alice, there is one other possibility...she may well be suffering from a mental or emotional disorder. I don't think she is, it is a possibility as she has demonstrated symptoms / signs of borderline personality disorder. Not saying she has, she very likely does not. However, I am moderately concerned but I have no way of knowing. You intimated that she has gone through something, she may well have besides my inadequate understanding and poorly relating to a teen daughter as admitted, but I have no idea what it would be. There has never been abuse, neglect, etc. I'm a good and loving father to a good child of which I have always been immensely proud. We're just broken right now and I pray it gets fixed selfishly for me because I enjoy and miss the time with her and moreover for her, because I believe she benefits from having a healthy relationship and bond with me, her dad.

I HAD DINNER WITH MY DAUGHTER TONIGHT. I had sent her a text today (Saturday) reminding her of my love and commitment to her and willingness to do whatever might help remedy what is causing our separation. I also expressed that I hope she is okay and that I love and miss her. Well, I suppose the right combination of words coupled possibly with good timing (perhaps she was missing me too), she sent me photos taken at prom and a nice message. I told she looked beautiful and asked a couple prom questions and told her I sure would love to talk with and hear all about it. She called...we had nice warm chat and decided to talk more over dinner.

I met her in town, we took my car and I just randomly drove for about 45 minutes as I listened and laughed with her as she shared her stories of time with her friends, etc. We finally stopped and at dinner while continuing our tension free, happy time together. When finished I took her back to car, where we sat for awhile both still enjoying our non-blaming, unfettered, tension free visit. She told me many times she loved me and even without prompting (staying away from anything short of happy), said she knew she overreacted about my calling her teacher and expressed that given the situation, it was reasonable. I say this not that I need that from her, I don't...but what it shows me is some maturing, introspection and her desire to put this behind us and move forward...further confirmed when she spoke of how difficult her playoff soccer game would be come Tuesday and asked if I would be free to come and cheer cheer them on. It was a wonderful visit, where I think both parties are tired of the fight and want to be good again.

Today, I'm HappyDad and thankful for this opportunity for a re-do. Easy as we go forward, let it occur naturally as we rebuild the bonds of trust. I believe we will be okay and have weathered the storm. Thanks to you that have offered comment and encouragement. May His peace be yours also.