The real issue here isn't the holiday scheduling. There are some deeper relationship problems where there is a total disregard to your feelings/family and schedule. It sounds to me that your partner is mostly into her family and her own wishes rather than yours.

You may want to talk to her about couples counseling if that's an option for you.

It sounds to me more like a power struggle between your partner and her family...

I think it's important that a person always take care of issues with 'their' family not the partner as all it does is cause resentment and the struggle begins

Does your partner see these things as a problem?...If not therein lies the problem.... She loves her family and it doesn't 'sound' to me like you live close is that the case??.. Or does she see them very often?
I think it's your partner that you need to work this out with... Big hug...x

thankyou for your helpful replies you both have raised valid points. yes the real issue isn't the holiday scheduling and yes it does seem like a power struggle. my partners family doesn't live close by the nearest is one of her sisters a hour and a half away. but although elderly parents live close by who meet up with once a week to help them shopping my family live about the same distances as hers. but apart from wedding etc i don't make a big issue of not going to see them. but my resentment is caused by my partners lack of willingness to go anywhere with me unless she wants to go. yet her niece asks her to go with something and she says yes and gets excited ,gets up early to leave early etc.i will give you two instances .her niece asked to go to a comic con (didnt ask me) she said yes. this was about 3 weeks in advance but then i saw a custom car show was on that weekend but my partner said she had already promised her niece. this comic con was on the saturday and sunday my partner was going on the sunday. but i saw her niece on a social networking site had already been on the saturday so i suggested as her niece had already been we could go to the car show but she said no she was still going on the sunday with her niece making the excuse there was different actors there on the sunday.i checked their website it was the same actors both days. so her niece got to go out both days while i didn't get to go out to somewhere i wanted to go. now there is another show i want to go to this weekend its a truckfest stars from lizard lick towing and ice truckers are going to be there,i say i would like to go she shows no interest and said i would have to pay for us both to get in ,the last time she said that i did pay for us both to go to a airshow ,once there she demands i buy her food then insisted we left a hour before the show finished and i missed alot of the flying. so with this up coming truck show i tell her who is going to be there she just says shes never heard of them,well i know she had never heard of the actors at this comic con they had only played bit parts . so thats one example. my second example her niece rings and asks her to go over and see a film with her again not asking me. my partner says yes. i said yesterday i wanted to see the new ab fab movie it has over 60 stars in it. she showed no interest what so ever. yet i bet if her niece rang asking her to go with her to see it she would say yes. i have gone to things with my partner i have had little interest in ,i have sat through plenty of films she has wanted to see but i'm not really interested in . shes taking some of her family abroad for ten days because they wanted someone who could drive to take them no one once asked if i minded. she said when she got back she would take me there but then i found out by chance she was wanting to take her sister and her family as well so taking me was just a excuse to take her sister and family which includes her niece. i could see it taking them everywhere they wanted to go and me just trailing on behind. but since she found out her sister has already planned going there with a friend my partner hasn't mentioned going so i think that is proof. but it hurts when she will do anything for her family willingly but i have to beg for her to take me anywhere if it doesnt interest her.

You've written about your partner several times before.

I guess my question is: Do you want to leave? It doesn't sound like your partner is changing. Or maybe you just want to vent?

Everyone is a mixture of stuff we like and stuff we don't. Maybe the relationship is worth it for other issues. But I'm not there, I don't know.

In any case, I sympathize. Hugs,
Patti

sorry i'll try and write clearer lol i tried planning this years holiday before last christmas but partner showed no interest so i just went ahead and booked it in about feb i did though run the dates by her and she was fine with it.

that is until her mother kicked off reminding her that was the dates they all have their "traditional" holiday camp holiday. then it was hell for a while being accused by the pair of them of booking that week on purpose.

i tried to discuss our relationship tonight ,in my relationships i have always put my partner first . but my partner told me tonight she comes with baggage her friends and family although she has few friends now days.

i have no problem with sometimes a partner putting their family first thats part of life ,but i do have a big problem when a partner puts her family first everytime.

she went on about all the things she has brought me lately but i don't buy her anything.but i told her i am not materialistic,offering to wash up,little things like that would mean more to me.

then she said she showed me more affection than i do her,i was honest with her and tried explaining that i have built up alot of resentment and i don't feel like showing affection.

in my mind i have explained many times what she does make me feel hurt and upset .

I think that your problem is with you partner sweet.... She's the one who keeps disappointing you... She chooses where she wants to go or not...

I'm wondering if you'll ever get what you hope for in this relationship... She keeps the barriers going by not including you with those she considers family and that would hurt a lot... I'm thinking you are projecting the anger onto her family when it really should be directed at her... She could include you in all of these things if she wanted to

I'm not trying to hurt you by writing this .. Maybe you should weigh the pro's and con's... It doesn't sound like she's going to change... Big hug... xo

i have told her i am using the ten days she is away on her "family" holiday to seriously think about things and maybe i will like the idea of living on my own ,and it will be a test to see if i am ok on my own as with my mental illness i have abandonment issues which she or her family do not even consider. for example if its one of her nieces or nephews birthdays just going to visit for a few hours means i could go but they ask her to stay overnight so i can't go because of our dogs. when this "family" holiday first came up first she said it was for 8 days. but then she said she would be going a day early so she could pick all her family members up.then when they come back instead of dropping them off she is staying overnight at her aunts then dropping her uncle off the next day excuse being she doesn't want a long drive. so it seems to me she isn't in a hurry to get back home. but then recently she told me shes bringing her aunt back here with her for a few days which will mean another trip taking her back and after ten days i thought she would had wanted some time on her own with me plus all i will hear is about their holiday which i'm not the slightest bit interested in. i have mentioned i don't want her aunt here as i would like time alone with her after 10 days but again she has ignored my feelings. just like her family does.

it's my house. when we first got together one of the first questions i asked her would she put me as first priority. her answer was she would prioritize who ever needed her most. i took this to mean if say one of her family was ill she would put them first which was commendable nothing wrong in that. i had asked her this because in my last relationship my partner put her family before me ,thats a long story but i knew it wasn't just me as my friends was saying she did as well. so when i went into this relationship i asked her because i didn't want to go through what i did in my last relationship my partner is well aware of the extent my ex put her family before me. but my partner now is putting her family first everytime unlike my ex who although put her family first she would not go and visit them without i was with her . my partner now has no problem leaving me at home.
i met my current partner as i was breaking up with my ex. my current partner would say how my ex knew my mental health triggers so would use this to trigger me.

but i have countless times explained to my partner that her attitude is upsetting and hurtful.but everytime she turns it round on me. she never says like i would "lets work this out together".

during the phone conversation i overheard with her mother i heard my partner say she would make sure i didn't arrange anything on her family birthdays and this traditional family holiday again.then was asking her mum family birthdays and was writing them on our calendar. then her mum was telling her ,her other sister was planning a birthday party for her 65th birthday my partner said that was a good idea.

thing is her mums birthday is not many days before my partners and i had already brought tickets for a show for my partners birthday as a surprise. and i think this party will be on the saturday the same day i got tickets for this show. so i left it a few weeks and told my partner i had got us tickets for this show. she was excited about it,but didn't realize it may well be the same day as her mums party. but here is my problem ,i know she won't want to cancel going to this show but i do think she will want to rush back to her mums party which will cause a row because i have planned a nice meal after the show and staying overnight in a hotel as a treat.

then no doubt i will have her mother accusing me of booking this show on purpose. i'm sick of her family and the way they think they should come before me and my partner thinking that way to.
when a person says they come with baggage to me that means they have children. not sisters.nieces and nephews etc. most of us have family ,most of us wouldnt describe them as baggage.

i am buying the house we live in. her mother has told me her daughter should not pay towards things like decorating etc as it's my house. but just pay her half of the bills and food.

when we have talked about marriage she just wanted everything to suit her family. a cheap venue with family rooms that are cheap for her family. can't bring our dogs because her nephew is scared of dogs. can't have a live band she wanted a disco so people can dance. you get the gist of what i'm saying. i told her i did not want her aunt or mother arranging anything as they take over she said i had to let them as that was just what they was like. so after several attempts to discuss getting married i told her i had changed my mind as she would not compromise . anyway it would be a big mistake to even think of getting married especially as she has only just told me she comes with baggage her family.

during one heated discussion she said she had had more relationships than me although that was a good thing,most of her relationships has lasted less than a year. the longest she has had was 7 years but they split up and got back together again in that time.
this ex of her she was with 7 years i have had long conversations with (she was with her about 20 years ago) she told me my partner was just the same with her family and one particular sister could not stand on her own two feet. i told her things hasn't changed this sister still didn't.

as to what i am going to do about this all i'm going to have to think long and hard about,i'm 55 now and still havent found a good relationship,its not like i expect too much,i believe a relationship is a partnership. where most things should be discussed and if there is a problem work through it together . not like when my partner said her aunt had asked her to drive her and two uncles abroad on holiday but she said she would discuss it with me first. i said let me think about it she says she was going to take them anyway despite what i said she only asked me out of curtsy. so what was the point in asking me if she was going anyway?

then to tell me she would take me abroad to the same place when all along she was planning it so she could take her sister and her family with us,so in actual fact making out she wanted to take me was just a excuse so she could take her sister. now she knows her sister is going but with her friend my partner hasnt mentioned taking me ...hmmm .

i only knew what she was planning when i overheard her on the phone talking to her mum saying she was going to keep the locations they went to on this holiday on her sat nav so she could take her sister to the same places. oh boy the row that happened then between us. i put my foot down and told her i wanted it to be just us two that went ,she sniped back ok we would go on our own but she would still be taking her sister at another time.

so you can see what i'm going through i hope. i have never been abroad and my first trip abroad i always thought would be special just my partner and i . her sister has had holidays abroad .

but how do i get it across to my partner that although i dont expect to be put first everytime i do expect that she see's me as a partner who she should consider and before saying yes to her family discuss it with me first but not ignore what i say and do what they or she wants anyway. i will admit i do not want her to go abroad and won't be back for 10 days. had she had given me the choice i would had said i wasn't happy about it and wish she would say no as she knows i have abandonment issues as part of my mental illness.

she says she would have no problem if i wanted to go on holiday and leave her at home but thats not the point i'm not like her.

i'm in the uk. we have council houses that you rent from the local council quite a few years ago the right to buy scheme was brought in. so if a person wishes to buy the house they are renting they get a discount off the market value. so that is what i am in the process of doing buying the house i'm currently renting.

i first met my partner as just a friend,the relationship i was in was already in tatters,i'll explain . i met my ex on a online chatroom . basically she said she had only slept with two men while confused by her sexuality. but soon after we got together she admitted she had slept with that many men she couldnt remember how many as she was drunk everytime. ok i was shocked but by then i was in love with her. everything was great until she moved in with me ,she changed. suddenly this highly sexual woman hardly ever wanted to be intimate but 3 times a year . but i believed her stream of constant excuses. but then i had to give up work. she said she was not paying to keep my car on the road so i sold it. i could only use her car when she said so. i got paid one benefit which she never let me have any of it as she said it was going towards the bills.

i had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but one time when i tried phoning the crisis team in a suicidal state she said she needed the phone to ring her dad.so i used my mobile but she grabbed that off me. so i said we needed couple counselling and if things was no better in a year we was over. but at each counselling session she would use excuses that basically the counceller blew out the water as just that a excuse. so the year went by i was dreadfully unhappy. i got friends with my current partner she was shocked when she came round and saw the way my partner was being with me. to me it was just her being bossy,like calling me into the kitchen to get her a saucepan that was just in the cupboard behind her. shouting at me i had cut the chips wrong.etc my partner now who at the time i had confided in the time she grabbed my mobile stopping me from ringing the crisis team ,and not letting me have any money ,told me she was abusing me.
i couldn't see it,but she rang the vulnerable adults team who i agreed to meet. during the conversation they asked if they could see the texts my partner was sending me ,once they read then they told me it was not safe for me to go home at i was at risk .it was a clear case of mental and financial abuse. but i told them i had to go home i had 4 dogs. i didnt mention anything to my partner for a while. my partner now was coming round more often . then my partner then started really flirting with her,play fighting etc .

now this will sound trival but one day she said she was going to bath one of our dogs she had never bathed them it was always me who had done it. i sat with my now partner downstairs i said to her i bet she comes downstairs with a wet tee shirt no bra. lo and behold she came downstairs saying "look i got a wet tee shirt" . she then started to invite my now partner to stay overnight while she was at work ,we worked out this was because she wanted her there when she came home in the mornings for some weird reason. i had more meeting with the vulnerable adults team who said they would be there to help me but i was not safe at home with my partner. she was purposely triggering my mental illness. then one night while she was at work me and my now partner was talking and it just happened we kissed and things went from there. i dare not tell my then partner ,she continued to try and flirt with my now partner. then two weeks later i told her the truth. she took one of our dogs and would not tell me where i found out too late she had took him to a rehoming center. she stole some of my family antiques which luckily i found packed in her stuff before she got it out the house. i ended up in a mental health respite house. eventually after pressure from the vunerable adults team she agreed to move out . but on the day she was suppose to move out she said she wasnt leaving until it was dark as she could only drive to where she oringnally lived in the dark. darkness fell but she still sat there then started to say she was now too tired to drive and started getting really nasty i was scared so i called the police who was already aware of the situation, she was then escorted from my house. but she just went round our neighbours. i was in fear so we decided to go out into town until she had left altogether a couple of hours later we saw her go by. when we got back we saw that she had actually urinated on one of the bedroom floors,before the police made her leave she had reckoned she had left something upstairs.

so thats the explanation how i got with my current partner while i was still with my ex

i think it would be fair to say most of my relationships haven't been good. it kinda gets me thinking is it me?

i understand what you are saying. toxic people bring me down.
we have just had another row in which she has just stormed off to bed just after lunch. again it was over her family. but i'm entitled to my opinion but she didn't like it. i was honest and said i couldnt take to her 22 year old niece and you can't like everyone thats human nature.

it all started when i was reading out our local paper two events was coming up one in our town the other about 40 miles away. she wanted to go i thought great.then she said we could take her 22 year old nice to the one 40 miles away.

i tried explaining nicely that as we rarely go out i would like it to be just us not her family tagging along. but she wasn't understanding me or didn't want to. so i put it another way i couldn't stand being around her niece more than a few hours as i can't forget the way she has been rude and nasty to me a few years ago.i was just being honest.
she called me selfish and said i never want her family with us(hit the nail on the head lol) . but when her niece invites my partner she never invites me along so seriously why would i want to invite her to anything we go to.

i told my partner when we go out i want to go where i please without having to go where they want to go. i've been to places with her sister and niece before and it has been all what they wanted to do and my partner never says oh well we will do what we want to do and meet back somewhere.

the last event we went to with them (had to invite myself as i wasn't asked) was in a seaside town ,after a boring hour looking round this comic con i wanted to look round the shops as i hadnt been there before. but no her sister said she had got some food in for us so we had to go back there. as for the food ,it was a dry old bread roll with cheese in that was it. it was crap about she had got food in for us she just didnt want me to go shopping with my partner.

am i being unreasonable about not wanting to go on outings with her family in tow. even holidays she has suggested wanting them with us.
i wasn't going to tell her i didn't like her niece but she didn't want to listen to me .

no doubt she is upstairs now evaluating our relationship now i dare say i don't like her precious niece

What I would do if I were you Sweetpea is put a list of relationship pros and cons with this partner. I'm sure the cons will outweigh the pros.

There's nothing unreasonable about your expectations. Every relationship has to be 50-50 or there is no relationship; at least not a mutually happy one anyway.

Your relationship based on what you've posted is more like a 95-5. Your partner is more emotionally involved with her family and is not the slightest bit remorseful in the way either she nor her family treat you. This type of relationship is full of her family's excess baggage. I'd kick all that to the curb if I were you. You deserve so much more but only you can make that decision.

i tried to have a chat with her last night about how her and her family make me feel .i did get a apology but i told her saying sorry will only mean something if the next time they want her to do something etc that she says she will discuss it with me first and mean it.

at the moment its very heated here. i'm due to inherit a large cash sum which means most of our benefits stop and all she keeps saying i have cost her 1000 in benefits and is refusing to pay towards anything like bills saying she is keeping the benefits she still will be getting which will be 540 a month to spend on herself as she needs to be independant. i find this totally unreasonable for her to be in this relationship and not pay a penny towards anything.

but like i told her soon one of her benefits is going to be changed over ,basically in the uk everyone who claims disability are being changed to personal independance payments and people are either losing the benefit altogether or get half of what they was getting. i think my partner does not stand much chance of getting this new benefit so then she will only have 240 a month so once she has brought her tobacco and paid her car tax and insurance and petrol she won't have any spare money. so she can hardly come cap in hand to me for extra money after refusing to pay anything towards bills etc while she still getting her disability. also i have told her she either pays for sky tv and the internet or i will cancel it as i dont watch sky tv anyway but she spends all day and night either watching sky tv or playing on her pc.

as i told her if she helped round the house etc and treated me better it would be a different matter but why should i pay to keep her when she contributes zilt . i said if her losing 1000 in benefits meant that much to her she could move out ,all i got was "so you saying we over" not "i dont want us to finish we can work things out" before she met me she owed money to different companies her flat had demand letters that she had just thrown on the floor,yet as she hadnt paid her sky bill her mum then took it out in her name so my partner could still have sky although my partner paid for it not her mum. so really her mum has just encouraged reckless spending the wrong thing to do as my partners bi polar. i found letters from years ago from her mum sending her money because she had got into debt. so little wonder she now expects its my responsibility to keep her.

I think you've stated enough about this person to realize that she's used you, is using you and will continue to use you as long as "you" allow her to.

She finds someone in her life that depends on her emotionally and then she exhausts their resources for as long as she's allowed to. She's on disability from the government yet she's capable to taking all these trips etc.? It's an abuse of social funds meant for others who really require it.

You need to take a good look at yourself and think about what you want from a relationship in the future. Is this person it? It would be settling for less if she were.

Whether you realize it or not, your situation in a sense is abandonment by her. She's not contributing emotionally or financially. I think you are a lot stronger than you think you are and I'd rather get rid of this excess baggage person and live alone than have someone in my life that constantly reminds me of how little I mean to them. This isn't a relationship of any kind. It works for her; she found the person that will support her and put up with her selfish acts and she'll milk that relationship for as long as she's allowed to.

You'll never find that perfect person while your stuck in a relationship such as this. You deserve more than what you've received. Only you can make the changes that you need

yesterday we had a huge row she called her "mummy" saying to pick her up.my partner is 44 years old acting like a teenager. i had had a tough morning at the solicitors sorting out buying my council house i live in now. ever since i lost my dear aunt and my brother and i inherited almost everything including our late aunts house all she gone on about i'm costing her 1000 a month in benefits in actual fact nearly half of that would be my benefits. i told her it is a state hand out she is losing . not really caring that i'm still grieving ,my aunt died unexpected last september . she suffered a stroke and died 3 weeks later. so naturally i do not want to waste the money she left me out of respect . but i feel her and her mother see me as a cash mule yesterday her mum said it was only fair my partner kept the benefits she still will be getting ok she has to pay her car insurance and tax but thats under 40 a month and she has to pay for her sky tv about 85 a month but they both think its fair that she keeps her benefits she will still be getting just over 550 a month and for me to pay all the gas electric,water bill council tax and all the food just because i have all this money due very soon. so it works out once she pays her car stuff and sky she will still have just over 100 a week for herself. i felt bullied by the pair of them yesterday but let them carry on because when she has to change over to this new benefit it is unlikely she will get it or the amount will be greatly decreased. then what is she going to do? can hardly come to me asking for me to pay for her car after all she and her mother was quite clear she would pay her own car bills etc and for sky tv she insists on having. they reap what they sow. i will be tying my inheritance money up in 5 and 10 year investments making sure the only income i have is the rental income from my late aunts house my brother and i own . all her mum kept saying as i have all this money coming its only fair her daughter keeps her money and i pay the bills and for food. hmmmm she likes branded bread wont eat cheap bread .shame i wont to be able to afford branded bread no more only the cheap lol oh and cheap coffee tastes foul . of course i will be buying the good stuff for myself cant stand cheap coffee . and buy food i know she won't eat lol as she is to lazy to get off her backside to even help me do the shopping.
these past months have certainly open my eyes ,guess i didn't want to even think that about her. yes i do love her but through experience love alone doesn't make a good relationship.i thought my brother was being nasty when he said get rid of her she is nothing but a leech but she is proving him right.

so now i've got some serious thinking to do . i have borderline personality disorder one of the traits is when unhappy in a relationship starting another relationship before finishing the one they in for fear of being alone. this is what i have done in the past. i know there is a woman out there who would treat me alot better ,make me feel wanted and happy just so far i haven't found her. nearly every relationship i've had they seem fine but then their true colours emerge. i have never lived on my own mainly through fear .my ex treated me bad , i knew she was cheating on me although she never admitted it ,and it wasn't with women plus after she moved in she would only have sex 3 times a year (i know cos i could count the times lol) i think the penny finally dropped when she got drunk at her sisters wedding and she was grabbing all the men and trying to kiss them. the positive thing with my partner i have now i do trust her 100 % not to cheat on me.