Hi. My mother fills a lot of the traits in this piece. I found it interesting and had many - holy cow! - moments as I saw my mother in those words. She was a real piece of work, my mother, but not quite as bad as the examples. Thank heavens for that.

I'm so glad that this article has helped to shine a light on this subject. I have not been on in a while and was surprised to see it still going.
As an only child, I served different roles at different times for my mother. I was both a Golden Child and a Scapegoat. Whatever suited her at any moment. Any role of a child of a Narcissist is miserable since there is never a way to grow up and become a whole person. We are simply there to be an appendage to the narcissist.
A parent is supposed to be there to mirror to us what and who we are and are growing up to be and direct us in becoming better at what we are good at and who we are. A Narcissist only holds up the mirror to him or herself and expects us to guess which things we need to do to improve their comfort.
I cant see any role as the child as a narcissist as being healthy or helpful in creating a well adjusted adult.
Once we are out on our own we realize we have none of the skills we need to relate to the outside world. We have only learned to adjust to a crazy persons whims.

Carina - you said: "Once we are out on our own we realize we have none of the skills we need to relate to the outside world. We have only learned to adjust to a crazy persons whims."

OMG - this is so true of me. I see my friends from years and years ago. There are so many things I don't know and didn't know.
I am never comfortable in my skin and felt truly ignored. I once told my mother that a couple of years ago and she flew off the handle screaming that she was providing for me - a nice house, a roof over my head, food on the table, etc. See the bigger picture here is that SHE was an accountant - SHE was special. That was the message. I spoke with my counselor about that and she said anyone can provide the basic needs - your mother was there for you as the only female in the family to show you your role in the world. She was way too busy drinking and being important. She didn't come see me for three years marching in the band. I played for four years in the band. She says she never came because I quit too soon. WHAT three years of marching and making state. She had plenty of time, etc. etc. I could never do enough and to bring this up to her now on an adult level - all she can do is scream that I have nothing good to say about her. I just simply wanted the conversation because then I believed that she hadn't realized - well she realizes - she just doesn't want to talk about it so that it doesn't tarnish her reputation. So I just need to shut up. I was only speaking to her about it. The last conversation I had with her was on August 3rd after she screamed at me, told me to continue seeing a counselor because I needed more help then called me a Mother F----er. I stayed in the adult the whole time. What I didn't see coming was her anger, but she is an alcoholic in denial as well. But she convinced me that she didn't realize the way she behaved towards me initially. Now I know she knows and just wants me to shut the heck up. (for nicer ways to say it).

CORRECTION to above message: I spoke with my counselor about that and she said anyone can provide the basic needs - your mother was NOT there for you as the only female in the family to show you your role in the world.

You're right AdultDau,

Mine also only provided the basics. Even then I look back and realize that she didn't really even do much with that. I remember very vividly the moment I first discovered this. I was in third grade. I had buried it for quite some time but it came back to me.
I went to grade school with a young girl who was mentally slow and was quite neglected at home. Children being children I didn't say anything when the other kids made fun of the way her hair was ratty and knotted underneath the top layer. We could see it when we touched our toes in gym class. When I talked with my father about it, because the teasing really bothered me, he explained to me that her parents must not take very good care of her. They must not care about her very much. One day, I thought to reach back and touch my hair where her hair was knotted at the back of her neck. My thinking was that I would figure out how to help her so the others would quit making fun of her. When I reached back there on the back of my head I was horrified to realize that my hair was knotted in exactly the same way. I remember feeling betrayed.
It was then that, on some basic level, I realized that I was only taken care of on the surface. That appearances were all that mattered to my mother. As long as my hair looked brushed from above, it didn't matter to her what was underneath.

Carina,

Those realizations are hard to swallow. My mother always had a closet full of clothes and I had a small amount. She would take me shopping and tell me that she was going to get something for me but never did or if she did it was something that she wanted me to wear that i didn't like. If I said anything she would get mad, rip it out of my hands and tell me I was being a little shit. It was so degrading as I knew ppl would just stare at us. I would get those sympathy looks, which I hated. She once said to me that she didn't understand how I seemed so confident when I was over weight with bad skin. This was after I just had my second child too. The things narcs say to their kids.... ugh!!

I remember the shopping trips! She always would buy me something horrible and embarrassing that I hated and then we'd go home on the premise that I was also an ungrateful "little shit" or "turd".
Then she'd make my clothes at home. Not normal clothes, no. Costumes. She'd buy patterns of stuff from the eighteen hundreds, Boys knickers and decorative clothing for celebrations in other countries. I was so shy and humiliated all the time.

Thank you for the article. My mother is this way, She is sick, mentally ill, dillusional, disaccociative.. I have tried and tried to no avail to resolve LONG time issues with her, onlt to feel as though Im beating my head against a wall, because she refuses to see or admit that she has done anything wrong. I wind up feeling more and more frustrated and befuddled every time I try to discuss something with her that she 'seems' to not recall, twists around, wont admit etc.. I already suspected that she was mentally Ill, and when I talk to my husband about this, he says the same thing. No matter how hard I try, it will do no good when talking to someone who is mentally ill, and genuinly does not believe they are wrong, have done anything wrong, or sees things in a different way then they happened. I couldnt agree more. Its a waste of our time and energy to try to talk to them, and it leaves us feeling hurt, frustrated, angry etc.. we have to realize, its not our fault, and theres nothing we can do, and let go. It hurts to let go, but it hurts more to keep letting our mothers hurt us.

Carina,

How can anyone call their child a little shit? i just don't get it! nm made clothes for me too, things that looked like what a toddler would wear with ruffles and lace and all that stuff. I was a tomboy and into sports! UGH!
I am sorry that you had to be humiliated like that as well.

omg, i actually emailed my mother the link and asked her to print it out at her work- we dont have a printer at home. under the link in teh meail i wrote " dont worry, i dont think this is you" anywho, she printed it, i read it. and i was all like... holey crow! thats my mom in a nut shell! i just thought it was funny that she printed it out for me. lol.

That is funny!

LOL... I love it!! last night after I read it, I was thinking of emailing it to her and telling her "This is you" but maybe I'll email it to her and ask her to print it out for me too, I like the idea imagining the look on her face when she reads what shes printing...LOL... and what she would be thinking, although, knowing her.. she wouldn't even make the connection, after all, its all about denial! Thanks for the laugh though! I needed it

HOW DID YOU FIND THAT ARTICLE ON MY MOM, THAT DESCRIBES HER TO A T. THANKS FOR THE ARTICLE, I'M GOING TO CUT AND PASTE THAT IN MY JOURNAL.

You bet Fibonae!
One thing I am glad to have learned (and also sad to have learned because of the abuses we have all suffered) is that I am not alone.
It is really nice to have all this VALIDATION for the lonliness I have been feeling all these years.
It's so hard to go through this world thinking that no one could possibly understand your history.
The hardest parts for me was 1)seeing and hearing other people whos moms were their best friends.
2) hoping I would be able to really truly love my children for who they are and not what they can do or be for me. Hoping I was not so influenced by my own mother that I couldn't be a good mother.
Thats why I was 35 before my first child was born. I was afraid of becoming her. Thank God I was able to learn what I needed to stop being afraid of that. I am not her. I am separate from her.
It has been so hard to extract myself, to become me, and I'm still working on it. I'm glad I'm not alone.
Thanks to all of you who have shared with me here and those who have discovered and begun to heal.

Carina, I had those exact same fears as well. I didn't want kids because i didn't want to be her.and it does feel really good to be around people that get it!