Hi Not: I consider it not your place to tell your molesting dad's adult children or their children about him molesting you. Your dad apparently just found out he is their father and you don't know them. It would bring up issues of why they should believe you and it will definitely unpack your past and bring all the bad memories back and I'm sure a lot of denial from your dad. You don't need all that.

As for your mom, she is on her own because she married him and the norm is that the child predators never stop molesting kids, so she probably has an idea of what he is. Don't be in denial with yourself about that and about your mom.

I wouldn't make any more trips to see your mom or spend any time in his presence. If your mom won't come to see you, she can keep the lines of communication open to you by phone, by cards, etc.

You hold no responsibility for what your dad does either in the past, present or in the future nor can you prevent him from reoffending. You cannot place yourself in the position that you are his watchdog because you can't stop him.

I ask that you please get into counseling. Childhood sexual abuse can stay with people a lifetime until they work through it in counseling and impact them the whole time and here you are at 40 and still involved with your molesting dad and trying to prevent him from molesting. Apparently your dad was not prosecuted and your mom actually married him. That must be very painful and also a betrayal to you.

Also, a great board to help you would be the D.S. Sexual Abuse Support Group which is for survivors of sexual abuse as adults and children. Just click on the green link below and it will take you to that board.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Sexual-Abuse/support-group

I would like to see you work this out with a professional so you reach a point where you move forward and spend no more of your thoughts or time on him because you have a whole world out there that is waiting for you with lots of great things. Many, many hugs

Do you have any court documents/police reports relating to his abuse of you?

If I was you I would definitely tell, but at the same time it would be better to have proof so that they take your claims very seriously. At the very least, if you tell the mother she may allow visitation, but be very careful when it comes to leaving the children at home with the grandfather.

If I was in your position I would probably approach the children's mother. The son may try and protect his natural father and not take your claims seriously. The reason I would tell is that once somebody becomes a child molester (they don't change) they should lose all rights regarding their privacy.

Your mum obviously lives in a world of denial, and if he chooses to hit her, she has a choice to leave. She isn't your problem.

I'd at least find some way to tell for the sake of the grandkids. That way, your conscience will be clean.

Will they believe you? Maybe not. But you can say you tried.

May it hurt your mother? Maybe. But I'd not be worried about her since she chose that vile man over your safety.

all replies are greatly appreciated! My step dad has always been a jerk. which is why i never understood why he would molest me to begin with when he couldnt even stand me. but AsTime....THANK YOU! you have given me so much to think about and thank you for the link you provided for me! :) ! Lebe and DeliAnnem I completely agree with both of you.
as far him not being thrown in jail...my daddy decided not to press charges because our attorney told us that I would have to testify in court and my daddy didnt want to put me through all that. So instead he got custody of us and we moved off. I dont know if daddy kept any papers from the doctor thatexamined me or any of the documents from our meeting with attorneys and the judge. i can certainly find out if they kept that. Once i was 22 or 23 I went to the courthouse where we lived during the years of the molestation and tried to file a complaint against him, but they said that too much time had passed and nothing could be done. Of course, this was in Louisiana back in the 80's when this happened. I could have killed this man and no judge would have convicted me. but thats not the type of person I am. THANK YOU EVERYONE for listening and chiming in. It certainly does help me a great deal!

I am surprised that ATGB cautioned restraint in reporting the step-dad. I get the point about using discretion and not opening a can of worms, but here, I believe that the innocent grandkids are facing grave danger. If any of were a child facing that kind of threat, we would desperately hope that someone would come forward to protect, or at least warn. Even if I had to send an anonymous warning by mail, or whatever, I would not fail to warn those parents of those innocent children.

But knowing me, I would tell them myself. I would not expect them to appreciate it. In fact, I would be prepared for a hostile response. But I would tell them with a witness present - come what may. That's just me. Each must make their own decision based on the circumstances they are faced with. I wish you the best.

In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.
-- Cassius Longinus

The witness present is a good idea. But anonymous just raises more questions and the authenticity will be called into question.

Epic, don't use my name in your posts. I don't want to be associated with you in any way. My opinion was for the OP and not directed to you.

You just used my name in a negative way. I did not do that to you, but I am happy never to mention your screen name. Please pay me the same courtesy.

An anonymous letter is not the best way to go but it is better than remaining silent, in my view. At least it would raise a red flag for the parents of the young children.

by the way, when you come forward, if you do, the authorities may seek to renew the prosecution against your step dad. If he is such a mean guy, as you say, it is best to get him off the streets. best wishes, --EJ

Yes, EJ- better a nameless tip off than nothing.

I'm getting the feeling that there is a lot more drama involved in your family. You seem to know alot about what is going on with your mom and stepdad even though it seems like you don't speak to mom. You also seem to resent that they visit your step dad's family and not you.

As to telling anyone about your experiences with your step dad....well I think it would be a mistake. You have no proof to offer since it never went to court when he abused you. It would be just your word and I imagine they would not believe you. So it would just stir up more drama. His son and DIL probably know very well what he is like and they have to handle it on their own. Without proof it could also be considered slander and get you in trouble. I know it seems wrong but I don't see them believing you and therefor no good would come from telling them.

Have you ever spoken with a therapist about your experiences? It seems like you have a lot of unresolved issues from your childhood and your family now. The best thing for you is to find a therapist who has experience with childhood abuse. Work through your memories and your current family dynamic.

I can't offer anything nor any specificity in what to do, but I CAN tell that you are stuck in doing what's right v. will it complicate matters of the heart and family. I am not in your shoes, but I can offer you my empathy because I am stuck in a pickle of my own as well.

You know, things become more complicated when it involves loved one and more when you know there is something wrong, but you can't prove it altogether. I think it's safe to say that we are both in a tough situation and a rut. I am really sorry for your situation.

Tigg, I hear you.

But if there's drama already, then so what about causing more? At least the drama is to protect a family member.

Slander is almost impossible to prove- the court has to prove that the person SAYING something KNEW it wasn't true when he/she said it. Libel (written lies) is almost just as difficult.

How would you feel if you found out years later that the children in question were molested by him? It sounds like you know what you have to do. I'd even consider sending it registered so you know they got it.

Tigg, you're right...there is tons of drama in the family. mostly sexual abuse from biological moms brother (my uncle) to her husband (step dad). I do talk to my mother about once a week or ever other week. I do love her no matter what bad choices she's made and I do worry about her. I dont want her to hate me either. Ive spent my entire adult life hoping she would one day choose her children over that child molester she married. But her being 62 and my being 40 and after this little incident of them travelling to see his sons but cant drive an extra 200 miles to see me has just really let me know that she will always pick him and what he wants over her kids. Her loss. Although, I do not have the court documents in my possession and doctors notes, my dad and mom have them and I can use those as proof of the type of man step dad really is. However, I spoke to my step brothers wife last saturday and she was so grateful I told her. She also told me that she and her husband knew he is/was a bad man. Evidently thats why step dads ex wife left him and never let her sons know him. I appreciate the advice and input everyone :) I guess I knew it was the right thing to do, i was just scared of sister in laws reaction more than anything.

good for you notnice. I'm glad that your family is well aware of the problem so that innocent children are not harmed for the rest of their lives. I admire your courage and feel that it was a very necessary thing for you to do. Very best --EJ