Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Going to try to make this as short as possible. My real mother (whom i lived with until i was about 10) married a man AFTER she found out that he molested me for quite some time.
Im over that issue...but this man has just found out that he has 2 sons and 5 granddaughters.
His son went to visit them and took the granddaughters last year. I wanted to tell them about him, but always was told that its better to not talk about such things.
Until recently. I was told to "LET IT BE KNOWN". Thing is i havent seen my real mother in several years...but i do go home to see my daddy and my Mama (the one that has known me since i was born and named after and has raised me since i was 10).
Well real moms child molesting husband went out and bought a brand new car just so they could go visit HIS kids nad grandkids which is only 200 miles from me, but he wont let her drive to come see us. We would hvae to go see them. Which I refuse to do. I do love my real mom, but shes chosen this man over her own kids more times than i care to mention.
Now, Im afraid that if I tell his son and daughter in law about what he did to me that 1. they will think im doing it out of spite for not coming to visit us. 2. he will hurt my real mom (hes been known to hit on her) because of my telling and 3.) how do i respond to the son and daughter in law when they ask why i didnt tell them before the made the trip to go meet them last year?
Im in a pickle. I know I MUST tell them because if i dont and something happens to those girls I will be as guilty as if I'd hurt those kids myself..but at the same time..my real mom is 62 and her husband is a freaking mean man. I dont want her hurt either. Theres nothing I can do to prevent him hurting her, but i can prevent him from hurting innocent children. although, my real mom says hes changed. I feel once a molester always a molester.
Suggestions? Comments? All welcome.
Im over that issue...but this man has just found out that he has 2 sons and 5 granddaughters.
His son went to visit them and took the granddaughters last year. I wanted to tell them about him, but always was told that its better to not talk about such things.
Until recently. I was told to "LET IT BE KNOWN". Thing is i havent seen my real mother in several years...but i do go home to see my daddy and my Mama (the one that has known me since i was born and named after and has raised me since i was 10).
Well real moms child molesting husband went out and bought a brand new car just so they could go visit HIS kids nad grandkids which is only 200 miles from me, but he wont let her drive to come see us. We would hvae to go see them. Which I refuse to do. I do love my real mom, but shes chosen this man over her own kids more times than i care to mention.
Now, Im afraid that if I tell his son and daughter in law about what he did to me that 1. they will think im doing it out of spite for not coming to visit us. 2. he will hurt my real mom (hes been known to hit on her) because of my telling and 3.) how do i respond to the son and daughter in law when they ask why i didnt tell them before the made the trip to go meet them last year?
Im in a pickle. I know I MUST tell them because if i dont and something happens to those girls I will be as guilty as if I'd hurt those kids myself..but at the same time..my real mom is 62 and her husband is a freaking mean man. I dont want her hurt either. Theres nothing I can do to prevent him hurting her, but i can prevent him from hurting innocent children. although, my real mom says hes changed. I feel once a molester always a molester.
Suggestions? Comments? All welcome.
As for your mom, she is on her own because she married him and the norm is that the child predators never stop molesting kids, so she probably has an idea of what he is. Don't be in denial with yourself about that and about your mom.
I wouldn't make any more trips to see your mom or spend any time in his presence. If your mom won't come to see you, she can keep the lines of communication open to you by phone, by cards, etc.
You hold no responsibility for what your dad does either in the past, present or in the future nor can you prevent him from reoffending. You cannot place yourself in the position that you are his watchdog because you can't stop him.
I ask that you please get into counseling. Childhood sexual abuse can stay with people a lifetime until they work through it in counseling and impact them the whole time and here you are at 40 and still involved with your molesting dad and trying to prevent him from molesting. Apparently your dad was not prosecuted and your mom actually married him. That must be very painful and also a betrayal to you.
Also, a great board to help you would be the D.S. Sexual Abuse Support Group which is for survivors of sexual abuse as adults and children. Just click on the green link below and it will take you to that board.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Sexual-Abuse/support-group
I would like to see you work this out with a professional so you reach a point where you move forward and spend no more of your thoughts or time on him because you have a whole world out there that is waiting for you with lots of great things. Many, many hugs
If I was you I would definitely tell, but at the same time it would be better to have proof so that they take your claims very seriously. At the very least, if you tell the mother she may allow visitation, but be very careful when it comes to leaving the children at home with the grandfather.
If I was in your position I would probably approach the children's mother. The son may try and protect his natural father and not take your claims seriously. The reason I would tell is that once somebody becomes a child molester (they don't change) they should lose all rights regarding their privacy.
Your mum obviously lives in a world of denial, and if he chooses to hit her, she has a choice to leave. She isn't your problem.
Will they believe you? Maybe not. But you can say you tried.
May it hurt your mother? Maybe. But I'd not be worried about her since she chose that vile man over your safety.
as far him not being thrown in jail...my daddy decided not to press charges because our attorney told us that I would have to testify in court and my daddy didnt want to put me through all that. So instead he got custody of us and we moved off. I dont know if daddy kept any papers from the doctor thatexamined me or any of the documents from our meeting with attorneys and the judge. i can certainly find out if they kept that. Once i was 22 or 23 I went to the courthouse where we lived during the years of the molestation and tried to file a complaint against him, but they said that too much time had passed and nothing could be done. Of course, this was in Louisiana back in the 80's when this happened. I could have killed this man and no judge would have convicted me. but thats not the type of person I am. THANK YOU EVERYONE for listening and chiming in. It certainly does help me a great deal!
But knowing me, I would tell them myself. I would not expect them to appreciate it. In fact, I would be prepared for a hostile response. But I would tell them with a witness present - come what may. That's just me. Each must make their own decision based on the circumstances they are faced with. I wish you the best.
In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.
-- Cassius Longinus
An anonymous letter is not the best way to go but it is better than remaining silent, in my view. At least it would raise a red flag for the parents of the young children.
As to telling anyone about your experiences with your step dad....well I think it would be a mistake. You have no proof to offer since it never went to court when he abused you. It would be just your word and I imagine they would not believe you. So it would just stir up more drama. His son and DIL probably know very well what he is like and they have to handle it on their own. Without proof it could also be considered slander and get you in trouble. I know it seems wrong but I don't see them believing you and therefor no good would come from telling them.
Have you ever spoken with a therapist about your experiences? It seems like you have a lot of unresolved issues from your childhood and your family now. The best thing for you is to find a therapist who has experience with childhood abuse. Work through your memories and your current family dynamic.
You know, things become more complicated when it involves loved one and more when you know there is something wrong, but you can't prove it altogether. I think it's safe to say that we are both in a tough situation and a rut. I am really sorry for your situation.
But if there's drama already, then so what about causing more? At least the drama is to protect a family member.
Slander is almost impossible to prove- the court has to prove that the person SAYING something KNEW it wasn't true when he/she said it. Libel (written lies) is almost just as difficult.
How would you feel if you found out years later that the children in question were molested by him? It sounds like you know what you have to do. I'd even consider sending it registered so you know they got it.