Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I have had ongoing family drama for the past 2+ years. I have an aunt who is mentally ill and cares for my elderly grandmother. I live quite a distance away from them. My aunt resents being my grandmothers caregiver however wont discuss hiring in home help or assisted living placement. Whenever I try to call my grandma to check on her my aunt says condescending things about me in the background and threatens to bring my grandmother to my house to live. When I can help and try to, I'm not permitted to or taken advantage of. This is taking a serious toll on my marriage and relationships. I'm so nervous constantly and consumed with this situation. I dont know what to do. I've tried discussing this with my aunt and she isnt open to doing anything differently. I just dont know where to go from here.
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The weeks seem to fly by!Happy Saturday to everyoneI hope that the weekend brings some chill time and barbecuesDoes it take others what seems like forever to add a comment on the boards?I'm okay everywhere else except boards..Everywhere else adds normally but it's annoyingly slow!Have a great Saturday and do something nice for you!!Big hug...xo
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I'm feeling down,, and got alot on my mind right now. I got grief going on, on top my depression and anxiety and now I got to worry about somewhere to live since I can't afford living here since my mom passed. So many bad things have happened since my mom passed. One thing after another it seems. Yesterday our fence fell from a storm that hit, had to call someone to prop it up. Thank...
I'll put up a link to it..... I cared for both of my parents the last few years of their lives and I became angry at a point as well and the anger I think comes from frustration and pain
As well one of the stages of grief is anger and we can often grieve what we see is happening when someone we love is failing
I found no one was ever there to help at all and the thing with caregiving is that it's 24/7.... You never get a break
She probably doesn't want to have to put her into a home but needs a break at times.... To have a day or a weekend for herself
Can family members maybe have a schedule to give your aunt a day off a weekend a month or something like that??
Can you just say to her I hear your frustration what can the family do to help??
Gentle hug.... These times are hard..... This is her mom and anger is a secondary emotion..... Somethings causing the anger in other words.... It's a scary time watching someone you love decline everyday
Here's the link sweetie.... xo
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/caring-for-aging-parents
I have tried before to relieve her and she once left and refused to come back when there was an emergency. She wont hire care givers for relief even though she could. Truly it seems like she doesnt really want my help but wants to have something to throw in my face. It's just really frustrating and nerve wrecking.
Unless your worried about your grandma's condition; your Aunt just may be the gate keeper to seeing your grandma. As frustrating as that must be, it's probably not the time to break that down. Has your Aunt always been so difficult? Unless I'm missing the mark, I suggest letting go of the pressure to help. Maybe hover more gently, without being overt about trying to help. From your comment it seems to agitate your Aunt. I get the sense that your Aunt's issues are her own, try not to take them on yourself. We've all got enough problems of our own.
I think she is bitter about being left to care for her mom however she definitely wants things her way and isn't open to other suggestions. You hit the nail on the head when you said she is the gatekeeper to seeing grandma. Honestly, that's the only reason I've tried to remain amicable with her as difficult as it is. She has definitely always been difficult to deal with which is why no other family members are eager to try to help. She is prone to emotional outbursts. I appreciate your honest reply.
The bottom line is she's chosen to take care of her mother and to refuse any helpful suggestions and there's nothing wrong with pointing that out to her
You can also say to her I love my Grandmother and want to see her …. I won't engage in a fight with you though
If she gets hostile when you phone you can simply say that 'you sound really angry so I won't stay on the phone now I just wanted you to know I was coming to visit Grandma this Saturday' or whatever it is you'd like to get across
I think a big part of it is that there's no relief around the clock.... People don't understand that until they've done it
Most people go to work and have certain work hours and then time off as well as days off.... There is none of that with caretaking and it can go on for years
Most people requiring care don't want other caregivers unfortunately.... I would continue to encourage that though and if you're with her again and an emergency happens call emergency personal
It's a whole dynamic and unfortunately guilt plays a big part in it.... I do think she's bitter
You don't have to play to her though...… I would stay on point when you'd like to see your Grandma....
If family members are able to give some relief then I would and if she doesn't want to be called then call an emergency line if you need to
I would continue to encourage her to hire relief staff.... Are there other siblings that could help your aunt?
https://www.caring.com/articles/caregiver-issues
No mention was made of other siblings caring for your grandmother. You say this is your aunt. Is it your mother or father who is related to your grandmother?
Sometimes, resentment comes from siblings because they do not come forward to help with their parents.
Do your parents help?
If at any time you think your aunt is putting your grandmother in danger, then get the appropriate authorities involved. If not, her say goes as she is caring for your grandmother full time.
Possibly, ask her what you can do FOR HER to make it easier to care for your grandmother. Asking permission is VERY important. It is a sign of not stepping on other caregivers toes.
By the way, your grandmother’s children (including your aunt) must have come to a decision on who took care of your grandmother, right? It should be THEIR decision on what to do with your grandmother.
I hope everything works out for you.