Hi All! 

I am new here to Daily Strength. I would like some input from some of you as to whether this is the right group for what I am seeking for. Please feel free to give me any input or suggestions. 

Quick summary. My family of origin/family I was raised as a child in, a family of 11 kids, was filled with emotional and sexual abuse. My dad was the primary emotional abuser. My mom was mostly an "absent" parent, at least emotionally and protection from the abuses. I have processed much of that and recognize that much of who both of them were, is as a result of multigenerational abuses. The sexual abusers were also family members, who were also likely acting out as a result of their own emotional and sexual abuse. I can deal with that. 

I believe I acted out as a child as a result of the emotional and sexual abuse that I had been a victim to. As a result, I admit my childhood behavior was troubled at best. I see it now as that I was trying to be heard, and not knowing how to reach out for help, acting out was the only time I was "heard" even if negatively heard. 

I have dealt with much/most of that childhood drama and trauma. I have a successful career, a loving wife, kids that I have good relationships with, and love being called "papa" by my grandkids. So in some ways, it almost seems silly to be dealing with what I am currently dealing with. 

After years of frustration, after years of continuing to be blamed for anything that doesn't go right in the family, after years of my family judging me negatively in ways that absolutely frustrated and even angered me because I didn't feel like that is who I am, I feel like I came to a realization that my siblings seemed to have learned negative behavior toward me, and judgment about me, from my parents. My wife started pointing out little things that she was seeing in regard to my family relationships. She reffered to the way I was spoken to and treated as being "bullied". Based on previous work done to overcome childhood trauma, I call it "emotional abuse". It is so similar to the way I feel like I was treated, spoken to, and judged as a child. 

Here again, I think I have done well to accept that they are continuing to act their disfunctional family roles. So, I can recognize that, associate with those that are not emotionally abusive, and literally ignore those that are abusive. My wife is a great resource and support in that. I really don't care about having a relationship with my siblings, if they are going to continue to walk all over me and not accept the boundaries I set. It hurts, but it hurts worse to allow them to continue the emotional abuse. 

So, why am I here? I've done pretty well processing a childhood filled with trauma. I've done well setting boundaries with my siblings and refusing to accept their abuse and judgement. So what's left?

My relationship with my mother. (As a side note, my father has passed away 20 something years ago. We never had a good relationship.) I used to enjoy just talking with my mom on the phone since we live far apart. I often would call her and we could talk for an hour during my commute home. Until recently. My wife was diagnosed with cancer. That also is going well. We have seen a ton of miracles, and at this point, she has no detectable cancer left. Hard, but together we are making it. Early on, I confided in my mom about the diagnosis, and asked her to keep it confidential until we were further into finding out what we needed to do. She broke that confidence and shared the news with siblings that ended up using guilt to try to manipulate my wife and I into traveling to a family reunion during her treatments. I lost trust in my mom. After almost 3/4 of a year, I had a gut feeling that my mom was having negative conversations about me behind my back with my siblings. So, I asked her. She said that for her "health and well being," she avoided the gossip and contention, and asked me to not try to drag her into any disagreement between my siblings and I. That didn't feel right. Something felt "off", so I confronted her again, and she finally admitted "of course I have" and talked about how she was their confidant and they hers. She lied to me about having those conversations. I now see that she is judging me based on those conversations with my family, blaming me for the contention, and mocking me for standing up to the emotional abuse and calling it what it is. She blatently blamed me for the emotional abuse from my father, based on how I acted as a child being a victim of emotional and sexual abuse. She tried to turn herself into the victim because I was calling the abuse what it is. Somehow after lieing to me, judging me based on one side of the story, essentially telling me that I was lieing about the negative actions of my siblings, telling me I was to blame for the actions of my father, the parent/adult in the relationship, somehow she had "tried" to rebuild our relationship and lines of communication. And because I wasn't just ready to let it go and allow her to continue the emotional abuse, somehow she was "Sooo sorry" that I wasn't just pretending it all didn't happen, including what is going on with my siblings, and my childhood as a whole. 

I am at a crossroads with this relationship. I miss talking to my mom. I somehow have to decide if having a relationship with her while she is doing all these things is worth it. Or somehow, I need to get her to see the whole picture, so she can rethink her thoughts and actions. Or, I need to separate myself from her in the same way I had to do with some of my siblings. And I don't know if any of those really work. I can't change her. And if she isn't willing to even consider that she may need to rethink things, let alone endeavor to work on our relationship and communication, there is little I can do except try to protect myself. 

That's the "summary" as long or short as it may be considered. Am I in the right group? 

I am open to input. 

Thank you for your time! 

"Ishi"