Does anyone else on the registry feel like they get the cold shoulder from neighbors as well?

I am in your sons place. I am not sure and it has been 8 years. I am moving and am going to buy a house and the idea of neighbors scare the hell out of me. I think I found a house that I like and in an area that is country with a few neighbors that I hope, as I have here, allow me the time to prove that I am not what I did 17+ years ago. The hardest thing I find is that people look at you and only see what you did regardless of the years that have gone buy and the changes that you made.

What I have found helpful in my own life is the support that people who know give when they accept that the things that we face are real and allow us to venture into life at out own pace when we are ready. I would just say to be there for him. His fears and anxieties are extremely real to him and he will need to work through then as he is ready to do so.... What always hurt me the most was when I was told that it was all in my head or that I should not let it bother me.. always made me feel even more damaged than I felt..

How can you help him.. You are doing it by asking on places like this. Proves that you love him and are willing to try.Thanks for that so many of us are abandoned and forgotten.

Sorry about the auto-corrects.

Thank you. I have to confess that we have made that mistake, minimizing it or telling him that a lot of it is in his head. Yet at the same time, I don't want him to magnify what already might be a bad situation by making it worse in his mind. It's hard to know what to say, sometimes.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply.

This approach usually works; it takes a little time, but is usually highley effective-------

Since we know it is almost impossible to change people's attitude toward registrants by force or just words, we have to present a picture that allows people to see us in a favorable light and to allow them to change their attitude on their own accord.

We have to humanize ourselves.

Most sex offenders have no idea how to do this, but the successful ones do. They use human nature to rebuild their image.

How do we do that? Be genuinely nice to people. Open doors at Wal Mart for women and children. Fix a flat on the road for someone. Wear nice clothes when you are out in public; leave the T shirts and raggedy pants at home. Keep yourself neat and clean looking when you go out in public. Smile at people.

Be thoughtful and soft spoken. Do not act like an overbearing loudmouth and people will see you in a different light.

Above all, do not act menacing in any way to people. That really scares the general public.

People will then have the image in their mind of a decent looking guy who is just trying to help others and that image really sticks, much more than just words.

After you have rebuilt your reputation and people begin to like you, you will be less known as the town sex offender and more known as a guy who just made a stupid mistake. It works every time.

This even works in prison, with all the inmates, where courtesy and being a nice person is a hard sell sometimes. The most respected and revered inmates were those who were quiet and presented an image of intelligence and calmness---the voice of reason in a wilderness of chaos.

It is very difficult to continue to hate a guy who is kind, respectful, and helpful to others.

rewdiazepam

Rew,

My son is nice to everyone he meets. He's a nice person who is anything but menacing. He's lived in the same place for three years and goes out of his way to be nice to the neighbors. He just doesn't feel accepted by them. The hard part is telling him what to do BEYOND being nice, because that's already a strategy he employs.

I am sure your son has been nice. I did not mean to imply that he has not been respectful to others. If that does not seem to be working as well as he would like, I am not sure there is anything else that can be done.

As registrants we sometimes have to go above and beyond what a normal person would do to get respect.

He cannot force people to like him and treat him with dignity. The only other thing I can think of is for him to get out in the public and show the people the kind of person he really is. I don't know if he stays to himself all the time, but perhaps he should maybe be seen at the gym, out jogging, or at the church. Any exposure to people should, at some point, make them realize that he is not a monster. But this will take time.

Maybe some other registrants can come in here with some more suggestions.

rewdiazepam

Yes, he is nice, extremely nice to anyone he encounters but he does keep to himself. This is something we've talked to him about. I can understand his reluctance to trust others but we have reminded him how important it is to try to reintegrate. He just expresses a desire to not have people "look at him weirdly" when he walks out the door.

Also, I'm wondering if being nice gets hard when people are always rejecting you.

Thanks Rew. Your ideas about him getting out more in the community are helpful.

I'd say in addition to using Rew's approach your son should pick a hobby he really enjoys even when he is alone. Then when he "gets out" he can jin clubs and meet others hobbyists "obsessed" with the same hobby (star gazing,' model trains, making lures for trout fishing, whatever) hat he enjoys and then eventually he'll make friends on the basis of shared interests.

Hopefully unconditional love around him and the passing of time will help your son figure his way through life. Maybe right now he's not ready to do things, but that doesn't mean that won't change. He is probably working through his insecurities and fears, and that may be something that he has to do in his own time. The fact he has love and support around him is a blessing and will help him make a life for himself. I'll keep you both in my thoughts.

Mary

I have to agree w/ REW and Janet; pursuing hobby and interests is best. My son is an avid fisherman. When he caught his first fish this year, we were about as excited as when he caught his first one w/ a toddler rod! He's a bit of an introvert and he can chat briefly w/ other fishermen or have in depth conversations with folks he knows well on the subject. This has proven helpful as he's re-adjusted to being home. Not gonna lie; it was hard at first.

I also live alone about 10 blocks from my parents house. My Mom couldn't stand that so when a stray dog came around she pressured me to take her. I told them I couldn't afford a dog with vet bills and such and they said they would pay for it. I was reluctant at first but "Sammy" (Samantha) is now my best friend! She is very friendly and whenever I'm walking her or outside with her and neighbors come near they all stop to pet her. A very good ice-breaker.

It's funny but most of the people who speak to me at home are retired cops. None have asked about my status and my PO tells me that only one person had called inquiring about me.

I'm the first house at the entrance of my development and I'm always outside working around the yard. I want my home to be very kept up. Many people wave at me and I wave back. Being in the south a lot of folks have tinted windows so some could be flipping me the bird for all I know.

I wish I could give you some advice, but our son is going through the same thing.

I know having his dog has helped him through a lot these past 15 months. however it is very sad that he can't bring his dog with him when he moves because of laws here that ban pitbulls. He's already lost so much and now he has to lose his dog too :(

I know it must be tough on you because, like me, don't understand much of the mental side of these issues.

But I agree with the poster that suggested dedicating himself to a hobby. I know our son over the past couple of years has found a love for fitness, and going to the gym helps keep him focused. It's also given him a career path he wants to follow now.

Thanks for all the advice and support, everyone.

As far as getting him an animal, do animal shelters usually discriminate against applicants who are registrants? We assume they do background checks??

I don't ever recall having a background check done. Even if they do, I'm sure they would only be worried about those that have animal cruelty, bestiality, dog fighting, etc.

I guess I would check in with your local pound and ask them about their adoption process.