Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
I understand that most of the ladies on this forum are in both in love and in a relationship with their guy in prison or are mothers who love their sons.
This post is mostly for the ladies here that are having difficulties with their families and friends for being in a relationship with an inmate; but the same sentiment I am about to express also is applicable for all the dear moms who support their son in prison.
Having been in prison many years, and understanding the dynamics of prison relationships and the manner in which inmates think, some here will no doubt get burned. You will not get hurt necessarily because your guy is a bad person, as your family may think, but because prison changes people and your man coming out of prison may not be the same person as he was when he went in; therefore, the relationship will not work.
But guess what, relationships fail even here in the outside world when both the man and woman fall in love. People change, the nature of the bond is altered, and the relationship falls apart even under the best of circumstances.
But true love and/or finding a soul mate only happens maybe once in a lifetime and for many, never at all. Love is such a tenuous proposition that if a ladyor a man---finds that one person he or she would be a fool to let him go and give up. And for many that one person happens to be in prison.
So if a lady finds the one she is madly in love with and it is much more than just infatuation, she needs to go for it with all the gusto she can musterit only happens once in a lifetime.
Your families do not understand that there are many good and decent men in prison; it is not difficult, under the right circumstances, to find oneself in prison. When I was in prison, prison was really prison, and unless a person was innocent, most of the inmates there needed to be there.
And there are many innocent people in prison. Trust me.
It is not like that today---and people and families of those who love prisoners just cannot seem to understand that fact. The prison population has so been diluted down with guys who just made a mistake rather than the really bad guys, that having a loved one in prison should not be that much a downer to other people.
The families of the ladies who love these inmates cannot understand that many are decent people and some families will never even give them a chance. So sad.
And if the relationship fails, the lady will suffer, not the family; but she is willing to take the chance and accept the circumstances if it fails. She will suffer, not the judgmental family.
The families should allow their daughter to make that mistake if indeed it is a mistake. After all, the daughter knows the inmate and her heart much better than the family.
I can understand protecting a daughter by giving her your opinion, but many of these families go too far. I have a daughter and if she came to me one day and explained to me that she was in a relationship with someone I did not approve, I would do EVERYTHING in my power to make it work for her.
I would accept her new boyfriend with open arms because I love my daughter and want their relationship to work out for her. Nobody benefits from a failed relationship.
What I do not understand is the fact that many families turn their backs on their children when they find out they are involved with an inmate. Do these families not love their children? At a time when a daughter needs her family the most, they are casting her out. That is very cruel---and very wrong.
It is easy for most people in this country to be judgmental when they can sit home, eating a hot meal, with their feet propped up watching the latest NFL game while drinking a beer. But inmates do not have that. And most of the ladies who love inmates do not have that.
While the family is watching that NFL game in the comfort of their own home, the daughter is struggling to make ends meet and driving a car that is unreliable hundreds of miles to visit the man she loves in a controlled visiting room for a few hours every week.
Most families will never have the courage and dedication that you amazing ladies have. It truly does take a special kind of womanone that you dont see every day-- to endure the hardships necessary to love a man in prison.
It is also easy to be critical of a lady who loves an inmate. After all, the fun of belittling someone else is that it mitigates ones own character failures.
Judgmental people, especially families, are so pitiful. Really.
So ladies, go for your dreams and reach for the stars. Yes, you could be disappointed when your man is released, but you could also have a much stronger bond than ever before.
Love and believe in your man---enduring love only happens once in a lifetime.
How can anyone criticize you for following your dreams?
rewdiazepam
This post is mostly for the ladies here that are having difficulties with their families and friends for being in a relationship with an inmate; but the same sentiment I am about to express also is applicable for all the dear moms who support their son in prison.
Having been in prison many years, and understanding the dynamics of prison relationships and the manner in which inmates think, some here will no doubt get burned. You will not get hurt necessarily because your guy is a bad person, as your family may think, but because prison changes people and your man coming out of prison may not be the same person as he was when he went in; therefore, the relationship will not work.
But guess what, relationships fail even here in the outside world when both the man and woman fall in love. People change, the nature of the bond is altered, and the relationship falls apart even under the best of circumstances.
But true love and/or finding a soul mate only happens maybe once in a lifetime and for many, never at all. Love is such a tenuous proposition that if a ladyor a man---finds that one person he or she would be a fool to let him go and give up. And for many that one person happens to be in prison.
So if a lady finds the one she is madly in love with and it is much more than just infatuation, she needs to go for it with all the gusto she can musterit only happens once in a lifetime.
Your families do not understand that there are many good and decent men in prison; it is not difficult, under the right circumstances, to find oneself in prison. When I was in prison, prison was really prison, and unless a person was innocent, most of the inmates there needed to be there.
And there are many innocent people in prison. Trust me.
It is not like that today---and people and families of those who love prisoners just cannot seem to understand that fact. The prison population has so been diluted down with guys who just made a mistake rather than the really bad guys, that having a loved one in prison should not be that much a downer to other people.
The families of the ladies who love these inmates cannot understand that many are decent people and some families will never even give them a chance. So sad.
And if the relationship fails, the lady will suffer, not the family; but she is willing to take the chance and accept the circumstances if it fails. She will suffer, not the judgmental family.
The families should allow their daughter to make that mistake if indeed it is a mistake. After all, the daughter knows the inmate and her heart much better than the family.
I can understand protecting a daughter by giving her your opinion, but many of these families go too far. I have a daughter and if she came to me one day and explained to me that she was in a relationship with someone I did not approve, I would do EVERYTHING in my power to make it work for her.
I would accept her new boyfriend with open arms because I love my daughter and want their relationship to work out for her. Nobody benefits from a failed relationship.
What I do not understand is the fact that many families turn their backs on their children when they find out they are involved with an inmate. Do these families not love their children? At a time when a daughter needs her family the most, they are casting her out. That is very cruel---and very wrong.
It is easy for most people in this country to be judgmental when they can sit home, eating a hot meal, with their feet propped up watching the latest NFL game while drinking a beer. But inmates do not have that. And most of the ladies who love inmates do not have that.
While the family is watching that NFL game in the comfort of their own home, the daughter is struggling to make ends meet and driving a car that is unreliable hundreds of miles to visit the man she loves in a controlled visiting room for a few hours every week.
Most families will never have the courage and dedication that you amazing ladies have. It truly does take a special kind of womanone that you dont see every day-- to endure the hardships necessary to love a man in prison.
It is also easy to be critical of a lady who loves an inmate. After all, the fun of belittling someone else is that it mitigates ones own character failures.
Judgmental people, especially families, are so pitiful. Really.
So ladies, go for your dreams and reach for the stars. Yes, you could be disappointed when your man is released, but you could also have a much stronger bond than ever before.
Love and believe in your man---enduring love only happens once in a lifetime.
How can anyone criticize you for following your dreams?
rewdiazepam
From time to time things you have posted have been rather controversial, and many including me have not particularly agreed with you, or liked what you said. But this post is so exactly to the point. Thank you.
I am not sure what I could have ever posted here that anyone could consider controversial or not what many wanted to hear. In fact, I post mostly on the Families of Sex Offenders and have only posted on this particular board a couple of times.
I am a huge advocate for inmates, the families of inmates, and for the reform of the laws regarding sex offenders, including the registry. I almost neverevertake a point of view against the families of prisoners. Nor do I ever remember taking an adversarial view towards the reform of the laws that haunt all those convicted of a crime or those on the registry.
I am ALWAYS on your side.
I am a big proponent of the underdog and hold those ideas close to my heart.
But anyway, I am happy that you like my post. I always try to use common sense and speak the truth.
rewdiazepam
I too am very much on the side of making sure that people understand not every sex offender is guilty, or is a bad person. And I believe that there are sure misconceptions about that title.
I think until they start really changing how the sex offender registry can be seen by everyone, and changing the sentencing depending on what did or didn't happen, we can't ever get some sort of decent reactions by people. People believe what they see in print. Some people even believe tabloid newspapers. That doesn't make them true.
I am totally with you on defending those people who have been wrongly accused, or who have been treated and do not do what they may have done in the past, anymore. Everyone deserves a second chance, unless that person has done something so horrific it can't be excused. Such as that man who kidnapped those girls ten years ago, and kept them his prisoners and sex slaves. He is not treatable.
Here is the link to the Families of Sex Offender board.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/families-of-sex-offenders
Very active board by the way. It has lots of support and discussion for anyone with a loved one either in prison or on the registry who is a sex offender.
The people there are like family; all caring and compassionate toward each other.
They are all in the same boat so they truly understand what each other is going through.
A few registrants post there, but it is primarily the wives, mothers, and girlfriends of sex offeners.
We would love to have you over there to participate in the discussion, along with anyone else here that would like to visit.
rewdiazepam
Thanks for posting this.
You might think it strange that a man would be such a outspoken advocate against the discrimination of women, but one thing I learned in prison was the importance of equal rights for all of us. I also learned in prison the total unconditonal love that you ladies have for your man.
What this nation has done to women over the years is just deplorable.
I get really tired of judgmental people, who know nothing about the situation, criticizing, and sometimes ostracizing the ladies who support and visit their men in prison.
I just thought it was time to set the record straight from someone who was in there and knew the positive effects you ladies have on your men.
I was high time that someone complimented you on a job well done.
Frankly I think it is commendable and I am proud of every single lady who has the will to visit their man in prison. I don't know how many ladies I saw on the visiting yard, patiently standing in long lines, going through the humiliation of being searched for contraband, driving hundreds of miles, and enduring the wrath of society just so they could see the man they love for a few hours a week. Their deducation truly humbled me.
It is just about time that someone from the inside, who has no ax to grind, gave you ladies some much overdue credit.
I saw firsthand the appreciation and the positive effect that you ladies had on many of the inmates there. They actually lived in there and were able to endure because of the visits and letters.
For me and all the former inmates, I say "thank you."
What you are doing is admirable.
rewdiazepam
I knew a woman whose husband was wrongly accused of " inappropriately touching" their daughter's friend. The daughter even testified against him. Later she told the cops she simply did it because the dad had forbid her to hang around with this girl because she was bad news. The cops and courts didn't care. They put him in prison for 7 years. Poor man.
The wife went to see him at first. Then it became less and less. Later, I started seeing her posting pictures of her partying nights, and with other men. She kept giving him excuses why she didn't make it to see him. Eventually she stopped going all together. This man was shattered. He lost his family. He had no one answering his letters, or answering his calls.
I felt so bad for him. Here he was, a good man, falsely accused. The courts didn't care when the girls said they lied, and then his wife left him. I could never do that.
I suppose there are a few women like that, but most are faithful to the end. I saw a old lady in there constantly visiting her husband of 40 years. He had been in at least ten, and had many more to go. She would die before he ever got out, but she got there, with her feeble body, pushing a walker. Now that's one special lady.
I would never desert my fiance. He has a drinking problem. Courts never until this time put him through treatment. Alcoholism is a disease, not a crime. Not unless it gets to the point of killing someone with that car, but even then, the courts are to blame for not doing something before it's too late.
What we go through is hard. But I cannot imagine ever abandoning him because life might be better without dealing with all of it. I doubt it would. I would love him til I die, and miss him anyway, so I have to other option, for me, but to stick with him.
I have always respected you and your views. It is difficult to have a loved one locked up, and you get judged by sticking by him. I love my Hub, he is my soul mate. Through all of this, he has truly realized how valuable I am to him. He no longer takes me for granted, and has truly become a better person for it. I enjoy having boards like this so get the support we all need through these difficult times.
could relate so much to it! appreciate it!