My parents were both severe alcoholics, my mom also being a pill-popper & bi-polar. My dad raised me from a bar-stool. My mom was physically abusive & my dad verbally abusive. Up until recently, I blamed them for my life being so unhappy. THEN, I realized that I cant go on forever blaming them. At some point, I have to take responsibility for my actions & bad decisions. It does NO good to blame your parents, it wont help or change anything. It is convenient to have someone to blame, but at some point, it becomes pointless to do so anymore. Time to move on, forgive & take charge of my well-being. All we can do is strive to become better than them..

I AM better than Mom. No self esteem problems here! LOL

Dr Phil says it takes like 50 "atta-boys" to make up for one insult. When you combine the number of insults I got from a pathologically toxic mother since before I could talk, I think it's reasonable for me to carry side effects from that for the rest of my life. And I do not think I'm wimping out and casting all the blame upon her. Dr. Phil says when you abuse a child, you write on the slate of who they are.

I'm not saying woe is me, there's no hope for a good life here. I'm the sane one, overlooking her problems and taking care of her.

I don't know why this is distasteful to anyone.

Back to the orginal question, "Anybody willing to admit their parents are to blame for their depression".

Well, I can't say my alcoholic father is exactly to blame. Here's what happened to me when I was 14. I wanted to kill my father because he was so nasty when he was drunk, and he was drunk almost every day.

One day I was so angry at him, and screaming at him (which was normal for this dysfunctional family), and I THOUGHT I picked up a large knife and stabbed him in his upper spine. What really happened is I had a brief blackout. When I came too, still standing, well...so was he...still standing. I had not grabbed the knife and stabbed him.

At that point the depression hit. I think what happened is my 14 year old mind realized I could not control the situation of my father being the nasty drunk every day. And because of this I became very angry inside...and this lead to the depression.

Ok, I'm much older now...maybe wiser. I know I have to do things to control the depression. And I work at it. I cannot blame him or anyone else for this sadness. I realize that. I am much better than I used to be. I try so very hard to not fall into the "victim mentality". I realize that many of us have very dysfunctional upbringings. It's up to us to stop the cycle.

Growing up in a difficult family can really mess us up. I wish all of you well.

Depression definetely runs in the DNA, but is stronger in women. My mother was bi-polar, my dad was depressed, my grandmothers were nasty depressed & there are 2 suicides from 2 generations in my family. My doctor told me he treats ALOT of mothers/daughters for depression. Its actually pretty common. We have 2 granddaughters in our family, they are both acutely depressed. The grandsons, not so bad, mildly. I think of it as sort of a family curse. I always wanted a daughter, now I am glad I only had boys. I couldnt bare to watch a child of mine suffer with this...

well while upbringing does contribute to soley blame that I dont agree with and I feel to heal from a bad upbringing blaming and anger sows the process...BUT anyone can start a group and I am sure others relate and may be a good way to vent.

I like post number 14.
By April.
I understand what you are saying.
As an adult I do have the power to change. Yes. And yes it does take effort, energy.

And as I said in another thread. It may mean therapy, positive people in your life, maybe medical help, medication, help period. I have done self help, books, Internet, support groups like this one.
It's tough if you feel you are on your own to deal with crap.
I want to heal. Yes. That much I do know. I do think that is a choice. Don't want to play the victim and i do want the inner peace you talk of

Do I blame my parents for my depression and in my case anxiety too?
Well in a way. Yes. I feel the early years of my life pretty much set me on the path I went on. some of it maybe genetic but environment certainly contributed to it too.
It may seem that I'm contradicting myself to what I just said that I don't want to be the victim and I take responsibility for how I am NOW but science does not lie.

when there is childhood abuse, trauma, neglect, etc. it does something to the brain. I don't have the scientific explanation off the top of my head but there are articles on child abuse and the effects it has on the brain.
I wish I can remember the article but I read somewhere that the brain was studied in abused kids and their brains had the same pattern as soldiers who had fought and had PTSD.

Naturegirl65, I've seen that article too. From what I remember, it said abuse in a person's developmental years physiologically changes the structure of their brain and its synapses. It made me very depressed at first because to me it meant I didn't have as much control over my present and future as I had come to believe. I mean, really, you're not only fighting your past, but your own biology. Fortunately, there are now a number of ways to do that too.

Sometimes you can't seem to help falling in to that "why me" pit. I'm just thankful we know more about how to reverse or work with these changes now than in the past. It may be unfair that we have to fight so hard to get what others seem to take for granted, but that shouldn't stop us from doing our best to achieve it nonetheless.

me as #3 to remember the same or similar articles:

1. childhood trauma can alter a person's dna or brain chemistry....according to whatever article....certain brain switches are turned off---and for good, even after the trauma is long over, supposedly.

2. depressed brains are supposedly smaller; depression can shrink your brain.

Its not so much that I blame my parents as I blame myself for not being able to stick up to my parents for always putting me down, and pushing my mental illness to the side.

Toxic parent? Yes, I can say that it has a lot to do with how I grew up, and I have no qualms about that. It didn't help that there was a lot of depression in my family, yet the circumstances are what led to my depression, and the more the circumstances got worse, the worse my depression became. I'm not saying that I blame anyone, but yes, I am to be honest. Due to a lot of different things that happened in my life, I know those things changed who I could have been. I'm not begrudging my family, but I do have resentment, even though I know I should be over that by now. I always loved my mother but I disrespect her the older I get. I don't think I was suppose to be a caretaker growing up, I was suppose to be a kid and I never got that opportunity. And now that I am past being an adult, I am treated like a child. Double sword, all the way.

masochism, or one foot in grave dept: not so anonymous photo of ex-family homestead, in "my" (?) toxic parents group, with a first question, if anybody wants to....whatever.

@Penntucky. You created a "toxic parent". Group?
That's great. I will check it out.
I'm not sure how much I will contribute because I have talked about my parents so much I don't know if it's conducive to healing.
I'm not sure.
But in support of you I will visit the group.

Maybe post an announcement topic in this group that you've created the "toxic" group OR invite the DS friends you have.
Just to let people know the group exists. Your post in this thread may get overlooked.

I wish you well.

@countrygirl. I have been mad at myself more times than I count for not being able to speak my mind. It's like I have a block to do that. I don't have the confidence and skills to tell you the truth.
And I'm afraid as well.

@gramy, Resentment? I still have resentment, it's like I struggle with that because I feel like i am making progress and i let go or i make the conscious effort to release the past and forget but then then something comes up to remind me or parents are still acting in a way that can hurt and I try and be present and think of here and now and I also consider that we are all getting old and I try and keep the peace. I resent that I don't have childhood memories that make me smile and fill me with delight.
Someone on DS a while back asked me about if I have any good memories from growing up. I had some but they involved me being out with nature and animals, or to do with food or receiving gifts at Christmas, watching tv, cartoons. I wish I could say yes that my mom and dad and I had a close family bond and we had great conversations and they were always there for me and we had fun times. And they hugged and loved and kissed me. No. I can't say that and I wish I could and I am sad for that loss. And I am envious of others who say that they have an awesome mother or an awesome father and they tell their story.
My mother was and is like a child. I didn't and don't have a mother who I could turn to. She has her own crap to deal with. I understand that, and my father is a bully to her. They deserve each other though. Neither one is innocent.

I don't think any of this venting really helps.

I'm going to listen to music. I have my dog. I have Unconditional love right there with me.

i totally know that my mother helped create anxiety in all of her children. a closet is NOT a playroom...yet that is where i spent a good majority of my childhood. it had a light and i could hide behind the rack of clothes.

i turned 18 and ran for my life...literally.

BUMP