Thank you for sharing. Having lived with Depression everyday for decades, it gives an understanding, that we with Depression have a much different Happiness Scale. It is like wearing a painful pair of shoes, and the relief of taking them off. Those without Depression will think nothing of removing their shoes, because their shoes don't hurt them. They can then do other fun things, because they don't have to rest their feet. We then see only that we are missing the fun. We are judging ourselves by their Happiness Meter, when ours is different. A morning without a great weight pressing us down is actually a "happy" thing, but not if we use someone's Happiness Scale, who doesn't give a second thought about getting out of bed. You are important, and thank you for being here. No shame in getting help from a Doctor, Therapist, or Counselor. Thank you. God Bless.

I did some self-harm like you described when I was a teenager. I thought that the pain would overshadow my depression. Well it didn't and it didn't get me anywhere. I didn't have the guts to commit suicide. You know what happened? Over the years I got busy with life, got a new job, got a boyfriend, moved, and keeping busy got me over it.
Unfortunately, we're all suffering right now. Can't do most of those things, so it's causing more depression. I recently had to go on a new medication, which seems to be helping. I understand to some point, but please don't do any self-harm. Try and keep busy, that wards of depression. Keeping busy always worked for me, but with the pandemic, it's very hard to fight it off. You're not the only one right now. Maybe you need to talk to someone, get a counselor? I would tell my Primary doctor just how you're feeling. Do that first. Then, Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. We are are.

Firstly. The fact you haven’t self harmed in a few months - that is something to be proud of, be proud of yourself. Don’t beat yourself for thoughts of relapse, hey if it happened it just starts your streak again-I am not encouraging it, simply reminding yourself to ask yourself questions...
- what’s the trigger can it be removed, changed? If so do this.
- if not, or you don’t know it, this is okay too... what will it achieve? Will it make you feel better?
It’s confusing, conflicting, frustrating, emotionally draining and quite frankly cruel, but why not fight and beat it?

I haven't self harmed in a couple of months

GOOD!

but man its taking everything in me not to burn myself with cigarettes.

BAD!!

Great replies. Especially Maria's. Being very busy