It feels impossible for me to truly be affected by having fun or doing something relaxing. To me its just like satisfying a need, it doesn't feel good anymore, but I do it to prevent from completely shutting down.
Life feels like a transaction for me, because it is. I provide some company with my time and they let me keep living by giving me money. I don't enjoy my time working there, I don't make friends while working, I haven't advanced anywhere I've worked. I don't see the point. I don't make friends even when I'm in a pleasant mood, something about me must be closed off, I considered that I may be ugly, though I don't think thats the case, because I know people openly hate ugly people, while I am just ignored. I'm not sure why I wrote any of that. Not sure why I'm writing here right now. I geniunely see no reason to continue living here as I have nothing to look forward to. Only reason I'm still here is because killing myself while I haven't completely sunk is stupid, once I get pulled over by a cop or if I become homeless will I finally die. Unfortunately I am almost completely healthy with nothing other than my mental illness keeping me in check. I wish it were possible for someone else to take my body, someone who actually likes being alive, but is sick or something.

I have prayed to God to just take me out a few times, I can't go on in the sinful world and sinful body.
But He has a plan & purpose for all of us, He will help us get through anything.
Ending it is not the answer.
Feel free to message me, I have hardly any friends or social life so this is one of my places where I connect with people.

I'll pray for you & everyone else here who's battling.

IT IS NOT OVER!

REMEMBER FEELINGS CAN BE DECEIVING
SOMTIMES THEY'RE NOT EVEN YOURS & THE ENEMY IS PUTTING THEM THERE

DO NOT GIVE UP

Bluepath. Being different and polite are good qualities that often go unnoticed from those who are blindly walking on earth thinking they’re going somewhere in life.

If you allow me, I’d like to offer you a slight suggestion. Instead of critiquing the qualities most are not familiar with I challenge you to start appreciating and owning.

A young respected hardworking Alfa male is valuable in this world. We’re all here to serve one another and remember patience is a virtue when the right attitude emerges at just the right time. You will know in your own heart when is the right time to decide enough is enough when ignored.

Humans are unpredictable creatures but those who are godly we know each other by our fruits. The way we speak, the way we behave, how we communicate and what we convey in our speech.

It is all important my Bluepath child. Mom & Dad love you couldn’t imagine. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

I’ve become a loner myself and I’ve been homeless too. I’ve had to face my worst nightmare poverty in a blink of an eye but as you can see the fact is I’m still here because I choose to be me despite what another thinks.

Keep posting and sharing on dailystrength. One is never alone.

I too have often felt unappreciated but I know my children keep me feeling alive and their love endures in me. And my love for them will endure in them forever.

Bluepath, you have some useful and caring answers above.
If you don’t like your life the way it is, you have to change things!
Einstein said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. If you want things to be different then you need to do things differently. In your post and your reply you seem to have made a decision that this is how your life is going to be.
Clearly you’re suffering and you’re not happy with the prospects you think are ahead of you, so why not just make a decision to be happy and pursue things that make you happy?
Yes, you can absolutely do it!
I highly recommend Master Stephen Co, start doing his free meditations and you’ll change your life! There are some other good suggestions above too. You need to stop expecting others and life to change, you have to change and get yourself out of the victim mentality you are in. You can do this one day at a time! Every time you catch yourself having a negative thought, make yourself find 3 things to be grateful for. This way you’re generating new neural pathways and are literally rewiring your brain. Our brains are complex, changing and changeable, so anyone can do this! Start a daily gratitude practice. Pay attention to and focus on the good things in your life. Start with small things. The sun is shining. It’s a new day, a new opportunity! It feels good to breathe. That tree is beautiful. That’s a great, vibrant colour there. And expand every day, noticing beautiful and great things and be grateful for them. It’ll change your focus.
You can absolutely have friendship and love, but first become your own best friend, always be your own best friend! And also learn to like and love yourself! You’re a wonderful and unique human being and you’re here for a reason. You’re here to enjoy life and to make the most of your life!
Follow my instructions and you’ll change your life for the better! You can do this and ONLY YOU can do this, nobody can do it for your or instead of you! Take responsibility for your life, nobody is doing this to you, you’re doing it to yourself and you can change it! You have the power and the opportunity to change your life! It’s very exciting!
Sending you best wishes, you can do it!

I appreciate the post, but ultimately its just coping. Everyone else just gets along their lives and never had to do anything I would have to do to even have a chance at being happy. Which even then is already so preposterous. It's a fools errand and I'm sick of being some joke, because that all I am.
I am sick of it. I don't even want to live anymore. I don't like this world and especially the people in it. You don't understand what it's like. I suffer and all I hear from everyone is that its my fault, or that I'm crazy. I never wanted to be this way. I don't enjoy anything, I'm incapable of love, I'm not attractive enough to be liked, I don't have a socially acceptable personality, I'm not interesting. I'm virtually worthless as a man and human. I don't care anymore either, so just tell me that I need to stop wallowing in self pity and "do something", which is asinine. When I have the chance to do something to make me "happy" I take it. Then life comes along and reminds me that I'm dirt. In subtle ways, its as if nature is trying to tell me I'm not welcome. That I'm defective. Judging how my life is going I would agree. The world is doing everything to make sure that I know I'm not welcome. I wouldn't have gone through my life shedding friends and ending up ultimately alone if this world was a good place. It's not, at the very least not for people like me. Nothing is going to change. It's been twenty five years I've lived on this planet and I've missed out on so much of life and all those experiences that give others purpose. I can't RELATE to you people anymore. It's like im some alien invader, or a foreigner from a far away country. I simply don't relate to anyone anymore. I haven't got much else to say besides that. I just wish I didn't have to suffer anymore.

I’m so sorry your hurting life can be so difficult and not fair
I’ve been struggling so much lately
Please hang on it can get better. Depression will lie to you. It will fill your thinking with negativity. But it’s lies
You matter. You are important. People do care
Any small thing you can do each day please try. Can you go out and walk in nature feel the sun
Can you keep journaling and let up your pain
Can you find enjoyment in any small thing
Are u able to see a therapist.
Please keep trying.

It's not lies. It's just seeing the world clearly for what it is. I can't just ignore how I am treated. I can't ignore this gnawing feeling of inadequacy and insecurity. I see how others are treated for expressing their feelings. As a man I am expected to be strong and confident and all this shit but I'm not. Pretending has never felt good, but thats what people want and I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of not being myself. I'm sick of being alone.

Did you know that I do feel good and "normal" sometimes. I sometimes just let myself be proud or happy or contented, but later on it all comes back to punish me. Even if nothing happens, mind will force me into unease. Today I went to an interview, did well and assume I got the job. Though later as I sit at home and ponder my life. I remember that I'm actual human garbage, that everyone who is trying to be nice to me is doing it out of pity and not because they like me for who I am. Nobody does. It happens all the time. I continue to let people down. Living or dying is irrelevant at this point. All my life is now just going through the motions. I keep hoping that I don't have to take fate into my own hands. I just want proof that my life was just going nowhere. Just kill me God. Kill me. If you even exist. Seeing how horrible this world is, how horrible my life is and how my case isn't unique. My guess is that God is either an evil being or simply doesn't exist. I only write here because I have no where else to whine. I don't have friends I trust with my deeper feelings and I would never talk with my family about my emotional problems. I've gone to therapy, but being broke aI of course can't afford it anymore, not that it did any good anyways. I'm broken and the vital pieces needed to fix me are long gone. I'm just scattered shards of glass and dust.

Having it beat into you since you were a kid that you're worthless and seeing that in reality nobody cares about who you are, they only care about how you make them feel and what they can get from you. Love is impossible for men like me. Happiness double so. I don't have a purpose. I just exist and for that I am punished every single day. I have no idea if you know what it's like, I certainly hope nobody here does. Seeing people smiling, talking or just getting along with another.
Knowing that I am incapable of these connections anymore. It is rare for me to be at ease anymore, its a fleeting feeling and over and then I'm back to reality. I don't have the energy for it. People keep screaming at me everywhere I go. Everyone keeps saying that I'm wrong about everything, yet they also say that its my fault that I'm suffering and that I have to all this mumbo jumbo to not even get better, but to just stay stable. Nobody would ever want a person like me as a friend when I'm like this, but I have no drive to change how I am... because I am me. I can't give what is expected of me. Telling me not to care what others think and to "love myself". Please, the reason I am alone and spend all my time in isolation is because I wanted to what I wanted to. The idea of going outside and aimlessly wandering my dangerous city doesn't seem appealing, though being shot to death by gangbangers or stabbed and robbed by a homeless person doesn't seem so unappealing. I wanted to wait for death by cop, as I can easily escalate the situation to my death.
I've said it a billion times, but I should be able to safely and legally take my own life. Some kind of poison or lethal injection, but instead I have to result to painful methods to fix it.