Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hi, I am new to this group and am distressed b/c I don't know how to handle this:
I have a 27 year old daughter, who lives with me in an apartment. She's an only child, very smart and pretty, excelled in college. Seemed like she had a bright future ahead ofher. Now, I don't know how to handle this: PLEASE can someone help me, I'll describe below, but if anyone can give me some tips on what to say to her, oh would I love that.
Things really started getting out of control, when she was horsing around with a male friend of hers who was trying to give her a piggy back ride. Well they both toppled over, and since my daughter was higher up, she crashed down hard and broke all her front teeth. I didn't find out what happened until much later, she was telling me she was walking and she fell (of course I didn't believe her).
Even though she's pretty and approachable, when a male seems interested in her, she goes overboard, gets ridiculously excited, probably has sex with them too soon, and then whatever relationship she has, fails. So, she's an only child who can't seem to get a mate, and is very lonely. No self esteem at all.
One of the thing she did was invest all her money in a really dumb investment, that a guy she knew told her to invest in. She had her money invested in a place where they WERE making her money. Of course, this new investment isn't making her money, it's losing.
Just recently, at her job in a medical office, an office manager from another company called with a problem, my daughter helped this manager, manager told her over the phone how smart she was and how she wished she had employees like my daughter. Next thing you know, this "stranger" over the phone is offering my daughter a job interview via Skype. They have the interview, and my daughter comes out of her room beyond ridiculously excited, teling me she got another job, and that she is going to quit her old job. I ask her how much money she'll make, and she tells me it's LESS than what she's making now. Next day, she told me she quit her old job, then she shows me the "contract" she signed. Well get this, she's making less money, has only FIVE PTO days a year (yes you read it right, FIVE), works longer hours and works every other Saturday and they stuck her with the front desk medical office position, where she works her butt off. (The "contract" didn't state her Job position). I was totally dumfounded that she would do something so stupid. She didn't even go and SEE her new office job, where it's located, nor find out if they had any parking, PLUS it's further away from home, and she has a car with over 100,000 miles on it!!! She's an adult now--I can't believe she did this, and now the depression is really showing big time, and being her mom, of course she won't talk to me, and she has no one to turn to, we have an extremely small (almost non-existant) family.
I tried to gently talk to her and ask her what's wrong, and that if she had a problem I knew a place where she could talk to someone to help her. Of course, she refused and won't talk.
If she's not at work, then she's home, always laying around, never doing anything at home at all, never talking, just laying in her bed, staring at her phone, never ever getting any exercise or fresh air. Her mail just piles up, and even though it's very important, she doesn't open it. She lays in bed in her room with the windows and doors closed, and it's hot as hell in there, and she ends up falling asleep real early b/c it's so hot in there. One time I just went in there and opened the window myself (but she wouldn't do it on her own).
I've tried. I'm at wits end. I don't know what to do, it's very painful for me to see her like this. Most of her friends have moved on, gotten married, good jobs, or moved away. And she's still home laying around. Please if anyone can advise me on what to do or say to help her, I would appreciate it so much!!
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Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light. John 12:36, NIV
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According to His riches in glory refers to a biblical promise found in Philippians 4:19, which states that God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. This verse emphasizes God's provision and generosity towards believers.
Barring that she needs an older female mentor that she trusts and respects to give her some savvy in dealing with men, jobs, and investments. I don't suppose you know any women she admires? I would be concerned too. My concern is she will end up a single mom and then her options become severely limited.
By the way what is the relevance of the broken teeth? Did she not get them fixed and thus has self esteem issues? Hopefully she can get some caps or implants.
The self-isolation and avoiding communication with family, staring on the phone to wait for a reply, refusing to participate in family life,...... It seems that your daughter is depressed and dejected, or feels rejected by a certain someone.... It seems that your daughter is avoiding you because you are probing her to disclose things that are too painful to reveal and wishes to avoid....... Do you agree?
Perhaps you can open the discussion by treating your daughter like a friend of her own age. When you lower yourself to her level, perhaps you may succeed in coaxing her to disclose her secrets, since your openness and your friendship would remove the perceived threats she feels she may attract in revealing things that her mother would definitely disapprove and punish.
Ladies and gentlemen of the forum, do you have any ideas to help maria718? I watch too many movies over the years, my mind is tainted by melodramas. We really need advice from our relationship veterans on the forum to help Maria here. ....<<<<SOS>>>>>
It sounds by your message that you may have judged your daughters actions in the past because you care. However this can cause communication problems between a parent and child. Rather then saying an action is dumb or irresponsible, you might consider reframing your words so they are more supportive or educational. Asking your daughter what she found more attractive about the new job and if she noticed what the upsides and downsides are. This may allow her to make better decisions for herself.
It sounds like your daughter may be afraid to come to you because she will be judged. She has to make her own decisions regardless of what anyone thinks she should do. But helping her notice the pros and cons of her decisions can teach her independence. Remember you were young once and I am sure you made mistakes also. Try not to judge your daughter as “dumb and lazy”. Please do not compare her to her friends. She may notice this herself and think something is wrong with her. Remember you are trying to bring her out of her shell. Be gentle to win her trust back. She may have a problem she is afraid to tell you. She may lack self-esteem. It could be a number of things.
If you want to talk with her you will need to reframe how you look at things. Let her know that you will listen to whatever she has to say, no comments or judgements, just listen. And if she has any questions you are there for her no matter what. If she wants help she will ask for it. If she does ask for help, ask her what she would like the outcome to be and help from that perspective. Please if she tells you something shocking do not yell or blow-up. She needs you to be calm.
You yourself might consider seeking out a therapist for your own support and to see how best to approach the situation.
I have a sister who is younger than me who went through a similar thing. Turns out she is bi-polar and did not know how to manage her feelings and thoughts and was scared of being judged. Because of how my parents handled the situation, she cut them off for a long time and almost 30 years later still will barely talk to my dad. I in the last 5 years have brought her out of her shell, taught her some life skills and recently helped her with obtaining income through SSI. Most of all, I let her know no matter what, I am there for her and she can come to me with anything. It took me a long time to gain her trust.
Sorry this is so long, but I hope it can help you have a relationship with your daughter. Best wishes.
I suggest consult with a mental health professional, and depending on the diagnosis, therapy and possibly pharmaceutical management.
At work, with men.. and other situations.
She might have grown up thinking she only had value when she's making others happy...or going along with what they want?
Even as a young adult female... she may not have recognized that this is what's going on with her n driving her to make bad decisions.
The retreat back into her room... with no regards to her comfort level (again a sign of her not even feeling likes she deserves comfortable environment)... might be her depression manifesting itself.
She's having issues, can't identify them, feel like she's pleasing others...n still she doesn't feel happy...bc she doesn't know how to meet her own needs... have her own dreams, wishes, and goals met.
It is very common growing up in a codependent home, where neglect or drug/ addictions were prevalent, parent w a disorder, or abusive/ traumatic childhood.
I think she needs therapy. Learn how to set n create boundaries. Learn to Express n label what her needs n wants are. Deal w the people pleasing. All this can help with the depression or lack of drive.
I don't think it's a case of just being lazy.
Sending you light and love.