Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I posted.  I was struggling then.  Amazingly, things have gotten even more difficult. I wasn't sure they could be more difficult...but they are.

I've been busy going to physical therapy as I had a bad accident and was not walking for a while due to my leg being very broken. This happened in December. I am finally walking, with a lot of pain though.  I've been able to go back to work even though I walk with a big bulky leg brace, but it's ok I guess.  I did get very sick this week...I'm missing so much work.

Amazingly, about two weeks ago, my mom who is 84 fell and broke her hip.  It impacted her greatly.  They did emergency surgery and she was admitted to the hospital, then abruptly transferred to the ICU where she nearly passed away.  Our whole family was devastated.  My family is very dysfunctional as I may have explained before, but I've made a committment in the past few years to make up with them and salvage whatever is there, which is why I went to IOP last March.  I'm certainly glad that I did.  My mom has very fluctuating blood pressure, which did cause her to fall. She also has COPD, which is news to me, and additionally caught pnemonia.  Last week I felt like I was under the biggest stress of my life.  I have been going to work, newly walking on my very sore leg, then to physical therapy, then to the hospital to see mom. It is exhausting. Nothing could get me ready for being in the ICU when they told me they wanted to intubate her.  My world was collapsing. She pulled out of it and they didnt' have to. If they did I am pretty sure she would not have survived.

In the main lobby I met up with my brother who I really hadn't talked to in some years. He used to be very physically abusive to me and other women in his life as well which was the reason for the rift in my family.  This very narcissistic person had a breakdown and apologized to me. First time in life thirty years...I don't know. We were both crying hysterically. I mean neither of us want to lose our mom. It was just terrible. I do feel less hostility toward him now but I still don't know if I want to develop a really close relationship with him. It was years of abuse.

Today is his birthday. We were supposed to get together at the facility that my mom is staying at and eat there. I am horribly sick so I can't go, obviously with my mom being on oxygen.  My mom's condition continues to fluctuate, some days they don't do physical therapy with her because her blood pressure is too low and they don't want her to fall.  On the other hand, she really needs to be getting that therapy.  I can't visit her for about a week being contagious. We have to text because she can barely talk with her lung condition.  I don't want to lose my mom. But I may have to face up to it.  I don't see being mad at my brother, yet I also don't see a really close relationship with him in the future. I can't be buds with someone who literally wanted to destroy me, sorry or not.

I am also really sick right now and missing even more work, on top of my injury.  My one friend group is mostly gone now...maybe that is for the best...but maybe better will take its place. I also want to work outside of the United States and take up a second residence, I am very serious about this now, and I also don't want to be away from my mom. I wonder if she gets better if she can come stay with me. My plan is to have a home abroad, and maybe here too.

Things were already difficult, I can hardly believe they've gotten this much harder.  Given my mom's age, though, something like this may have been inevitable. I am pretty sad.