Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
This site destroyed my last post, so here it goes again, saved into note so it doesn't happen again.
You people may be the only ones in the past two weeks I've even spoken to. That said, I hope someone can help me.
My name is Meg. I like doing crafts, reading, writing, drawing, singing, gaming, and cooking.
I can't enjoy any of these things. I have been living with clinical depression which my doctor once described as 'vegetative' and 'melencholy', since I was about 9 years old. I changed from the happy little kid I had been to something... less. I have migraines on a weekly basis which were so bad I didn't go to my last month of high school. My weight is an active detriment to my health, and I don't enjoy living. I haven't talked to anyone but my mother, who I live with, for the past... well, not counting work people, month. I forget to eat, I forget to drink, I put off going to the bathroom when I need to, and sometimes neglect to sleep for days. I can't make habits, no matter how hard I try. My family isn't a support system, it's a stress. Every time I have to see them, all I think about is that they want me to be happy. So I act happy. We have fun, and then I go home, and I... stop. I just get deeply tired, and all the color seems to drain from the world.
I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want this thought, this obsession with this thought, that if I hadn't existed today, nothing would have changed. I didn't NEED to be here, because I didn't touch the world, and something in me didn't let it touch me.
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I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
My childhood wasn't the worst, I don't think. My father left my mother when I was a baby, so that was never a thing. My mother is my rock, and she's always been there for me. My second father, unofficial stepfather (never married) was a bit worse, though. He was from a very old fashioned family, and he had different ideas about how I should be raised. My mother talked to me about it, and we decided, together, when I was about 12 or 13, that it was time to leave. So we did. We've been on our own, thick as very sarcastic and cynical thieves, ever since. That's why I think my problem has less to do with my home life and more with something wrong in my brain.
I am a firm believer that there are two basic types of triggers for our depression: "brain chemistry" and life experiences. Meds may help us get a handle on life experiences (such as abusive parenting), but I believe that the ultimate fix for this is to get a handle on those experiences and manage the triggers. Meds will, in my humble opinion, be a great help for us if our depression is tied to brain chemistry. Sadly this chemistry thing is not well understood, and it can take years of trial and error to get the med balance just right.
But please, keep pounding on the health care services you do have access to (MollGirl has good experience there!).
Gentle hugs
I'm having urges to tell you to go on wellbutrin. They did some tests on rats a while ago who were damaged in the part of the brain that processes dopamine, and their urges to move/act just stopped. Just stopped. The rats would starve to death right next to food - but if food was put in their mouths they would enjoy it.
Does this sound like you?
If it does, I know that wellbutrin is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor and I have been on and off (and on again recently) and found it very motivating. Like activity was unlocked. Shall I mow the lawns? Boom, done. Shall I ride my bike? Boom, done. Prior to that getting myself to do things was hard work.
meanwhile though, over all the years when I didn't know there was anything wrong, I learned to use music to trigger activity. so every morning I put on my 'housework' music and then that meant I would do housework. While the music played I did the chores. The music would stop and I would grind to a halt. :D
So anyway that's my tupp'orth. I hope you come to an answer. Your doctor will know far better than I do, but they do tend to gravitate towards the easy answer, and 'depressed' is such an easy answer.
And yeah, if food is made, I'll eat it, but when I look in a cupboard and it's FULL of food, it just looks like nothing applicable is in it. Like my cupboards are literally stuffed, and it may as well be full of cotton, as much good as it does me. I do listen to music a lot, and though it really doesn't matter WHAT I listen to, I almost always have it on if I want to clean or whatnot.
I'm writing to give you a few suggestions to consider because they may not have occurred to you yet. If transportation is a problem of getting to a doctor, consider asking someone besides your mom for a ride. You don't have to tell them what the appointment is for, just that you need a ride to an important medical appointment. Or even that you need a ride, and offer to pay them for gas. Another option would be to take an Uber of Lyft car to an appointment.
I also highly recommend finding a support group and/or therapist in your area. There are free support groups for people with depression, and I've been going for about 2 months now and really get a lot out of it. You may also find a therapist who works on a sliding scale since you do not currently have health insurance.