Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
This site destroyed my last post, so here it goes again, saved into note so it doesn't happen again.
You people may be the only ones in the past two weeks I've even spoken to. That said, I hope someone can help me.
My name is Meg. I like doing crafts, reading, writing, drawing, singing, gaming, and cooking.
I can't enjoy any of these things. I have been living with clinical depression which my doctor once described as 'vegetative' and 'melencholy', since I was about 9 years old. I changed from the happy little kid I had been to something... less. I have migraines on a weekly basis which were so bad I didn't go to my last month of high school. My weight is an active detriment to my health, and I don't enjoy living. I haven't talked to anyone but my mother, who I live with, for the past... well, not counting work people, month. I forget to eat, I forget to drink, I put off going to the bathroom when I need to, and sometimes neglect to sleep for days. I can't make habits, no matter how hard I try. My family isn't a support system, it's a stress. Every time I have to see them, all I think about is that they want me to be happy. So I act happy. We have fun, and then I go home, and I... stop. I just get deeply tired, and all the color seems to drain from the world.
I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want this thought, this obsession with this thought, that if I hadn't existed today, nothing would have changed. I didn't NEED to be here, because I didn't touch the world, and something in me didn't let it touch me.
I used to go to a therapist, but she wasn't any help. Because it's not an emotional issue unless I'm having a particularly bad day (which usually happens at night when I'm at home, not during the day when I have appointments), all it ended up being was me telling her my life story and not actually getting anything out of it. I have no issues with talking about things, because there's nothing particularly painful about doing so. I'm just soul-deep tired some days, and therapy never did do much. As for support groups, as you saw with the one I have access to in my home and still didn't do anything with for several days, going to a support group requires inclination that I, for the most part, do not have. I know how it would be. I would go for 4 days religiously, then wait a few days, then go again, then forget about them entirely. Or, if it's a weekly thing, go for a few sessions if my mother forced me to, then something would come up and I would miss a session, like a schedule change or somesuch, and I would never go again.
I don't really have anyone who I would trust to take me anywhere, since my only friend doesn't have a vehicle, and I've always been really wary of taxis and Uber/Lyft people, because... well, paranoia probably. I've watched way too many crime shows, and just because I'm nihilistic some days doesn't mean I'm willing to accidentally step into a serial killer's car and then have that serial killer's thing be fat, depressed chicks.
Maybe it is that thing you said, about obstacles, but sometimes it really does feel like I'm backed into a corner. Like my mother always says, "You always find a million reasons NOT to do something", to which my reply is usually, "If I find reasons not to do something, doesn't that mean I shouldn't/can't do it?" She hasn't been able to give me a good answer to that question yet.
the answer to mum's question is that what you look for is what you will find. Look for a reason not to, you will always find one. Look for a reason to do it? You will always find those too.
So what you are looking for is what you will get. Self fulfilling. If you want to live you have to look for the reasons TO do something, that is what she is trying to say.
Sometimes energy can operate as a feedback loop. You don't get any if you don't spend any. :)
PS how are the poppyseeds? Let me know how you get on when you get to go to the doctor! :)
I think your reaching out and posting are two good things when you don't feel like doing anything. I hope you keep posting and I know good people are right here to support you.