Depression Support Group
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I am so sick and tired of being held to higher standards than men when it comes to my sex life. Extremely tired of it.
For the most part, I do not sleep around. I generally only sleep with guys I am actually dating, though I have had a couple "friends with benefits" type of dealios in the past. Sometimes though it gets really hard trying to "keep my numbers down" and whatnot. My ex broke up with me over 8 and a half months ago. I haven't had sex since. Hell, I haven't even fooled around at all since. It was getting to the point where I was so fucking sexually frustrated that I just couldn't handle it anymore. The past few months I've been drinking a lot more than usual and I know it is because I was sexually frustrated. It happens to everyone - male or female. So why is it that when I finally say "fuck it, I'm getting myself laid!" I am made to feel like I've done something dirty or wrong, meanwhile all the guys around me go out hunting tail every freaking weekend, and that's okay? I don't get it. We all have needs, regardless of our gender. Once you've become sexually active you really can't just stop. I've gone extremely long periods of time between sexual encounters, solely because I don't want to be a slut (and also I am petrified of herpes... but mostly it's the slut thing..) But I am starting to see how totally unfair that is. Why is it that I have to feel ashamed when I start seeing someone and they ask how many guys I have been with? Why is it that it doesn't seem to matter how many girls a guy has been with? Not freaking fair!
Last night I finally did say "fuck it!" and I went out with this guy I met on the weekend (who, by the way, is suuuuuper cute!) and I slept with him. God, do I ever feel a million times better! It's like I can finally breathe again! But what happened when I rolled in this morning? My brother, whom I live with, asked me, of course, what time I got home last night. I told him I didn't, I just got home this morning. Right away he was like "did you seriously sleep with that guy on your first date?" I replied with honesty, "yes... yes I did." Then of course he gives me a speech about how I shouldn't sleep with a guy on the first date and blah blah blah. I get it, he's my brother, but the thing is he is perfectly okay with me having sex - in fact we are very open with each other about it. But somehow it is different when I am not in a relationship, apparently. So I responded to him asking "so, how many girls have you slept with in the past 8 months while my legs have been glued shut?" He said "that's different"... and I said "no.. it's not. I know of at least 4 you have been with since I moved here 5 months ago.. how is that okay, but me sleeping with one dude after 8 months of getting nothing not okay?" And he said "because it is different for guys. We need sex and we can't just get it all the time. A girl can get sex whenever she wants it, we have to work for it so we take it when we can get it" So I responded with "so why is it not okay for me to, once in a while, when I really need it, to give in and have myself a romp?" That's when the conversation ended.
So here is my question that I want to pose to everyone here, but especially the males:
Do you hold women to a different standard than you hold men? Why?
(and please answer honestly... I'm not going to hate you or be mad about whatever your answer is... clearly I still love and care about all my guy friends and my brother despite the fact that they all unanimously seem to hold the above opinion..."
For the most part, I do not sleep around. I generally only sleep with guys I am actually dating, though I have had a couple "friends with benefits" type of dealios in the past. Sometimes though it gets really hard trying to "keep my numbers down" and whatnot. My ex broke up with me over 8 and a half months ago. I haven't had sex since. Hell, I haven't even fooled around at all since. It was getting to the point where I was so fucking sexually frustrated that I just couldn't handle it anymore. The past few months I've been drinking a lot more than usual and I know it is because I was sexually frustrated. It happens to everyone - male or female. So why is it that when I finally say "fuck it, I'm getting myself laid!" I am made to feel like I've done something dirty or wrong, meanwhile all the guys around me go out hunting tail every freaking weekend, and that's okay? I don't get it. We all have needs, regardless of our gender. Once you've become sexually active you really can't just stop. I've gone extremely long periods of time between sexual encounters, solely because I don't want to be a slut (and also I am petrified of herpes... but mostly it's the slut thing..) But I am starting to see how totally unfair that is. Why is it that I have to feel ashamed when I start seeing someone and they ask how many guys I have been with? Why is it that it doesn't seem to matter how many girls a guy has been with? Not freaking fair!
Last night I finally did say "fuck it!" and I went out with this guy I met on the weekend (who, by the way, is suuuuuper cute!) and I slept with him. God, do I ever feel a million times better! It's like I can finally breathe again! But what happened when I rolled in this morning? My brother, whom I live with, asked me, of course, what time I got home last night. I told him I didn't, I just got home this morning. Right away he was like "did you seriously sleep with that guy on your first date?" I replied with honesty, "yes... yes I did." Then of course he gives me a speech about how I shouldn't sleep with a guy on the first date and blah blah blah. I get it, he's my brother, but the thing is he is perfectly okay with me having sex - in fact we are very open with each other about it. But somehow it is different when I am not in a relationship, apparently. So I responded to him asking "so, how many girls have you slept with in the past 8 months while my legs have been glued shut?" He said "that's different"... and I said "no.. it's not. I know of at least 4 you have been with since I moved here 5 months ago.. how is that okay, but me sleeping with one dude after 8 months of getting nothing not okay?" And he said "because it is different for guys. We need sex and we can't just get it all the time. A girl can get sex whenever she wants it, we have to work for it so we take it when we can get it" So I responded with "so why is it not okay for me to, once in a while, when I really need it, to give in and have myself a romp?" That's when the conversation ended.
So here is my question that I want to pose to everyone here, but especially the males:
Do you hold women to a different standard than you hold men? Why?
(and please answer honestly... I'm not going to hate you or be mad about whatever your answer is... clearly I still love and care about all my guy friends and my brother despite the fact that they all unanimously seem to hold the above opinion..."
But I just don't feel like it is enough to just not accept it myself, we need to change the way men and women think about sexual standards. I can not care all I want, but the standards are still there and that's not going to change by me simply refusing to care...
Good guys buy into misogynist ideas. I don't want to miss out on oppourtunities with good guys because they are disgusted by my sexual past. I know someone is going to say that if a guy judges me like that he's not worth my time, but I'm just saying, there are guys out there who are just awesome but who, unwittingly, hold misogynist beliefs and who don't even realize how wrong it is to judge women the way they do because it's just "normal." I would say that MOST men think this way. That's why it bothers me.
KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!
While my thinking is not in line with the double standard, I think I know how it got started.
Let's face it - women sleep with whomever they want to. Men, on the other hand, are restricted only to the women who will sleep with them. I think, because of this natural truth, over time, men came up with a way to TRY to make women feel badly when they behave like men (humans). The more women feel guilty or dirty about it, the fewer women will be out there 'gittin' it'. It sort of helped even it up some. But it didn't work.
Kaino, if I were a lesbian ............ let's just say, if I subscribed to the double standard, I'd be feeling so guilty and dirty every night!!! There. I said it! It's of my chest now.
SBoom - you do what you WANT to. No judgement from me. At the very worst, I'd be high-fiving you!
Men will sleep with anything that walks. Women will only sleep with men they find attractive. I get that. But has anyone ever thought that MAYBE this is a sociological evolution? Not necessarily our actual nature? I honestly believe that the reason for this is because women have in ever civilization we know of been the scapegoats for sexual immorality. Adulterous women were always punished, not the men. Even in the last millenia the Christian church stoned women who were raped! Even today, prostitutes are "disgusting" but the men who pay them are not. Why? None of this is natural. I honestly believe that before the advent of, particularly monotheistic, religion women and men were probably equally pig like. Since the advent of religious "morals" women have been made the scapegoats.
No, no.. because acting that way gets us labeled, we reserve ourselves... making it just that much harder for guys to get laid.
Your brothers probably think they can protect you with the double standard card.
It's 2009 for crying out loud!
People ............
Oh, ok, being a man myself, I think I might know. Most likely it's because men want multiple partners (in gerneral), they just don't want their women to have multiple partners. Again, not logical or fair, just greedy male mentality. Now I'm labeling men ... good grief!
If we continue sexually reserving ourselves, we perpetuate the idea that men have in their heads that women don't need sex as bad as they do and that we have and should have higher standards.
If we begin sleeping with who we want, when we want, we perpetuate the sexual objectification of our gender.
Bahhhhhhh... I really need to stop talking about this!! But it's been driving me nuts for years!
It may be an age thing... considering that men in my age bracket have been legal adults for at least 30 years, I think I would be leary of someone who actually kept a tally count.
You can pretty much sum up a person's character fairly quickly, weed out those who view sex as a recreational sport to be played with as many partners as possible without asking for a tally count.
SBoom is right... it only take ONE to give you herpes or HIV or whatever.